Important Life Lessons & Counting Sighs: The Vampire Diaries 3:2 Recap

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: all this stuff happened, & dramatic music played.

Once upon a time in Mystic Falls...

Damon puts pins in a map taped up on his wall as the news plays in the background, reminding us that his fake compelled girlfriend has been murdered. Although the news thinks it's either an accident or a suicide.

Life Lesson #1: Small vampire-infested towns are always oblivious to said vampire infestation. I mean, a couple students died in Sunnydale every day, & people's throats are getting ripped out all over Mystic Falls but no one seems to notice.

Elena has noticed, amazingly, & has put two & two together, & visits Damon because he's been dodging her calls. She wishes he'd told her about his dead fake compelled girlfriend but he says he didn't want to say anything because it was Elena's birthday. Which was so very happy anyway. Thank you, Damon!

Elena tells Damon that Stefan called her last night & that she got the sheriff to trace the call to Tennessee but Damon insists that Stefan is gone now "& not just geographically." He's doing that weird eye thing, so you know he means it.

Later that morning, somewhere that is not Elena's couch, Alaric is sleeping strategically shirtless. (You know, the kind of shirtless that doesn't have the covers pulled up, the kind that looks like he went to bed in his clothes but not his shirt). Also the button of his trousers isn't done up. Fangirls swoon.

(I have no idea what happened to Alaric's head in this screencap, but I'm just going to leave it as it is if that's okay.)

Elena is making the rounds this morning. She wants to know what Alaric knows about Stefan & Tennessee, because she Has Faith, not like Damon, & believes that Tortured Soul Stefan still exists inside Bad Boy Stefan's vertical-hair-topped body. Alaric plays the mentor card & tells Elena to stay out of it because it's not safe for her. He says Stefan's Off the Rails which just makes me think of a vampire-themed makeover show.

(That's a very Irish reference, sorry.)

Elena knows that Stefan would never give up on her, so she's never going to give up on him & I think we should start counting how many times Alaric sighs heavily every episode. So far, he's sighed twice.

Alaric sighs heavily (Sigh Count: 3) & finally tells Elena what she wants to know.

We then rejoin Stefan & Klaus in the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee where Klaus is teasing Stefan about his brooding (thank you, Klaus!) & the whole scene looks like something out of Brokeback Mountain except that Stefan is carrying a dead werewolf across his shoulders.

The evil duo bicker good-naturedly for another few minutes before coming across the werewolf pack they've been looking for. A werewolf pack looks kind of like a very civilised music festival.

They drop the dead werewolf's body in the middle of the camp ground & About To Be An Important Character werewolf girl (you can tell she's about to become an important character because she's pretty & she looks like a cross between Elena & Anna, who was Jeremy's dead vampire girlfriend last season) crouches over his body & asks the evil duo to explain themselves.

Dramatic music plays. Klaus says: "My name is Klaus" & the music gets even more dramatic. I wish that happened whenever I introduced myself. About To Be An Important Character werewolf girl gasps because Klaus is The Hybrid (you know, like the title of the episode?) & the werewolves have heard of The Hybrid. Dun dun dunnnnnn...

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler's mom is pouring herself a brandy & picking up one of the darts she used to shoot Caroline. (Shouldn't she already have gotten rid of the evidence?) She pours the contents of the dart into the coffee pot as Tyler bounds downstairs in happy morning-after-sex oblivion. She watches carefully as Tyler pours himself some coffee & tells him that Caroline sneaked out "like a prostitute" that morning. Tyler is a little surprised but not too put out by the fact that his vampire girlfriend allegedly sneaked out. Mostly he doesn't seem to mind that his mom knows he had a girl over, & minds even less that she's comparing said girl to a prostitute.

Is this the kind of look you'd give your mother in this situation?

Anyway. Tyler takes a large gulp of coffee, makes a face, & tells his mom the grain must be bad. His mom heaves an audible sigh of relief. Then Tyler leaves, informing his mother that Caroline is not a prostitute. Which is sort of like standing up for her.

When he's gone, Tyler's mom phones someone called Bill, & tells him she's gotten herself into a bit of a vampire situation.

We now go to Mystic Grill, the only eatery in town, where Matt ups the topless male count this episode to two. Only two? I suppose we're only seven minutes in.

Life Lesson #2: American boys are all thin, white & ridiculously muscled. It must be true if it's in The Vampire Diaries.

Jeremy wants to talk to Matt about the conversation they had last night, but Matt says the whole night was kind of a blur. Remember, they were going wild & smoked a joint! Then they had a heart-to-heart while giggling & eating ice-cream, because, remember, wild! He wants to talk to Matt about it & not his Good Witch Girlfriend Bonnie because he's worried what she mightn't like to know that since she brought him back from the dead he's been seeing the ghosts of his dead vampire ex-girlfriends. Which is kind of understandable.

