Previously, on The
Vampire Diaries:
Stefan craves blood!
But mostly he craves loves Elena! So Evil English Viking Klaus turned off Stefan's humanity so now he doesn't love
anyone! Oh, and also, Klaus once killed his mother & lied to his
sister so his father Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire wants to
kill him, so he (Michael the
Vampire-Hunting Vampire) is banding up with Damon, who craves loves Elena too but who mostly just wants to save Stefan from being a
No-Humanity Off the Rails Ripper with the power of bromance! Got
that? No, me neither.
Currently,
on The Vampire Diaries, Stefan,
Damon, Elena & Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire have
constructed a Super Duper Foolproof Plan. The plan is this: Stefan
phones Klaus to tell him his father's dead, Klaus comes back to
Mystic Falls, Stefan kills Klaus. Easy, right? But what happens when
he asks to see the body? Um, well...
As
it turns out, Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire is totes game for a
bit of death. He understands how this show works; he knows that if
Elena stabs him with the special Original Vampire Killing Dagger
chances are he'll come back from the (un)dead, because *drum roll*
Life
Lesson #1 (aka the most important Life Lesson of all): Nobody ever
actually dies in this show.
Also,
he has in his possession a stake made from the wood of the plot
point white oak tree & wants to kill Klaus with it himself.
So,
Elena kills Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire, Stefan calls Klaus &
then Elena removes the dagger & Michael the Vampire-Hunting
Vampire comes back to life, begging the question of why he had to die
in the first place if it wasn't so that Klaus could see his dead
body. But anyway.
Rebekah
& Michael the Vampire-Hunting
Vampire-who-just-got-staked-for-no-reason have a little
father-daughter bonding time because Rebekah's still a little unhappy
that her father destroyed her family by making them all vampires. But
I'm sure she's just overreacting.
Meanwhile,
in the more important parts of Mystic Falls, it's almost Homecoming!
And Elena has nothing to wear! And Bonnie doesn't have a date! This
is even more tragic than all the vampire stuff!
Stefan
has nothing to wear either. He barges in demanding to borrow clothes
from his brother because he may be 162 years old but goddamnit it's
HOMECOMING & he needs a tie. Sheesh. Then Elena gets mad because
he says she'll prolly get murdered by the homecoming queen which
means he thinks she won't be homecoming queen. Poor Elena.
Meanwhile,
at the school, Caroline & Tyler the werejerkpire are getting
ready for the dance because Caroline never saw a committee she didn't
want to lead. She asks Tyler to pass her the glue gun.
Life
Lesson #2: Werepires are closet crafters.
Tyler
tells Caroline that Rebekah is going to the dance with Matt. This
makes Caroline very angry because Matt is a Lovely Innocent Person
and Rebekah is a Blood Slut. Mind your manners, Caroline! (I feel
like I'm turning into Effie Trinket.)
(My MS Paint skills just get better & better.)
Tyler tells Caroline that Matt
is not in fact a Lovely Innocent Person but A Guy which means it's
totes okay to objectify Rebekah cause Matt's only going to the dance
with her because she's hot. When this makes Caroline even angrier,
Tyler points out that he's painting a bus with glitter for the
homecoming dance so he's clearly a women's rights champion.
Life
Lesson #3: It's completely fine to be a massive sexist dick, so long
as you have glitter & a glue gun to prove you're totally "sired"
to your girlfriend. That sound you hear is my teeth grinding.
Meanwhile,
at the Salvatore mansion, Rebekah is feeling all the feelings. She's
super excited because it's her first high school dance & she
wants to look perfect.
Life
Lesson #4: Homecoming is just as important to 1,000-year-olds as it
is to 17-year-olds.
But
she's also sad about Stefan killing Klaus, because he's her brother.
That's a little more understandable than the Homecoming thing.
Although he did lock her in a coffin for sixty years...
Anyway,
her nervous excitement wins out over her sadness at her brother's
impending death (although she does kindly advise Elena not to trust
any member of her Original Vampire family). So Elena gives her the
Magical Witchy Necklace that belonged to Rebekah's mom, & then
she stabs her with the magic dagger.
