The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare

You know how some people make new years resolutions like: Read Fifty Books in One Year? Well, I think one that better applies to me is: Read Less Books & Do More Work & Other Stuff because by January 3rd I'd already read three books. But that's not entirely my fault. Cassandra Clare shares a large part of the blame.

Here is what the back cover of City of Bones has to say for itself:

When Clary Fray heads out to the Pandemonium Club in New York City, she hardly expects to witness a murder. Much less a murder committed by three teenagers covered with odd markings.

This is Clary’s first meeting with the Shadowhunters, warriors dedicated to ridding the earth of demons - and keeping the odd werewolves and vampires in line. It’s also her first meeting with gorgeous, golden-haired Jace. Within twenty-four hours Clary is pulled into Jace’s world with a vengeance, when her mother disappears and Clary herself is attacked by a demon. But why would demons be interested in an ordinary mundane like Clary? And how did she suddenly get the Sight? The Shadowhunters would like to know...

Clary Fray is a fifteen-year-old artist (because YA heroines always want to be artists or writers when they grow up & never accountants or publicists or occupational therapists*) whose world is turned upside-down when she realises she can see through the glamour that demons & other Downworlders use to become invisible to humans ("mundanes": the new muggles). Then her mother disappears & Clary & her nerdy, bespectacled best friend Simon team up with teenage Shadowhunters Jace, Isabelle & Alec, to find out where she is.

Clary soon discovers that her mother was once a Shadowhunter herself, & that all of Clary's early memories of the demon world have been erased. Also, serious Bad Guy Valentine, an evil ex-Shadowhunter previously presumed dead, wants to summon demons to help him eliminate any Shadowhunters who don't agree with his Death Eater-ish beliefs.

Evil supernatural purists, mysterious tattoos, demons, werewolves & vampires, a beautiful boy with a serious attitude problem: City of Bones (along with its sequels, City of Ashes & City of Glass) sounds like your typical young adult urban fantasy. Which it is. Only not all typical young adult urban fantasy is this addictive. Here's what really worked for me about this series:

1. Good prose. One of the reasons this series is so easy to read is because it's just really well written. The descriptions are gorgeous, the dialogue is snappy & often very funny & the pace is perfect. I could hardly put it down (I read an entire trilogy in three days, of course I could hardly put it down).

2. Good stock characters. In some ways Clary is like every other YA urban fantasy heroine (she's artsy, she thinks herself plain but boys love her even if she doesn't realise they do, she ends up with unusual powers), only somehow, probably related to point 1, she's very likeable & not annoying in the slightest. She's also maybe more fleshed-out than the other heroines I'm thinking of: she's kind of nerdy, a little flighty & quite short-tempered, which makes for a pretty realistic supernatural teenager.

Similarly, Jace is the Regulation Hottie. He's a bad boy with an attitude problem & a blatant disregard for authority who functions as one-third of the love triangle that always seems to involve a "plain" girl, her nerdy but wise-cracking best friend & an aloof & mysterious new boy. But Jace isn't idealised in the way that some Regulation Hotties are (*cough*Edward*cough*); he has a carefully & sensitively crafted backstory to his brooding & can get pretty exasperating (which also makes for a pretty realistic supernatural teenager). So while I'm generally always on Team Best Friend when it comes to love triangles, I have to admit that the chemistry between Clary & Jace can get pretty electric.

Some of the secondary characters include sexy, ass-kicking Shadowhunter Isabelle & her moody, closeted brother Alec; Dungeons-&-Dragons-playing, curly-haired best friend Simon; sarcastic, glittery warlock Magnus Bane; & charismatic but manipulative bad guy Valentine. All pretty standard characters (except Magnus, perhaps, who is too awesome to be counted as a stock character) but all excellently written, engaging & complex. This is how all YA fantasy characters should be written.

3. Forbidden love. I LOVE forbidden love. Tortured romance is so much more satisfying than regular romance, & although this series does action & adventure really well, it often feels like the romantic tension is leading the plot. And with the intensity of the will they/ won't they/ can they/ can't they, that's hardly surprising.

4. ALL the supernatural creatures! If you like vampires & werewolves & faeries & warlocks & angels & demons & you just don't know which to chose, this series has 'em all. Now I have to admit I'm not a big fan of angels. Angels in fiction (especially in YA) tend to make me roll my eyes a lot (unless they belong to Philip Pullman or Neil Gaiman). In the Mortal Instruments series Shadowhunters are humans with distant angel ancestors, & there's a fair amount of angel lore to go with all the demon stuff (while somehow avoiding discussing if any particular god exists within the word of the series) which I suppose makes sense, but I'm not particularly fond of it. The demons of the series are great, however, sort of like Buffy demons only with less of the kitten-eating & more of the human-ribcage-cracking.