Jeremy has Googled ghosts & shows Matt a pristine manilla folder of printed out information, because teenage boys totally do that in real life. He wants to make contact with Vicky's ghost.

Matt is reluctant at first, & thinks that Jeremy is messing with him, but they call each other "man" a few times & Matt comes around.

Meanwhile, detective Elena is continuing her rounds. Now, she's quizzing Tyler about werewolf behaviour. Tyler explains that when it's his time of the month, he chains himself up in his basement (kinky!) but says that not all werewolves are into bondage, & they prefer to roam wild & free in deserts or state parks or mountains like the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee, for example, which he shows Elena on Google Maps on her iPhone.

Life Lesson #3: Werewolves these days are so tech-savvy.

At the other end of the bar, Alaric is drinking coffee. (Hold on a second, you mean they're not at Mystic Grill? You mean there's another place to hang out in Mystic Falls? It's a veritable metropolis now!) Elena comes over to him & proposes they go on a hike. Alaric can't believe that she wants to go chasing after a pack of werewolves on the full moon. Elena insists that they'll be well out of the Smoky Mountains by the time the moon is full, which of course they totally will...

Life Lesson #4: When you're chasing werewolves, there'll always be a full moon. And no, you won't get out of the mountains before it rises.

Alaric sighs (Sigh Count: 4). This time, I don't blame him.

Back in the Brokeback Smoky Mountains, Dead Flannel Werewolf has dramatically come back to life! Stefan faces the festival-goers werewolf pack & asks if any of them are human.

Life Lesson #5 Never admit to being human.

Klaus tells About To Be An Important Character werewolf girl that her options are a) join him, or b) die, & she says she'd rather b) than be a vampire.

Life Lesson #6: Never say you'd rather die than do something. It'll always end badly.

In this case, it ends with Klaus forcing her to drink his blood & then killing her & telling the other werewolves that she'll thank him for that later. Cause that's just the kind of swell fella Klaus is.

Back in our favourite eatery, Tyler is playing pool & Matt is serving him coffee. Tyler is a little concerned because he hasn't heard from Caroline all day, but Matt doesn't want to talk to him because Caroline's his ex & he doesn't like that she & Tyler are friends. Good thing he doesn't know about the horny vampire-werewolf sexual relations. Still, Matt is a Nice Guy & remembers that tonight is the full moon -

Life Lesson #7: Everyone in America automatically knows when it's the full moon.

- & that Caroline usually helps Tyler with his furry little problem on a full moon. Matt awkwardly offers to help Tyler himself but Tyler's a big werewolf now & says he can handle it. He also says the coffee tastes horrible & Matt explains that the sheriff makes him slip vervain into all the drinks every now & again. Tyler is shocked to discover that this is what vervain tastes like. He's realised that his mother put vervain in his coffee this morning!

We cut straight back to Tyler's house where his mom is entertaining the mysterious Bill. She pours herself another brandy & explains that she doesn't want to get her hands dirty but Bill reminds her that Caroline is a vampire now & Tyler's mom has gotta do what she's gotta do.

Back in the Big Rocky Candy Smoky Mountains we discover that Alaric & Elena made it to Tennessee in record time, because America is a tiny place. We also discover that Alaric is a boy scout turned vampire hunter turned whiskey-drinking Lost Cause. (Sigh Count: 4) If he weren't so emo, Alaric'd be pretty awesome. I mean, check out his Slayers Backpack:

Alaric gives Elena a wolfsbane grenade & Elena gives Alaric her dead biological father's ring (Sigh Count: 5) that used to belong to Alaric too somehow, & that will protect him from anything supernatural. I'm sorry, but magical Supernatural Protection Rings are just a cop-out. Also, they're ugly.

We also learn that Supernatural Protection Rings don't work on Elena because she's a doppelgänger (long story, one that'll probably come up again at a later date but I don't think we need to worry about it for this episode) which is also a cop-out.

Then, suddenly, Damon appears & throws Elena into the lake. Like a boss.

Good thing she was already changed into her bathing suit. (Why was she wearing a bathing suit to chase down some werewolves? We may never know.) Elena is Very Angry that Alaric sold her out to Damon but Alaric thinks she was crazy to believe he'd take her into a mountain range to chase werewolves on a full moon without backup. Also, he & Damon are now bros.

Meanwhile, Klaus & Too-Cool-For-School Stefan have infected & killed all the werewolves so that they can come back to life as hybrids. The hapless human they identified earlier is still alive - just about - but won't be when all the werewolf-vampire hybrids (Vampolfs? Werepires?) wake up craving blood. Every time one of them drains him Klaus uses his magical blood to bring the human back to life to be drained by the next werepire. Which is actually pretty creepy, well done again Vampire Diaries.

