Previously on The Vampire Diaries, I was crap & didn't do a recap for TWO WHOLE WEEKS which means that I haven't watched The Vampire Diaries in THREE WHOLE WEEKS (maths is not my strong point) which means I am having SERIOUS WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS (not really) & this must be REMEDIED IMMEDIATELY in BLOCK CAPITALS!
What has been happening in Mystic Falls in the last two weeks? I don't know! Because I haven't watched The Vampire Diaries in the last FOUR AND A HALF WEEKS! All manner of dramatic music, flashbacks, and tragic montages could have happened without my knowledge! HOW COULD I LET THIS HAPPEN? It will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! (This is a blatant lie.)
So let's pull up a chair & a nice cup of tea, leave our block capitals at the door (this is also a blatant lie) & get stuck in to THREE WHOLE EPISODES of The Vampire Diaries!!!
(If anything merits multiple exclamation marks, that does. Originally I was going to do this as one long post but I think instead I'll just post all three episodes over the one week. Which is sort of like the same thing, if you don't look too closely.)
Previously, on The Vampire Diaries: Elena & Katherine are dopplegangers! Elena is the Good Doppleganger (straight hair) & Katherine is the Evil Doppleganger (wavy hair). Katherine is also a vampire! So are Stefan & Damon! They are also brothers! They are also both in love with Elena like they were once in love with Katherine a hundred years ago which isn't weird at all! In the last two seasons, Damon was the Bad Boy Brother & Stefan was the Good Boy Brother but then this season the Good Brother became the Evil Brother & our whole world got turned upside down!
Elena has some friends! Caroline is a Bossy Blond Vampire! She has School Spirit, a sheriff mother & an evil father who hates vampires! She is dating Tyler, who used to be a jock but then became a werewolf but then got turned into a werepire by Evil English Klaus! Bonnie is a Good Witch! She is dating Elena's brother Jeremy! Jeremy can see ghosts! Specifically, the ghosts of his staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriends! One of those staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriends is Vicky, who was Matt's drugged-up party-girl sister before she became a vampire & then got staked & then came back as a ghost! Matt is also Elena's friend, & her ex-boyfriend, & Caroline's ex-boyfriend, because teenagers' friendsgroups are always incestuous! He's having a Very Hard Time being the only human in a bunch of supernatural high schoolers! He even tried to kill himself so he could communicate with his staked-vampire-turned-ghost sister! And it worked! Because Bonnie brought him back to life because nobody ever stays dead in this show!
Evil English Klaus also has a sister! Her name is Rebecca & she used to be in love with Stefan! She & Klaus are Original Vampires, & the only thing that can kill them is Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire! Katherine & Jeremy just woke him up at the end of the last episode! Also there is a Magical Witchy Necklace but that doesn't come up on this previously on! Now on to the episode! Are you excited yet?
Currently on The Vampire Diaries, Alaric is giving Elena Buffy lessons early in the morning so she can stake Stefan when the time comes! He gives a very rousing peptalk & tells Elena that she is the Strongest Person He Knows. Elena gives us her best Strong Person look.
This episode's emo rock song is Super Upbeat because it's Senior Year! But then the music gets all serious because it's Stefan & Elena's anniversary. Elena is Very Sad but Bonnie & Caroline convince her to make this the Best Year Ever! That definitely won't come back to haunt them!
The music gets even more rocky at the Salvatore house because Stefan's being a Bad Boy. He's got half-naked girls playing bloody Twister on his floor, which is mid-way between silly & creepy. But who's this barging in unannounced? It's Rebecca! Klaus has abandoned her in Mystic Falls & she demands to move in with the brothers! This can only end well!
Back at school, Bonnie is uncomfortable with Jeremy because he's still in contact with his staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriends. Don't worry, Bonnie, I'd be jealous too. Matt is being Very Sad in his car but then Vicky shows up! They reminisce about last year for a bit & Vicky picks up on his oh-so-subtle Very Sadness. She tells him there's a way she could come back from the dead! For good this time! Because of course there is! But then Tyler interrupts & we don't know what she means! (Tyler is Super Perky because he's a brand new werepire now.)
Back at the crypt, Katherine is trying to wake up Michael the Vampire Hunting Vampire. (Hey wait, didn't he totally wake up last episode?) Her iPhone rings & I jump & check my phone.