Actually, the Mortal Instruments series reads sort of like a cross between Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Harry Potter. (These are a few of my favourite things...) It's good, reliable young adult fantasy & I highly recommend it.

*It used to vaguely annoy me that so many characters in novels want to be or become artists & writers until I realised that for every character who achieves their childhood dream of becoming a writer, there is an author writing these characters who achieved the very same dream.  

Important Life Lessons & Even More Ghosts than Last Time: The Vampire Diaries 3:7 Recap

I have been a Very Bad Blogger & have missed a whole bunch of episodes of The Vampire Diaries which is clearly inexcusable so I just won't try to apologise. Instead, I propose some recaps! Lots of recaps! ALL the recaps! Here is what has been happening up to now in our favourite TV show about a girl who is a doppelgänger of an evil vampire who is in love with two vampire brothers who are both in love with the original doppelgänger girl & we're not quite sure which of them is supposed to be the Good Brother or the Bad Boy Brother in any given week. Also there are ghosts. And werepires. And witches who are all African-American because that makes sense. Actually, everything in this show makes perfect sense. Especially Viking names, as you will discover shortly.

When we left Mystic Falls many, many moons ago (too many moons ago), our loveable heroine Elena was in quite a pickle. Not only has her mopey vampire boyfriend Stefan gone Off the Rails & become a blood-drinking Ripper who is under the control of Evil English Klaus, who is a werepire, but her mopey boyfriend's charming & roguish brother Damon totally has the hots for her & isn't particularly subtle about it. But does she like him back? Or is she just not ready yet to admit that Stefan is Lost to Her Forever?

At the same time, Elena's little brother Jeremy (who is dating her best friend Bonnie, who is African-American & so therefore is a witch) has started seeing ghosts. Most importantly, he has started seeing the his staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriends in the flesh! (Yes, he has more than one staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriend. This is just that type of show.)

Also, Evil English Klaus (who is an Original Vampire as well as being evil, English, & a werepire) has an Evil English sister called Rebecca who is mostly evil in the sense that characters in Mean Girls are evil. Also, she is on the cheerleading squad, which is exactly where you'd expect a 1000 year-old Original Vampire to be. Evil English Klaus & Slightly Petty Rebecca are also in a pickle because they are running from Michael the Vampire Hunting Vampire, who wants to hunt them. Because they're vampires. Katherine, the vampire of whom Elena is a doppelgänger (is that even grammatically correct?) has just released Michael the Vampire Hunting Vampire from his tomb, so Klaus & Rebecca are really in for it this time.

Oh & also also also, Elena's friend Caroline the Bossy Blond Vampire is going out with Tyler who used to be a jock & then became a werewolf & now has been turned into an Angry Jock Werepire by Klaus. Also also, Tyler's uncle Mason, who was a werewolf but then was killed by Damon & Alaric (who is the father figure of the show) is now a ghost & seems to delight in invisibly torturing Damon.

Got all that? Okay, let's race through this recap together because there are plenty more to come!

The episode starts with Damon being tortured for a while before cutting to yet another town event that has something to do with the founding fathers. Anna the staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriend of Jeremy is still around, & looking a lot more like a staked-vampire-turned-ghost girlfriend than a staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriend (thank the founders for the copy-paste tool). You know what, let's just call them ghostpires from now on, shall we?

Jeremy very subtly holds Anna's invisible hand in public. I know, Alaric, I feel the same way.

Bonnie learns that the ghosts being more visible than usual is All Her Fault & that losing her boyfriend to a dead girl is just one of the consequences of bring him back to life. Elena learns that in the past, every time Stefan went Off the Rails his best friend Lexie staged an intervention & made him flat-haired & broody again. But now Lexie is dead. If only we knew someone who could communicate with ghosts!

In other news, Matt is still Very Sad, Caroline is trying to set him up with Bonnie, Stefan quips a lot when he's evil, werewolf-turned-ghost (wereghost?) Mason is still pretty pissed off that Damon & Alaric killed him that one time, & Bonnie & Caroline are trying to find a way to make the ghosts go back to being invisible presences that can see living people at all times (like, even in the toilet) but can't communicate with them & just go around being all stalkery & invisible & (understandably) rather depressed.

Life Lesson #1: When you die, it really sucks.

Life Lesson #2: The only private places to do spells are abandoned haunted buildings.

Of course.

So while Bonnie & Caroline are invoking the power of the 100 dead witches Bonnie's dead witch grandmother, Jeremy & Anna OMG KISS.

Life Lesson #3: It's totes not cheating if the other girl's dead.

Bonnie & her grandmother then proceed to underline what I've said about this show from the beginning (i.e. NOBODY EVER STAYS DEAD IN THIS GODDAMN SHOW) by bringing ALL THE GHOSTS back to life. ALL OF THEM!

