Important Life Lessons & Klaus is Better than the Moon: The Vampire Diaries 3:9 Recap

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries:

Stefan craves blood! But mostly he craves loves Elena! So Evil English Viking Klaus turned off Stefan's humanity so now he doesn't love anyone! Oh, and also, Klaus once killed his mother & lied to his sister so his father Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire wants to kill him, so he (Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire) is banding up with Damon, who craves loves Elena too but who mostly just wants to save Stefan from being a No-Humanity Off the Rails Ripper with the power of bromance! Got that? No, me neither.

Currently, on The Vampire Diaries, Stefan, Damon, Elena & Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire have constructed a Super Duper Foolproof Plan. The plan is this: Stefan phones Klaus to tell him his father's dead, Klaus comes back to Mystic Falls, Stefan kills Klaus. Easy, right? But what happens when he asks to see the body? Um, well...

As it turns out, Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire is totes game for a bit of death. He understands how this show works; he knows that if Elena stabs him with the special Original Vampire Killing Dagger chances are he'll come back from the (un)dead, because *drum roll*

Life Lesson #1 (aka the most important Life Lesson of all): Nobody ever actually dies in this show.

Also, he has in his possession a stake made from the wood of the plot point white oak tree & wants to kill Klaus with it himself.

So, Elena kills Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire, Stefan calls Klaus & then Elena removes the dagger & Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire comes back to life, begging the question of why he had to die in the first place if it wasn't so that Klaus could see his dead body. But anyway.

Rebekah & Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire-who-just-got-staked-for-no-reason have a little father-daughter bonding time because Rebekah's still a little unhappy that her father destroyed her family by making them all vampires. But I'm sure she's just overreacting.

Meanwhile, in the more important parts of Mystic Falls, it's almost Homecoming! And Elena has nothing to wear! And Bonnie doesn't have a date! This is even more tragic than all the vampire stuff!

Stefan has nothing to wear either. He barges in demanding to borrow clothes from his brother because he may be 162 years old but goddamnit it's HOMECOMING & he needs a tie. Sheesh. Then Elena gets mad because he says she'll prolly get murdered by the homecoming queen which means he thinks she won't be homecoming queen. Poor Elena.

Meanwhile, at the school, Caroline & Tyler the werejerkpire are getting ready for the dance because Caroline never saw a committee she didn't want to lead. She asks Tyler to pass her the glue gun.

Life Lesson #2: Werepires are closet crafters.

Tyler tells Caroline that Rebekah is going to the dance with Matt. This makes Caroline very angry because Matt is a Lovely Innocent Person and Rebekah is a Blood Slut. Mind your manners, Caroline! (I feel like I'm turning into Effie Trinket.)

(My MS Paint skills just get better & better.)

Tyler tells Caroline that Matt is not in fact a Lovely Innocent Person but A Guy which means it's totes okay to objectify Rebekah cause Matt's only going to the dance with her because she's hot. When this makes Caroline even angrier, Tyler points out that he's painting a bus with glitter for the homecoming dance so he's clearly a women's rights champion.

Life Lesson #3: It's completely fine to be a massive sexist dick, so long as you have glitter & a glue gun to prove you're totally "sired" to your girlfriend. That sound you hear is my teeth grinding.

Meanwhile, at the Salvatore mansion, Rebekah is feeling all the feelings. She's super excited because it's her first high school dance & she wants to look perfect.

Life Lesson #4: Homecoming is just as important to 1,000-year-olds as it is to 17-year-olds.

But she's also sad about Stefan killing Klaus, because he's her brother. That's a little more understandable than the Homecoming thing. Although he did lock her in a coffin for sixty years...

Anyway, her nervous excitement wins out over her sadness at her brother's impending death (although she does kindly advise Elena not to trust any member of her Original Vampire family). So Elena gives her the Magical Witchy Necklace that belonged to Rebekah's mom, & then she stabs her with the magic dagger.

Elena goes & tells Damon that she's the Weak Link in the Super Duper Foolproof Plan because she cares too much & she's sorry for what she did. Damon tells her that the whole stabbing-Rebekah-in-the-back thing was very Katherine of her, which doesn't help, but then he reminds her that Rebekah isn't actually dead, which does. Someone remind me what the point of an Original Vampire Killing Dagger is when said dagger doesn't ever actually kill?

Meanwhile, at the high school, the Worst Thing Ever has happened: Homecoming's been cancelled! The gym is flooded! Caroline is devastated! But Tyler the Sensitive Werejerkpire steps in to save the day! He says they can have the dance at his house!

Back at the Salvatore mansion, Matt shows up to take Rebekah to the dance, not knowing that she's currently all grey & veiny on the floor of her bedroom. Elena offers herself as backup date.

Music-festival atmosphere, designer clothes, lantern-lit garden, yep, this looks like an impromptu homecoming dance transferred hastily to a student's back garden all right... Caroline is super annoyed that Tyler has thrown a better Homecoming than she'd originally planned in less than an hour but what she doesn't know, & what Tyler tells Stefan, is that he's not the one organising this party, it's Klaus. And by the way, it's not a party. It's a wake. DUN DUN DUNNNN.

Life Lesson #5: Rock band members are hairy.

So now that Klaus has a hairy band & a whole heap of teenagers at his father's funeral he'd kinda like to see the body whose death he's celebrating. But instead of asking to be brought to the body, he commands Stefan to bring his father outside! Oh cunning Klaus, always one step ahead. When Stefan asks what's in it for him, Klaus promises that when he is sure his father is dead, he will lift the compulsion & Stefan can have his freedom back.