Klaus & Stefan chat about Klaus's Master Plan to create an army of werepire soldiers while Flannel Werepire completes his transformation. But look, something's wrong! Flannel Werepire is bleeding from his eyes! This wasn't part of the plan!

Life Lesson #8: That's never part of the plan.

Back at the other side of the forest, Elena is refusing to get out of the water because she knows when she does Damon will make her go home. Because Damon loves treating women like they're children. Instead, Damon wades into the water with her & tells her that she's being stupid because Klaus thinks she died when the curse was broken last season so just walking up to him in the middle of the mountains might be a tad unwise. Elena doesn't care - she hasn't been this close to Stefan since he left & she's not leaving without him. Damon is swayed by Elena's wet hair & bathing-suited proximity & agrees to find to Stefan before the full moon comes up. Because that's totally how it's going to happen.

At the werewolf camp, Flannel Werepire is still crying blood & the other hybrids are beginning to wake up. Suddenly, Flannel Werepire jumps up & runs away through the trees! He parcours over rocks! He bounds between trees! He turns somersaults! He's a veritable circus act! Stefan runs after him & tackles him to the ground, but Flannel Werepire bites his arm! Remember, werewolf bites are fatal to vampires! Exclamation marks!

Stefan's about to run after him when his Super-Sensitive Vampire Ears pick up the sweet sweet sound of Damon & Elena bickering. He sees them across the hill through the trees & looks particularly tortured for a while until Klaus comes up behind him & he rapidly switches back to regularly tortured.

Stefan quickly leads Klaus away from the hillside & tells him Flannel Werepire got away. But Klaus says he won't heal Stefan's werewolf bite with his Magic Hybrid Blood until Stefan finds the werepire & brings him back. In the camp, all the new werepires are now crying blood. See Life Lesson #8.

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler confronts his mom about the vervain-laced coffee. She admits she knows that Carloline's a vampire but won't tell Tyler where she is. She tells him he can't be with Caroline because she's a monster but she doesn't know that Tyler is a monster too!

Meanwhile in the Forbidden Smoky Mountains, the sun is about to set & our vampire-hunting trio are still in the forest, because of course. A figure emerges from between the trees, & it's Flannel Werepire, because of course. He attacks Damon, because of course. Elena throws Damon the wolfsbane grenade & Damon wolfsbanes Flannel Werepire's face off. Poor Flannel Werepire, he didn't ask for any of this.

Back in Mystic Falls, Matt is showing Jeremy Vicky's old stuff in his attic. They're looking for personal items to communicate with Vicky's ghost. Matt finds a picture of him & Vicky as kids & gets upset & bails on Jeremy's ghosthunt & asks him to leave. Jeremy shuts the door behind him & the attic gets real dark. You can tell the ghosts are coming because of the eerie music, & the fact that the photo Matt put face-down on a chest is now standing up again. That's generally a dead giveaway. (Gettit, dead giveaway? I'll go stand over here now.)

In the mountains, the trio have tied poor Flannel Werepire to a tree. They've used all their vervain on the ropes, which is definitely not going to come back to haunt them. Suddenly, Flannel Werepire begins to change! But it's still daylight! The ropes will never hold the wolf! Elena finally sees sense & says that they need to get out of these mountains - now!

Back at Base Camp Werepire, the new hybrids are all looking a lot like zombies. Nearby, the vampire hunting trio are finally running away, but Elena trips & falls.

Life Lesson #9: When running away, girls always trip & fall.

Damon yells at her not to move; she looks up & there's a CGI wolf right in front of her face! Don't you just hate it when that happens?

Damon calls the doggie's attention & runs away as fast as his super-fast vampire legs can carry him, to lure the wolf away from Elena. Unfortunately, now that means that Elena & Alaric are down a vampire. Elena wants to go back & help Damon but Alaric yells at her & they wisely continue their running away. Chekov's Moon rises.

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler is bringing his mom down into his kinky werewolf bondage dungeon. As you do. He locks her in a cage (for her own protection, of course) & he ties himself up just in time to start changing & show his mom what kind of monster he really is.

In the Misty Smoky Mountains, Damon is fighting with Flannel Werepire & trying very hard not to get bitten. Just as the werepire is about to sink his teeth into Damon's neck, Stefan appears! He clobbers the werepire on the back of the head with a rock - how would that even work? - oh, no, that's not a rock, & he didn't clobber him & that wasn't the back of his head. He totally just ripped his heart out with his bare hands. Nice.

Okay, I have to admit this is pretty cool.