Luckily, one of those ALL THE GHOSTS is Lexie, whose first order of business as a now-corporeal ghostpire is to give Stefan a lecture about how terribly Off the Rails he is. And when he acts all Bad Boyish & tells her he doesn't care, Lexie smashes his face into a car window. Cause that's the only way to get through to addicts.

Lexie: she is the badassest.

Meanwhile, in the creepy abandoned building, Grams tells us that everything is all Bonnie's fault because when she brought Jeremy back from the dead she left The Gates open & then all the cows ghosts got out. How does Grams know all this? Because

Life Lesson #4: Witches don't let a little thing like death stop them from gossiping.

Naturally, though, there is a way to close The Gates. Can you guess what it is? That's right! It's Elena's Magic Witchy Necklace that Stefan gave her when he was a Good Guy & that belonged to Rebecca before that & before Rebecca had it it belonged to the Original Witch. Bonnie must now destroy the necklace, but with Lexie about to start Elena on the Stefan-Ripper Detox Crash Course, Elena doesn't want to close the gates any more.

Meanwhile, Mason, unlike Lexie, has got his priorities straight. His first order of business as a now-corporeal wereghost is to go to the pub. Turns out, he doesn't want revenge against Alaric & Damon, he just wants to drink. And to help our heroes find a weapon that can kill Klaus so that his newly werepired nephew can break free from Klaus's control. Oh, & he also wants Damon to apologise for having killed him. Which Damon does. Adorably.

That creepy dungeon cell under the Mystic Falls jail really does get its uses, doesn't it? This episode, it is the setting for Elena & Lexie's ghostpire intervention.

In which we learn that Lexie is so badass she can use ONLY HER EYES

To make Stefan do this:

(Elena takes detailed notes.)

Lexie's Sexy Eyes can also make Stefan believe he has been starving of blood for about three months. Hallucinations & high jinks ensue.

Meanwhile, in the Secret Prehistoric Viking Caves underneath the town (yes, you did just read that right), Mason & Damon may have found a clue to the whereabouts of the weapon that can kill Klaus.

At the same time, Caroline tells Bonnie that her boyfriend's been cheating on her with his ghostpire ex-girlfriend, Lexie starts to torture Stefan as part of the intervention but Elena turns & runs because she clearly doesn't have what it takes to put a Ripper back on the straight & narrow path, & a whole bunch of ghostpires turn up at the town celebrations & start killing members of the founding families.

I'm surprised there are any of them left at this stage.

Unfortunately, the Magic Witchy Necklace is missing, so there's no way to make the founder-killing ghostpires go away. Did Anna steal the necklace? Let's have a look at her motivations:

• According to The Vampire Diaries, when you die you do not a) simply cease existing, or b) go to some kind of heaven. Instead you hang around, stalking the people you love who are still living because there's nothing else to do. You can see living people but you can't see other ghosts, & no one can see you, so you're horribly alone & lonely & afraid all the time. Isn't that nice?
• Anna is still in love with Jeremy, & he can see her & now kiss her. (Anna likes kisses.) When she was properly dead, she didn't get any kisses. Or any interaction of any kind.
• Anna doesn't know where her mother is, if she's Moved On, or if she is just as lonely & scared as Anna herself is. Anna would like to know where her mother is.
• But Anna knows how much havoc Vicki the other ghostpire ex-girlfriend wreaked when she became visible a few episodes ago, & she knows how dangerous it is for all the humans (including Jeremy) to have The Gates open for so long, because a lot of Evil Things can come through The Gates & if the Balance of Life & Death isn't upheld it could lead to a lot of disaster & destruction & other such unpleasant things, including but not limited to The End of the World As We Know It.

So what do you think, did Anna steal the necklace?

Of course Anna stole the necklace.

Elena lectures Anna on letting Jeremy go, Anna returns the necklace, the ghostpires run around attacking people & somewhere in the midst of all of this Caroline finds the time to be completely awesome & single-handedly save Mrs Lockwood from impending death. Go Caroline!

Jeremy & Anna say their goodbyes, Jeremy gives Bonnie the necklace, & Elena tells Lexie she's out of time because the necklace is about to be destroyed. In an effort to reconnect him with his humanity, Lexie reminds Stefan that the necklace has always represented hope for him. Stefan thinks it's pretty ironic that while that's true, & it could be the key to de-Ripperfying him, the necklace in question is about to be blown into pieces.

And now it's time for everyone's favourite Deep & Meaningful emo pop-song closing scene!