Life Lesson #1: Vampires all have iPhones. It's about time I got used to this.
Damon is our mystery caller of the day. He wants Katherine to hurry up & wake the Vampire Hunter. He then calls Elena & tells her Rebecca's staying with them but doesn't mention that Stefan's being Particularly Evil with the Twister girls, & when Elena asks how her homicidal vampire ex-boyfriend is Damon oh-so-subtly changes the subject.
Back at school, Caroline wants to go to a bonfire! That's never a good idea when you're in a show with vampires & werewolves! Speaking of which, here comes Tyler! He's still Super Perky but what's this? He has blood on his shirt! He insists he just spilled his blood baggie that Rebecca gave him but we're not so sure. Caroline's jealous of Rebecca & doesn't like that Tyler thinks being a werepire is awesome.
Elena leaves them to their lovers' tiff & - speaking of which - bumps into Stefan! Stefan's going back to school!
Life Lesson #2: No matter how evil they are, vampires always go back to high school.
And Stefan's looking particularly evil today. I mean, look at that Bad Boy face:
Stefan is clearly too cool to be too cool for school.
Even though he still keeps doing it, Stefan's not happy to be a high school senior for the 100th time. Alaric sees him getting too close to Elena & tells him to let her go so Stefan gets all Evil High schooler at Alaric & threatens him by the lockers! And then he kicks a kid out of his seat in the classroom! He is so bad ass! Alaric starts to teach the only class he ever seems to teach, Founding Fathers History, but he hasn't checked all his facts, as a Mysterious New Girl points out. Mysterious New Girl is none other than Rebecca!
Life Lesson: Seriously, all vampires go back to high school. Even centuries-old Original Vampires who fell asleep in the 20s & woke up this century about two weeks ago.
Uh-oh, Caroline is Super Jealous to see Rebecca!
At lunchtime, Matt goes looking for his incorporeal sister. Ghost Vicky apparently likes to haunt the Stoner Corner on campus. (You can tell it's the Stoner Corner because of the hippy truck parked there & the random skateboarding extras.)
Life Lesson #3: Once a stoner, always a stoner.
Matt wants to know how Vicky can come back & she says has help from the Other Side. Suddenly, Jeremy bursts in on them & interrupts the conversation. Then he goes to find Anna in the men's room -
Life Lesson #4: Toilet genders don't matter when you're a ghost.
- & tells her what he saw. Vicky explains to Matt that there's a witch on the Other Side who can do a spell to give her a Stronger Foothold on This Side. Anna kindly clarifies to us confused viewers that a ghost can only appear on This Side through the person they're bound to - for Anna it's Jeremy, for Vicky it's Matt - but that with this kind of spell, Vicky can come & go as she pleases. Matt's not happy because that means Vicky'll still be a ghost but she quite rightly says that being a ghost hardly matters in a town full of vampires, werewolves & witches. Matt's not quite buying it, & it's a good thing, because Anna says Vicky's gone evil & wants to Upset the Balance of Nature! Oh no, Matt's bought! He asks what he has to do.
The music gets peppy again! Know why? Cause it's high school football time!
Life Lesson #5: Vampires play American Football. Don't ask.
Life Lesson #6: Vampires also cheerlead!
Rebecca has joined the cheerleading squad after replacing the girl she's presumably just eaten! And she's doing it to steal Caroline's boyfriend! I love it!
Life Lesson #7: Even thousand-year-old vampires are just teenagers at heart. Petty, vaguely evil, cheerleading teenagers. Isn't that nice to know?
Across the pitch, Tyler's being a Jerky Jock again, only this time he's being a Werepire Jerky Jock, with compulsion! He compels the coach to let them quit training early to go drink at the bonfire! Caroline doesn't like how Tyler's been acting! You tell him, Caroline! But just then, Rebecca the Ancient Original Vampire Cheerleader does a double somersault & lands in the splits! Pfft, I can totally do that. Tyler grins jerkishly & says Rebecca's got moves. Caroline makes a Very Very Angry face.
Meanwhile, on the running track, Stefan joins Elena's laps & asks her if she's going to the bonfire & who she'll be bringing to homecoming now that they're mortal enemies instead of boyfriend & girlfriend. He says he's just hanging around, enduring the torture that is high school to protect Klaus's Human Bloodbag, Ouch. That's got to hurt.