Damon calmly says "fancy meeting you here" by way of thanks & Stefan gives out to him for continuing to follow him. Damon tells him that if he doesn't want to be followed she should stop crank-calling his girlfriend in the middle of the night. Fair enough, Damon. Stefan says that Elena needs to forget about him because he's never coming home (yeah, right) & charges Damon with keeping Elena there. Because there's nothing like conspiring with your brother to watch over the woman you love's every move.

Said woman is currently waiting in a car with Alaric, voicing her frustration at having to wait in a car. Also, is a parked car really the safest place to wait? Can't hybrid werepires break through steel? Ignoring this, Elena & Alaric have a heart to heart about Being Lost & not having a family & needing to stick together. Yawn. (Sigh Count: I'm not gonna lie, I lost count after 5.) Finally Damon reappears & manhandles Elena back into the car when she comes out to make sure he's okay. Stefan watches from the top of the hill with a vaguely tortured expression. Stefan's expressions range from vaguely tortured to especially tortured but don't seem to stray from the tortured spectrum.

Elena thinks she sees something up on the hilltop but by the time the camera pans back, Stefan is gone. Elena is Very Sad. It's like tortured, but for humans. Tortured Lite.

Back in Mystic Falls, Matt calls to Jeremy's house to apologise for having bailed on the ghost hunt. He brings over some beers & a bag full of Vicky's personal stuff. They talk about not remembering their last moments with Vicky & suddenly Vicky's right there behind them. Matt can neither see nor hear her & asks Jeremy to translate her ghost-speak but Jeremy doesn't know quite how to tell him his sister believes they can help her return from the dead. Again.

Life Lesson #10: Nobody. Ever. Stays. Dead.

Suddenly, a window smashes! And Anna appears! And she tells Jeremy not to trust Vicky! Whatever will happen next?

Next, we cut back to the forest, where Stefan returns to Klaus with a twice-dead Flannel Werepire over his shoulders. His werewolf bite stings something fierce. Klaus is upset because his werepire army is all dead. I guess that werewolf girl wasn't About To Be An Important Character after all. I guess there are no male characters left for her to be the love interest of. Klaus smashes some beer bottles & yells at the sky, because that's what werepires do when they're upset. He runs through all the things he was told to do to be able to turn werewolves into werepires & realises that the only thing that could've gone wrong is if he hadn't properly killed the doppelgänger. (Silly Klaus, don't you know by now that nobody actually dies in this show?) Uh oh, now Klaus knows that Elena is still alive! Will he refuse to heal Stefan's werewolf bite? For a moment it looks like will... but then he tears a chunk out of his hand & bleeds into a bottle of Bud & hands it to Stefan. Stay classy, Klaus.

And now it's time for another Deep & Meaningful emo pop song closing scene!

In this week's scene the song is about there not being anyone around & not hearing a sound & Stefan downs the beer bottle of blood & follows Klaus through the corpse-strewn camp ground. Cut to Elena's house where Damon is brooding by the curtains & the song is about not knowing where the world is & missing you now. He tells Elena that she was right & Tortured Stefan hasn't been lost to his vertical-haired alter-ego. He says Stefan can be saved because he didn't let Damon die & the song is about being on the edge & screaming your name. Damon confronts Elena about having uncharacteristically let him lead her away from the forest that night despite not having found Stefan & she confesses that she did it because she didn't want to see him get hurt. She asks why he needs her to say that she worries about him & Damon takes her face in his hands & tells her that when he brings his brother back he wants her to remember everything she felt while he was gone. They stare into each other's eyes & the song is about shadows & just wanting to feel alive. Alaric comes up the stairs with a suitcase to move into an actual bedroom this time & witnesses the sexual tension. He asks Elena if she knows what she's doing & she says that no, she doesn't, & the song is all about echoes.

Cut to Tyler's werewolf bondage room where he wakes up naked & his mom is watching him from the floor of the cage (which isn't creepy at all) & she tells him she'll take care of it & will make sure nothing happens to Caroline & the song goes all instrumental because this is a Very Touching Moment.

Then we fade out to this week's post-emo-pop-song-dramatic-montage cliffhanger scene. Tyler's mom has called Bill to entreat him to let Caroline go & to suggest that maybe they've been wrong about vampires simply being monsters, but he's having none of it because his family have been hunting vampires for 150 years. He hangs up on her & she puts her head in her hands.

Cut to a cell somewhere where Caroline is waking up chained to a chair. She calls out for Tyler's mom but there's nobody there. Suddenly, she hears a sound. Someone's coming! She gets scared. A Dark Figure approaches. The cell door opens & Bill steps inside. The dramatic music builds & builds & builds until Caroline looks up & says: "Daddy?"

Dun dun dunnnnn...