This week's song seems to be about standing outside & Bonnie & her ghost grandmother chant in Latin as the Magic Witchy Necklace burns. Cut to the party where Caroline beats up ALL THE GHOSTPIRES & the song says something about crowds & falling. Cut to the Secret Prehistoric Viking Caves (into which Damon is not invited, I forgot to mention) where Mason holds up his light & says that he has Found Something & the song is all about giving me peace. Then he conveniently disappears before letting Damon know what he's seen. Cut to the dungeon where Lexie tells Elena that's Stefan's still in there & the song is all about giving me love. Elena tells Lexie she knows what to do now (I mean, I wouldn't mind learning that Sexy Eye Trick...) & Lexie disappears too. Cut to the town where a Very Sad Anna is walking away but looks up & sees her mother. They hug & disappear together & the song is about crying but not letting it show. Cut to the abandoned house where Grams tells Bonnie she is stronger than all of this & the song is about all the things you wanted to do but never did. Then Grams disappears too & everybody's crying & the song ends & we start on the weekly post-emo-pop-song-dramatic-montage cliffhanger scene.

Aaand it's a Beautiful Bromance scene! I love Beautiful Bromance scenes! Damon, who is still stuck in the Secret Prehistoric Viking Caves but can't get further than a certain point because the Prehistoric Vikings never thought to let him in, has called Alaric to come help because, apart from Elena, Alaric is the only person he trusts. All together now, awwww. Alaric, however, doesn't trust Damon since Damon killed him that one time. In a rather epically adorable scene, Damon apologises to Alaric with the exact same words he used to apologise to Mason (only he means them this time). Then he shows Alaric his Flirty Face:

Meanwhile, Stefan wants to know what Elena's going to do now that Lexie & her Sexy Eyes have disappeared. Elena is not going to Give Up Hope but tells Stefan that if he doesn't find his humanity again he'll lose her forever because she has learned a lot from her little brother's ghostpire misadventures & refuses to love a ghost. Stefan ponders this, sweatily.

Then Elena locks him in the dungeon.

In the haunted house, Bonnie is Very Sad & (understandably) angry at Jeremy. But then there comes a strange noise from the fireplace! The fire flashes! The necklace reappears in the flames, completely whole! Even freakin necklaces don't stay dead in this show!

Back in the Secret Prehistoric Viking Caves, Alaric finds what Mason was looking at when he disappeared. The big secret to destroying Klaus forever is...

A cave painting of some horses??

Important Life Lessons & DRAMATIC MUSIC: The Vampire Diaries 3:5 Recap

This week's Vampire Diaries recap is late because I'm just back from Mayo where there is no internet. (True story: there is no internet in the whole of Mayo.) But without further ado...

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries:

Elena & Katherine are identical! But they're not related! They're doppelgängers, & Evil English Klaus, who is evil, & English, has to kill a doppelgänger to break an ancient curse! He thinks he's killed Elena but she's still alive! So he doesn't know what's gone wrong! The only way he can get what he wants is by contacting the Original Witch! But, as the name suggests, she's been dead for centuries! And the only way he can get in contact with the Original Witch is by a Magical Witchy Necklace that used to be hers! Where could this necklace be? Elena, who is the Good Doppelgänger, has it! And Klaus doesn't know it! But wait! Katherine, who is the Evil Doppelgänger, has stolen the necklace! And now she wants to take Damon on a road trip!

Damon & Stefan are vampire brothers! They are both in love with Elena! And Katherine is in love with both of them! But mostly she just loves herself! Stefan used to be the Good Brother & Damon was the Bad Brother, but now Stefan has joined Evil English Klaus & has become a Ripping Killing Off-the-Rails Machine! He even told Elena he doesn't love her any more! But he's just pretending that he doesn't care to keep her safe! And he's the one who gave her the necklace! But now Katherine has it!

Klaus has a sister! Her name is Rebecca! She's an Original Vampire too! Stefan used to be friends with them back in the 20s & he discovered that they were on the run from someone! That someone is a vampire hunter called Michael! Here's what he looks like:

Flashbacks are helpful Bad Guy identifiers. Stefan made the mistake of asking Rebecca about Michael & now the Evil Siblings know he's not on their side! And Klaus wants to know what it is he's been hiding! So he brings him back to Mystic Falls! Which is where Elena lives! This is Very Bad News!

Currently, on The Vampire Diaries, it's time for a cliché! It's a horror movie cliché! It's an empty high school! It's my favourite horror movie cliché! I can tell this is going to be an awesome episode.

The halls are empty! The classrooms are empty! There's a weird clanking sound echoing through the school! It turns out to be Matt, the Sensitive Blond Jock! He's working out after class, because there totally wouldn't be an insurance issue with letting a student use those heavy exercise machines in a completely empty building. Suddenly, he hears a noise! Eerie music begins to play. He steps out of the gym into the empty corridor. Something ghostlike brushes past him! And because this is a horror movie cliché, instead of running screaming from the school as fast as his Sensitive Jock Legs can carry him, he goes towards the ghostly sound! The music intensifies! He follows the screechy-violin music into a dark classroom, where he turns on the light &...