Meanwhile, in the crypt, Katherine's feeding Michael the Vampire Hunting Vampire from a random human but Michael the Vampire Hunting Vampire is TOO GOOD FOR HUMAN BLOOD.
In a random workout room, Elena is working out. She calls Damon so he can see her very prettily breaking a nice light sweat (if I lifted those weights I'd be purple-faced and/or fainting, which really wouldn't look very sexy at all) & tells him she wants to lock Stefan up. Damon replies by helping her with her Buffy lessons, but unlike Alaric's classes, this is a Sexy Buffy Lesson!
He's showing her the way to get to a vampire's heart, like she's gotten to his heart (all together now, awww), & tells her he'll do anything he asks.
Upbeat emo rock music is upbeat! It's bonfire time! We already know this won't end well! In a classroom, Team Buffy is planning a Stefan attack. Caroline's going to prep her daddy's dungeon, Elena'll lure Stefan away from the bonfire & Alaric's in charge of the shooting. Damon's going to distract Rebecca with his Charms. Then Tyler comes in & when Elena asks him to steal a supply of vervain from his mom's stores he refuses because Klaus wouldn't like it! Because Tyler is Loyal to Klaus because he is Klaus's Special Werepire & he Owes Everything to Klaus! Then he goes to leave but Damon vervains him in the back! Turns out Tyler's been Sired, which basically means he's like the Renford to Klaus's Dracula, only without the asylum & the rats. So far.
Meanwhile, in Matt's attic, Matt is casting a spell. Dramatic music plays as he cuts his hand & bleeds on a picture of him & Vicky & the candles flicker & the picture starts smoking & the attic door slams & then Vicky's corporeal again! But then she says she's made a deal with the dead witch to Restore the Balance of Nature once she's back, & that means not letting Klaus's werepires survive, & that means killing Elena! Oh no! She cracks Matt on the back of the head with a wrench & leaves the attic!
Life Lesson #8: Try not to leave wrenches lying around in your spell-casting attics.
Back at school, Bonnie's angry that Jeremy's still talking to Anna, which he's now doing right in front of her. She can't deal with her boyfriend's staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriends as well as Matt's attempted resurrection of his sister, so she decides to prioritise.
At the bonfire, Rebecca is pouting cause Tyler's not there & she's actually a twelve-year-old in an ancient vampire's sultry blond body, & Elena is getting drunk & pretending to have fun. Stefan's mostly leering. Damon comes up to Rebecca & teaches her how to eat toasted marshmallows sexily.
Life lesson #9: Contrary to all sticky-faced evidence to the contrary, it is apparently possible to be sexy whilst eating marshmallows, but probably only if you're a vampire.
Elena is a little bit jealous, which Stefan totally picks up on. And leers about. Elena leaves, &, as planned, Stefan follows.
Matt calls Bonnie frantically & tells her what he's done. Meanwhile, Damon's teaching Rebecca how to make s'mores & she repays him with a stake through the belly. Now that's not very nice, Rebecca!
Tyler wakes up at his place with Caroline watching him. Caroline explains angrily that now that Tyler's Sired, he'll think Klaus's needs come first (& every time anyone says Klaus is Tyler's Master I think of that Buffy episode where Xander is compeled into calling Dracula his master & hates it so much that he adds a "bater" to the end of every "master" he says). Caroline tells him he's acting like the Old, Pre-Werewolf Tyler we all know & dislike. Turns out Tyler dislikes the Old, Pre-Werewolf Tyler too! He tells Caroline he'll be careful & asks her not to hate him because everything he likes about himself is her. All together now, awww.
Back at the bonfire, Elena is out on the bleachers, drunk. Or pretending to be drunk! I've totally caught on! Stefan is now being the Responsible Adult Friend & wants to drive her home but Elena climbs over the side of the bleachers & almost trips & tells Stefan Klaus wouldn't be happy with him right now, which is the vampire equivalent of "I'm telling Mommy on you." (Who'd have thought there'd be a vampire equivalent to that? You've taught me so much, Vampire Diaries!) Then Elena accidentally-on-purpose lets go & falls off! But Stefan super-vampire-speeds over & saves her before she hits the ground! They gaze longingly into each other's eyes! Stefan really does care!
This makes him Very Confused.