Elena
goes & tells Damon that she's the Weak Link in the Super Duper
Foolproof Plan because she cares too much & she's sorry for what
she did. Damon tells her that the whole stabbing-Rebekah-in-the-back
thing was very Katherine of her, which doesn't help, but then he
reminds her that Rebekah isn't actually dead, which does. Someone
remind me what the point of an Original Vampire Killing Dagger is
when said dagger doesn't ever actually kill?
Meanwhile,
at the high school, the Worst Thing Ever has happened: Homecoming's
been cancelled! The gym is flooded! Caroline is devastated! But Tyler
the Sensitive Werejerkpire steps in to save the day! He says they can
have the dance at his house!
Back
at the Salvatore mansion, Matt shows up to take Rebekah to the dance,
not knowing that she's currently all grey & veiny on the floor of
her bedroom. Elena offers herself as backup date.
Music-festival
atmosphere, designer clothes, lantern-lit garden, yep, this looks
like an impromptu homecoming dance transferred hastily to a student's
back garden all right... Caroline is super annoyed that Tyler has
thrown a better Homecoming than she'd originally planned in less than
an hour but what she doesn't know, & what Tyler tells Stefan, is
that he's not the one organising this party, it's Klaus. And by the
way, it's not a party. It's a wake. DUN DUN DUNNNN.
Life
Lesson #5: Rock band members are hairy.
So
now that Klaus has a hairy band & a whole heap of teenagers at
his father's funeral he'd kinda like to see the body whose death he's
celebrating. But instead of asking to be brought to the body, he
commands Stefan to bring his father outside! Oh cunning Klaus, always
one step ahead. When Stefan asks what's in it for him, Klaus promises
that when he is sure his father is dead, he will lift the compulsion
& Stefan can have his freedom back.
Back at the Salvatore mansion, Damon & Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire are having
a very civilised heart-to-heart between enemies where Damon doesn't
offer Michael a whiskey because he drinks from vampires but Michael
the Vampire-Hunting Vampire explains that he's kind of like the Robin
Hood of vampires - he only feeds from the predator. But unlike Robin
Hood he doesn't give the bad guys' blood to the needy, cause that'd
be gross. Not that drinking blood in general isn't gross. And not that Robin Hood stole blood. I'll shut
up now.
Stefan
interrupts to say that Klaus wants Michael the Vampire-Hunting
Vampire's body at Tyler's & won't be coming to the house. He also
wants to know what Damon's plan is but Damon says his plan doesn't
involve Stefan & then Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire bites
Stefan & he collapses! Layers upon layers! Who is deceiving who?
The suspense is killing me!
This
is not the first time I've thought that Stefan's facial expressions
suggest liking pain a little too much...
Back
at the party, Klaus tells Tyler he's invited all his charming
werepire friends to protect him should anyone, oh I dunno, show up
unexpectedly & try to kill him. Tyler goes to Caroline first with
this information, which is foolish because no one ever tells the
blonde vampire anything. And even if she did know something, she
wouldn't tell Tyler because he's a jerkface who is sired to Klaus. So
Tyler totally proves that he can be trusted by syringing Caroline in
the neck.
Is
someone going to get stabbed at the end of every scene this episode?
There won't be any characters left at the party.
Back
outside, the Hairy Rock Band are wearing vampire capes & Klaus
has found Elena. He explains that people have been after him for a
thousand years, so he's kinda paranoid at this point & whatever
complicated stabby plan they've concocted won't work because he's
like a million steps ahead so there. Well, you know what they say,
Klaus, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to
get you.
Upstairs,
Tyler gets Matt to take Caroline's unconscious body out of the house
before Things Get Dangerous. Using irrefutable abusive dude logic he
explains to Matt that he's only hurting her to keep her safe. Matt
may buy that, but I sure don't.
Downstairs,
Damon kills the doorman who will only let hybrids into the house,
then starts a vampire/werepire fight with Tyler for having the
werepires there in the first place. But before any more stabbing can
happen, they both break apart with severe headaches!
Bonnie:
she has the Power of Migraine.