Sets off a floor-full of mousetraps set by his friends because they're preparing for Senior Prank Night! Oh shucks you guys! Matt is not impressed. He'd forgotten all about Senior Prank Night, but gets roped into it anyway, by Caroline, the Bossy Blond Vampire. Also, I suspect they need him to fill the Token Human spot on the team.

(Left to right: Caroline the Bimbo Turned Bossy Blond Vampire, Tyler the Jock-Jerk Turned Nice-Guy Werewolf, Elena the Good Doppelganger, & Bonnie the Good Witch.)

Our gang of lovable misfits are now in Senior Year! They've been Through A Lot! But they've made it! So now it's time for them to make memories that'll last them the rest of their lives, by supergluing teachers' desks shut. Suddenly the school is well-lit & full of students having a lark & some high jinx. Elena is Very Happy.

Until she walks into one of the school's only remaining badly-lit corridors, & you know by the fact that the camera's close to her face & the Lark-&-Some-High-Jinx music has stopped that something bad's about to happen.

That something bad is Klaus! Oh no!

Today's opening scene music is too cool for school! It's Super-Cool Road Trip Music! Know why? Cause Damon & Katherine, the king & queen of Too Cool For School, are on a road trip! Damon is board & Katherine is flirty. I think that's all I really need to say about any scene that contains the two of them. The rest is just banter.

In Mystic Falls, Stefan wakes refreshed from a night of being tortured by Klaus. Rebecca, who is guarding him, knows that he knows that Klaus knows that... hold on, I've lost track. Anyway, Rebecca says Klaus is ripping Elena the Cow's Bloody Head off! Stefan plays it totally nonchalant & badass until...

He slams Rebecca to the ground! (Maybe the dramatic music made him do it.) But Rebecca is jealous! And way, way stronger than Stefan. Vampire fights make the most sickening bone-crunchy noises. It's awesome. Also, Stefan ends up impaled on a metal pole.

Life Lesson #1: Never make a vampire woman jealous.

Back at the high school, Klaus is dragging Elena angrily through the corridors, talking at her about his plan & why it didn't work & what he's going to do now (make sure she can still break the curse & then kill her, but first make her suffer a lot) in typical Bad Guy fashion.

Life Lesson #2: Bad Guys really do like to talk.

It's pop-rock music time! This really is a high school episode! It's like something out of Ten Things I Hate About You, which may well be the greatest teen movie ever. In the gym, those whacky seniors are constructing some sort of elaborate prank involving hundreds of paper cups. But what's this? Klaus storms into the hall, puts on an American accent & tells the kids to leave! All except two poor souls who get singled out to be compelled.

So, Klaus does the creepy compulsion thing really well. Today, he compels a girl to stand on one leg, & tells her guy friend that if she touches that leg to the ground he is to beat her to death. It's always the compulsion scenes I find genuinely creepy. That probably says something about my problems with authority.

Far far away, we rejoin the roadtrip, which has paused momentarily since Damon's stopped the car & thrown away the keys. He demands to know what Katherine's up to! He would never have left town with her so willingly otherwise! Katherine tells him she's stolen Elena's necklace because Klaus wants it & she wants to stay two steps ahead of her enemy, but she doesn't say why Klaus wants it. Also, she's kidnapped Jeremy & stuffed him in the trunk. Because nothing inspires a vampire's trust more than the unconscious teenage brother of the woman he loves.

Back in Mystic Falls, we're back in the high school! I've missed Mystic Falls High! Also, I'm glad term's starting again because the second chapter of my thesis, which I'm starting research on next week, is all about high school! So recapping The Vampire Diaries is totally study!

Anyway, in the school, which is suddenly ill-lit & empty again, Caroline & Tyler are having a Moment. Caroline wants everybody to be happy, & she wants this school year to be the best one ever.

Life Lesson #3: If you live in a town in which supernatural shit goes down about every other day, don't say you want this to be the best year ever, even if you're thinking it. You're totally going to jinx it.

Oh look, here comes a jinx! It's Rebecca, & she knows who they are! But who is she, Caroline wants to know. Why, she's the New Girl, & she's got fangs!

In the pool room -

Life Lesson #4: All American high schools have olympic-sized pools in their gyms.