And then Alaric shoots him in the back with vervaine! Go Alaric! He & Elena stuff him in the back of their truck but then Vicky, who's been sitting smoking beside a fence, lights a trail of gasoline all the way to the truck that bursts into flames! The doors won't open! Elena is stuck inside! Alaric tries to break the window but it won't smash! The flames fly higher! They throw Alaric back! Elena is doomed!!!
Back in the classroom, Matt goes through what he did to bring Vicky back with Bonnie. She finds a spell in her Big Book o'Spells that'll stop any magic helping Vicky.
Life Lesson #10: A Big Book o'Spells will give you the exact spell you need, except when it's narratively inconvenient to do so.
In the burning car, Stefan is stirring! In the classroom, Bonnie is chanting! All over the scene, dramatic music is playing! Vicky appears in the classroom & Bonnie - while still chanting, because
Life Lesson: Witches can hella multitask.
- explains that the only way for Vicky to go back to the Other Side is if Matt lets her go. The music drops from Super Dramatic to Really, Really Sad. Vicky doesn't want to be alone! Neither does Matt! But he has to let her go! He says goodbye, Vicky disappears, & Bonnie stops chanting. Matt, rather needlessly, says: "She's Gone."
Life Lesson #11: Whenever there is a Poignant Moment, someone will always be there to state the obvious.
Back at the parking lot, Alaric's got the back of the truck open! He & Elena pull Stefan out JUST IN TIME before he truck goes like this:
Life Lesson #12: Explosions. They are epic.
And now it's time for everyone's favourite Deep & Meaningful emo pop-song closing scene! This episode, the song is about saying all you can say & Damon patches Elena up & they talk about how Elena was faking the drunkenness & Damon was faking the marshmallow flirting. Cut to Tyler's house, where post-vampire/werepire sex redressing is happening & Caroline won't stay over because Tyler hasn't earned it yet & the song is about pulling through & taking your time. They kiss & Caroline leaves & Rebecca appears with a compelled girl for Tyler to feed on & the song is about being foolish & waiting for you. Tyler tries to tell Rebecca to leave but she tells him Klaus would want him to feed. Tyler attacks the girl, werepire-teeth bared, & the music stops short which means it's now time for tonight's post-emo-pop-song-dramatic-montage cliffhanger scene!
In the crypt, Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire is still in chains & is telling Katherine that he's abstained from human blood for as long as he can remember. Katherine begins to believe he doesn't know how to kill Klaus after all. Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire tells her that he can, & will, kill Klaus, but that he'll have a hard time doing so in chains. So Katherine frees him! BAD PLAN, PRINCESS! Katherine thinks a little blood'll warm up Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire's muscles real quick, but he tells her he doesn't eat Living Things. Uh oh, I see where this is going! Katherine doesn't though, so she's taken completely unawares when Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire LEAPS UP & BITES HER NECK!
Dun dun - oh wait, there's another scene! Since when is there another scene after the post-emo-pop-song-dramatic-montage cliffhanger scene? Careful now, Vampire Diaries, you know I don't like it when you try mix things up.
Elena & Alaric are at the Salvator brothers' house & for some reason Stefan's out & about & not, you know, trapped in Caroline's daddy's dungeon like he was supposed to be. Best laid plans, & whatnot. Stefan tells them that Elena needs him & they're all better off with him looking out for her. Then he asks Elena why she didn't let him die in the exploding truck. She tells him she still Has Hope, even after everything he's done, because she knows Who He Really Is, & she's Not Giving Up. Stefan tells her that's pathetic & she stakes him in the side. There's a good little Buffy-wannabe!
Back at his house, Jeremy is trying to get through to Bonnie but she doesn't want to talk. Anna appears & wants to know why Jeremy's thinking of her when he's calling his girlfriend. It's because they're Totally In Love! Even death cannot separate them! They hold up their hands to do that cliché ghost-story touch but this time they can feel each other! It's like magic exists in this world or something!
Now we get to the actual end-of-episode cliffhanger scene (you can tell because of the eerie music) in which Damon's tidying the house, presumably after another one of Stefan's Wild Twister Parties, when suddenly, objects start flying around the room! He thinks it's Stefan but I suspect a ghost. Damon gets thrown dramatically in the air! It is totally a ghost! It's Tyler's dead-werewolf-turned-ghost uncle! Because...
Life Lesson #13: NO ONE EVER FREAKIN DIES IN THIS FREAKIN SHOW!
DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!