Which
was all part of this rather convoluted plan, we discover as Tyler
collapses.
Meanwhile,
Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire is ready to have a nice little
chat with his son. He shows up politely at the front door but for
some reason he can't get inside even though Klaus jokingly invites
him in? So Michael sort of just stands on the porch insulting his son
for a good ten minutes.
Finally,
Klaus gets tired of being called a coward & gets his small army
of werepires to surround his father to kill him. But Michael the
Vampire-Hunting Vampire is such a badass he compels the vampire parts
of the werepires so they'll follow his orders instead of Klaus's, &
then he produces Elena from somewhere or other & threatens to
kill her! Which'll kill all the werepires because Elena's the
Doppleganger & her blood is the key to making werepires!
But
Michael isn't done insulting Klaus yet. With his newly-compelled army
of werepires around him & Elena caught in a headlock, he tells
his son that no one cares about him or about whether he lives or
dies, which makes Klaus Very Sad.
And
then Klaus calls his dad's bluff, so Michael stabs Elena who turns
out to have been Katherine all along! Damon stabs Klaus, Stefan tries
to stop him, Damon misses, Klaus grabs the stake & stabs Michael
the Vampire-Hunting Vampire & I swear if I had a cent for every
time someone got stabbed this episode I'd be able to buy a really big bag
of penny sweets.
And
then Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire dies rather dramatically
which would suggest that, despite this show's track record, he isn't
coming back.
Klaus
stares meaningfully into Stefan's eyes & grants him his freedom.
A
little later, in Caroline's house, Caroline wakes up to find Tyler
watching over her because he's so loving & sensitive &
totally not jerkish at all. He explains that he poisoned her for her
own good. I'm glad that Caroline gives out to him for not having, you
know, maybe like asked her to leave because things were gonna
get dangerous rather than stabbing her in the neck, but I'm less
impressed that she then totally buys Tyler's excuse that she would
never have left her friends to fight Klaus alone. I think Tyler has
forgotten that Caroline is a freakin vampire who is just as strong as
the others who stayed & who could TOTALLY KICK HIS ASS. AND SHE
SHOULD.
Then
Caroline says she's not sure she can be with Tyler because his every
move is being controlled by an evil English Viking werepire &
Tyler whinges a bit about how when he was just a werewolf the moon
controlled him & now that he's a werepire Klaus controls him so
actually it's okay because Klaus is better than the moon, or
something, I don't know, I kinda zoned out because whenever Tyler
comes on screen I just want to slap his stupid werepire face. Anyway,
he doesn't want Caroline to turn her back on him after everything
they've been through but Caroline doesn't answer (adda girl,
Caroline) so he storms out.
Back
at the Salvatore mansion, Damon is furious that the plan didn't work
even though they thought they'd anticipated all of Klaus' moves.
Elena tells him that they'll be okay because they can get through it
& Damon says they're never gonna get Stefan back & Elena
tells him that in that case they'll just have to let him go. It's a
very romantic almost-kiss moment that is, as always, interrupted by a
ringing phone.
Katherine
is calling to say goodbye to Damon, who is thankful for her flying
visit, but who doesn't know that she is on the road with Stefan!
Turns out that the whole plan with Stefan stopping anyone from
killing Klaus was all Katherine's idea! Because she really does love
the Salvatore brothers! Also, she knows Klaus's secret!
When
she was posing as Elena at the party Klaus told her that even when
their sire is dead, hybrids have to follow their orders, & Klaus
has ordered his whole army of werepires to kill Damon if he himself
should die! So they can't kill Klaus without Damon dying!
So
while everyone else was busy putting the Let's-Kill-Klaus plan into
action, Katherine went to Stefan &, using the timeless power of
bromance, convinced Stefan to dredge up enough humanity to save
Damon's life. USE THE FORCE BROMANCE, LUKE!
Plus,
Katherine has Another Plan for which she needs Stefan's help. And that plan
involves Stefan stealing all of Klaus's coffin-emprisoned family that
he carts around everywhere with him in the back of a truck.
Predictably, Klaus isn't too pleased...