- Bonnie & Matt are TPing the room & talking about Jeremy's sightings of Vicky, Matt's dead sister who is also Jeremy's Drugged-Up-Party-Girl Come Staked-Vampire-Turned-Ghost ex-girlfriend. It's a complicated situation. Bonnie & Matt look back on the year that's past, & muse on the fact that last summer they had no problems except breakups & failing CPR & now Matt's feeling really left out because his ex is dating a vampire, his friend's a witch & his sister's a ghost & he's just a lowly human. Don't worry Matt, it worked out okay for Xander! (Plus or minus an eye.)

He goes off to get more toilet paper & there's no music, so you know something bad's right around the next toilet stall...

I don't think we need a cliché count for this one - this whole episode is based on the high-school-inna-scary-movie trope.

Matt's about to leave with his toilet paper when one of the bathroom stall doors open! But he was just inside, & there was nobody there! The Eerie Violins are back. (That'd be a great name for a band.) He goes to check, & sees graffiti eulogising his dead sister. Then he closes the stall door again & his sister's right behind him!

But he can't hear her! But he might have felt her! It must be so frustrating to be a ghost.

In the gym, Girl Standing on One Leg is clearly no ballerina. She's about to drop her leg when Bonnie & Matt come into the gym. Elena shouts at them to leave but they're exactly who Klaus has been waiting for! (Well, Bonnie is, no one cares about Matt cause he's just a lowly human.) And then Rebecca drags Tyler in too, & Klaus grabs him & explains his Evil Plan.

He forces Tyler to drink some of his blood & tells the assembled (& rather shocked) audience that every time he's tried to turn a werewolf into a werepire hybrid the werewolf dies. So he tells Bonnie she'd better find a way to reverse that, or else it's bye bye Tyler. *Snap* goes Tyler's neck.

DRAMATIC MUSIC!!!

On the other side of town, Stefan wakes up - with difficulty - & removes the large metal bar that's sticking through his chest.

Life Lesson #5: Seriously. Never made a lady vampire jealous.

At the gym, Rebecca's being jealous at Elena & Klaus has commanded Bonnie to go fetch her Big Book o'Spells to make sure Tyler comes back to life without bleeding from the eyeballs. Bonnie is worried because the Original Witch spell is over a thousand years old & her Big Book o'Spells doesn't go back that far. She used to be able to contact the Ghosts of Witches Past but they conveniently cut her off after she brought Jeremy back from the dead. I don't understand their problem, I mean it's not like anyone ever stays dead in this show. But Bonnie's figured something out! She may not be able to contact the dead, but you know who can? Jeremy can!

You know who else has figured this out? That's right, it's our favourite scheming doppelgänger, Katherine! Katherine's old friend Pearl from season two once said that she knew of a vampire who could kill Klaus, but she neglected to share the rest of the information with anyone but her teenage daughter, & now she's dead. And so is her teenage daughter. Who is this teenage daughter, I hear those of you who didn't watch season two ask? Why, it's none other than Jeremy's other Staked-Vampire-Turned-Ghost Ex-Girlfriend, Anna! It's all coming together so nicely!

Back at the high school, Stefan seems to have had a change of heart. He comes into the gym to ask Klaus's forgiveness & pledge himself to him. Klaus, unsurprisingly, tells Stefan to kill the human couple, & elbows Elena in the face when she protests.

Life Lesson #6: Never say "he isn't going to hurt me" around an Evil English Werepire. He'll take it as a challenge.

Stefan completely forgets his pledge & turns on Klaus! He tells him he'll do anything once Klaus doesn't hurt Elena! But Klaus doesn’t believe him! Do we honestly blame him? So he compels Stefan to obey him forever!

The music gets so dramatic I can hardly stand it & Evil Compelled Stefan -

- kills those poor defenceless humans! Which is totally different & more dramatic than all the times he killed poor defenceless humans for Klaus without the excuse of having been compelled to do it.

Meanwhile, on a picnic bench somewhere in Road Trip County, Jeremy is talking to Anna but she refuses to help Katherine. So Damon punches Jeremy, which makes Anna a lot more willing to talk. She says that they're looking for Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire, but that it'd be a Very Bad Idea to wake him because he'd kill them all. Damon gets his keys.

Back in Mystic Falls, Rebecca's learning how to use mobile telephones. Apparently holding the phone at arms length & making duck-lips is just instinctive, even to a 1920s girl.

She's definitely got the tapping-to-zoom thing down though, because after going through Caroline's photos & pouting at the ones of Stefan & Elena, she notices that Elena's necklace looks somehow familiar...

Rebecca storms into the gym & demands to know where her necklace is! Stefan looks up from his meal -

Life Lesson #7: Even when compelled, vampires are messy eaters.

- Rebecca shows Klaus Caroline's phone -

Life Lesson #8: Evil English Werepires are also very good with smartphones.

- & she runs at Elena.

Life Lesson #9: 1920s vampire women are very possessive & will rip your throat out if they think you're lying about not having their necklace any more.