Back at the Salvatore mansion, Damon & Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire are having a very civilised heart-to-heart between enemies where Damon doesn't offer Michael a whiskey because he drinks from vampires but Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire explains that he's kind of like the Robin Hood of vampires - he only feeds from the predator. But unlike Robin Hood he doesn't give the bad guys' blood to the needy, cause that'd be gross. Not that drinking blood in general isn't gross. And not that Robin Hood stole blood. I'll shut up now.

Stefan interrupts to say that Klaus wants Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire's body at Tyler's & won't be coming to the house. He also wants to know what Damon's plan is but Damon says his plan doesn't involve Stefan & then Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire bites Stefan & he collapses! Layers upon layers! Who is deceiving who? The suspense is killing me!

This is not the first time I've thought that Stefan's facial expressions suggest liking pain a little too much...

Back at the party, Klaus tells Tyler he's invited all his charming werepire friends to protect him should anyone, oh I dunno, show up unexpectedly & try to kill him. Tyler goes to Caroline first with this information, which is foolish because no one ever tells the blonde vampire anything. And even if she did know something, she wouldn't tell Tyler because he's a jerkface who is sired to Klaus. So Tyler totally proves that he can be trusted by syringing Caroline in the neck.

Is someone going to get stabbed at the end of every scene this episode? There won't be any characters left at the party.

Back outside, the Hairy Rock Band are wearing vampire capes & Klaus has found Elena. He explains that people have been after him for a thousand years, so he's kinda paranoid at this point & whatever complicated stabby plan they've concocted won't work because he's like a million steps ahead so there. Well, you know what they say, Klaus, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

Upstairs, Tyler gets Matt to take Caroline's unconscious body out of the house before Things Get Dangerous. Using irrefutable abusive dude logic he explains to Matt that he's only hurting her to keep her safe. Matt may buy that, but I sure don't.

Downstairs, Damon kills the doorman who will only let hybrids into the house, then starts a vampire/werepire fight with Tyler for having the werepires there in the first place. But before any more stabbing can happen, they both break apart with severe headaches!

Bonnie: she has the Power of Migraine. 

Which was all part of this rather convoluted plan, we discover as Tyler collapses.

Meanwhile, Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire is ready to have a nice little chat with his son. He shows up politely at the front door but for some reason he can't get inside even though Klaus jokingly invites him in? So Michael sort of just stands on the porch insulting his son for a good ten minutes.

Finally, Klaus gets tired of being called a coward & gets his small army of werepires to surround his father to kill him. But Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire is such a badass he compels the vampire parts of the werepires so they'll follow his orders instead of Klaus's, & then he produces Elena from somewhere or other & threatens to kill her! Which'll kill all the werepires because Elena's the Doppleganger & her blood is the key to making werepires!

But Michael isn't done insulting Klaus yet. With his newly-compelled army of werepires around him & Elena caught in a headlock, he tells his son that no one cares about him or about whether he lives or dies, which makes Klaus Very Sad.

And then Klaus calls his dad's bluff, so Michael stabs Elena who turns out to have been Katherine all along! Damon stabs Klaus, Stefan tries to stop him, Damon misses, Klaus grabs the stake & stabs Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire & I swear if I had a cent for every time someone got stabbed this episode I'd be able to buy a really big bag of penny sweets.

And then Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire dies rather dramatically which would suggest that, despite this show's track record, he isn't coming back.

Klaus stares meaningfully into Stefan's eyes & grants him his freedom.

A little later, in Caroline's house, Caroline wakes up to find Tyler watching over her because he's so loving & sensitive & totally not jerkish at all. He explains that he poisoned her for her own good. I'm glad that Caroline gives out to him for not having, you know, maybe like asked her to leave because things were gonna get dangerous rather than stabbing her in the neck, but I'm less impressed that she then totally buys Tyler's excuse that she would never have left her friends to fight Klaus alone. I think Tyler has forgotten that Caroline is a freakin vampire who is just as strong as the others who stayed & who could TOTALLY KICK HIS ASS. AND SHE SHOULD.

Then Caroline says she's not sure she can be with Tyler because his every move is being controlled by an evil English Viking werepire & Tyler whinges a bit about how when he was just a werewolf the moon controlled him & now that he's a werepire Klaus controls him so actually it's okay because Klaus is better than the moon, or something, I don't know, I kinda zoned out because whenever Tyler comes on screen I just want to slap his stupid werepire face. Anyway, he doesn't want Caroline to turn her back on him after everything they've been through but Caroline doesn't answer (adda girl, Caroline) so he storms out.

Back at the Salvatore mansion, Damon is furious that the plan didn't work even though they thought they'd anticipated all of Klaus' moves. Elena tells him that they'll be okay because they can get through it & Damon says they're never gonna get Stefan back & Elena tells him that in that case they'll just have to let him go. It's a very romantic almost-kiss moment that is, as always, interrupted by a ringing phone.

Katherine is calling to say goodbye to Damon, who is thankful for her flying visit, but who doesn't know that she is on the road with Stefan! Turns out that the whole plan with Stefan stopping anyone from killing Klaus was all Katherine's idea! Because she really does love the Salvatore brothers! Also, she knows Klaus's secret!

When she was posing as Elena at the party Klaus told her that even when their sire is dead, hybrids have to follow their orders, & Klaus has ordered his whole army of werepires to kill Damon if he himself should die! So they can't kill Klaus without Damon dying!

So while everyone else was busy putting the Let's-Kill-Klaus plan into action, Katherine went to Stefan &, using the timeless power of bromance, convinced Stefan to dredge up enough humanity to save Damon's life. USE THE FORCE BROMANCE, LUKE! 

Plus, Katherine has Another Plan for which she needs Stefan's help. And that plan involves Stefan stealing all of Klaus's coffin-emprisoned family that he carts around everywhere with him in the back of a truck. Predictably, Klaus isn't too pleased...