Life Lesson #10: When Original Vampires want to know something, they'll play Good Cop Bad Cop.

Klaus kindly asks a bleeding Elena where the necklace is, & when Elena explains that Katherine stole it Klaus decides to make things more fun by giving Bonnie twenty minutes to find the spell. If she fails, he says, Stefan must kill Elena.

DRAMATIC MUSIC ACCOMPANIED BY COUNTDOWN CLOCK!!!

Meanwhile, Bonnie still can't get through to Jeremy & something's been throwing Matt's clothes around the workout room! Matt follows a trail of clothes (how many clothes does this boy have?) to the pool room where he finds his car keys at the bottom of the pool. Then Vicky appears behind him! But he can't hear her! So she kicks one of his shoes into the pool! That sure gets his attention. Then, she spots his phone lying on the ground.

Life Lesson #11: Smartphones are the new ouiji boards.

Matt's got a great idea! He knows Jeremy can see ghosts because Bonnie brought him back from the dead, so Matt decides that if Bonnie brings him back from the dead, he'll see ghosts too! She doesn't even need to do magic, cause she never failed CPR! Isn't that handy? I can't see any possible problem with this plan!

Bonnie rushes through the halls! The music is super dramatic! She plunges into the pool & brings now-dead Matt back to the surface!

Back in Road Trip County, Damon gets his phone back from Katherine & sees a bunch of messages from Bonnie. He leaves Jeremy with Katherine to get Anna to tell them more about Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire, & he returns to Mystic Falls to save the day.

At the high school, the CPR isn't working! Matt wakes up in a glowy blue version of the pool room, where Vicky tells him to give Bonnie a message before sending him back to life.

Life Lesson #12: This is the Ultimate Life Lesson I've learned from The Vampire Diaries. Everybody dies horrible violent deaths, usually as teenagers. But, Life Lesson #12a: Nobody, & I mean nobody, ever stays dead.

In the gym, Elena's trying to get Stefan to fight the compulsion & just drink from her without killing her when the timer goes off but Stefan shouts that now he is A RIPPER! And A RIPPER DOESN'T STOP!

A RIPPER is also a tortured soul, which is something that this scene really reminds us about, because this scene is all about how much A RIPPER loves Elena & how she's the only reason he can't turn it all off & how now that he's A RIPPER he's gone all Edward Cullen on us & hears only the sweet sweet beat of her heart every time she speaks & wants her blood (or should I say "blood") more than anything & if he tastes even one drop of that sweet bloody nectar she's dead.

DRAMATICEST MUSIC OF ALL!!!

In the science lab, Tyler's woken up. Rebecca kindly explains the impending death situation to him. Oh hey, she's found the countdown function on the iPhone! It took me like a week to figure my one out, & I grew up in this century.

And yes, I know it's not an iPhone, but it's pretty much the same thing.

Back at the pool hall, Matt delivers Vicky's message to Bonnie, which is from the Original Witch herself. As we all suspected, except, apparently, for the characters of this show, Elena is the key. It's because she survived that the curse wasn't broken, & it'll only be broken if she dies. Matt says that Tyler's going to die, isn't he, but Klaus, who's overheard the entire exchange, would like to beg to differ.

Life Lesson #13: When it comes to sensitive information that could get your friends killed, it's best to whisper.

In the gym, the countdown's almost up! Sixteen seconds to go! Stefan implores Elena to run for it but Elena says Stefan must fight! She declares her love for him! He makes this face:

She tells him not to give up! But he can't hold it! He clings to the bleachers! He rushes at her! He tells her to run! RUN!

MOST DRAMATIC MUSIC OF ALL DRAMATIC MUSICS IN ALL THE WORLD!!!

Elena races down the corridors! Stefan follows! He slams into lockers to slow himself down! Elena runs! Stefan slams! Elena runs! Stefan slams! Elena runs! Stefan slams! (This goes on for a while.) Elena runs! And slams into Klaus!!! There aren't enough exclamation marks for this scene!!!

And they even throw in a cliché! God I love this show! Klaus says "we've got to stop meeting like this" & we cut to Stefan, who's made it to the cafeteria - but wait, what's he doing? He's breaking a sweeping brush in half! Could it be? Is our broody tortured soul going to stake himself? He raises the brush-stake & stabs it through his stomach as Klaus & Elena crash into the room! Klaus applauds Stefan's love for Elena, but he removes the stake & tries to convince Stefan to turn off his humanity. Stefan shoves Klaus & says "NO!!!!!!!!" (There were exactly that many exclamation marks. I counted.)

Klaus throws Stefan to the other side of the room & Super Compels him as the DRAMATIC MUSIC swells & swells. Stefan's eyes roll back in his head! His expression becomes even more vacant than usual. Klaus has won. He decides to test his victory by asking A RIPPER (somewhere, Rupert Giles is crying) if he would like a nice drink from the doppelgänger neck.

I guess that's a yes.

DRAMATIC MUSIC FADE TO BLACK!!!

In the science lab, Tyler's dying. Klaus comes in with a test tube of Elena's blood because he doesn't think that the Original Witch told the truth. So instead of killing Elena, he wants Tyler to drink a bit of her blood. Well, that's much better for all involved, now isn't it?

The music gets all dramatic (again)! Tyler starts to thrash around on the floor! Caroline screams! Tyler writhes! He cries out! And then, he turns into this:

Tyler is now a bona fide werepire! Hooray for Klaus!

Later on, Elena wakes up in a hospital bed. She wants to leave but the nurse won't let her because she's lost a lot of blood. But it turns out the nurse is taking her blood for Klaus! Out in the car park, Klaus explains to Rebecca that the Original Witch was a very clever lady who hated Klaus very much so she made it so that he had to kill the doppelgänger to become a werepire, but in killing her would lose the ability to make more werepires, therefore dooming him to an eternity of loneliness. Because he couldn't, you know, make friends with other vampires or werewolves.

So that's what Klaus's whole werepire obsession is about, Rebecca figures out. Poor little Klaus is just afraid of being alone. If I didn't want to be alone, I wouldn't compel my best bro friend to forget all about me & lock my sister in a coffin for ninety years. But maybe that's just me.

Klaus sends Rebecca off to get the truck so they & Elena can get the hell out of this one horse town, when Damon shows up! Yay Damon! Only he can save the day! Look at this face, this is a face that means business:

Klaus goes to kill Damon but Damon tells him Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire knows where he is! And he's coming to get him! So Klaus drops Damon & disappears! He didn't even call his bluff!

Damon finds Elena asleep on the hospital bed & judging by the soundtrack I think it may be time for another Deep & Meaningful emo pop song closing scene! Yay!

This week, the song is about there being too many fights in the world tonight & Elena whispers Damon's name & he carries her out of the hospital. Cut to the high school, where Caroline wants to know if Tyler's all right but he says he feels amazing & twirls her in the air & says this is gonna be the best year ever. Caroline smiles but she's secretly worried & the song is about looking to you & someone stealing someone else's heart. Cut to the workout room, where Matt is troubled & Bonnie tells him to try live his life like a normal person but he knows he can't any more & the music's all electric-guitar instrumental because Matt's too upset for lyrics. Bonnie leaves & Matt hears someone beside him & he looks up & it's Vicky & the song's all about someone staying with someone else. Cut to Damon's house, where the music gently fades & he offers a shell-shocked Elena some bourbon & hands her her necklace, which he stole back from Katherine. Elena is More Than Sad because Stefan's really gone this time & Damon wasn't there to help. He says he shouldn't have left & - one more cliché for the road! - promises he will never leave her again. And he does that weird eye thing.

Their Tender Moment is suddenly cut short, however, when Actually Evil This Time Stefan shows up at the living room door! Is it just me, or has his hair gotten more vertical since the last scene? He pours himself a scotch, cause he's clearly the Bad Boy now (& boy oh boy has he worked on that swagger) & informs Elena that Klaus has asked him to keep an eye on her while he's gone.

Meanwhile, somewhere far away, it's time for this week's post-emo-pop-song-dramatic-montage cliffhanger scene!

Katherine & Jeremy have found Michael the Vampire Hunting Vampire's tomb! They break in & throw open the coffin lid! Houdini lies inside!

The music does daba-daba-DUM-daba-daba-DUM-daba-daba-DUM faster & faster as Katherine & Jeremy look down... And the Hunter's eyes open!

DUN DUN (DABA-DABA) DUNNNNNNN...

Important Life Lessons & Counting Sighs: The Vampire Diaries 3:2 Recap

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: all this stuff happened, & dramatic music played.

Once upon a time in Mystic Falls...

Damon puts pins in a map taped up on his wall as the news plays in the background, reminding us that his fake compelled girlfriend has been murdered. Although the news thinks it's either an accident or a suicide.

Life Lesson #1: Small vampire-infested towns are always oblivious to said vampire infestation. I mean, a couple students died in Sunnydale every day, & people's throats are getting ripped out all over Mystic Falls but no one seems to notice.

Elena has noticed, amazingly, & has put two & two together, & visits Damon because he's been dodging her calls. She wishes he'd told her about his dead fake compelled girlfriend but he says he didn't want to say anything because it was Elena's birthday. Which was so very happy anyway. Thank you, Damon!

Elena tells Damon that Stefan called her last night & that she got the sheriff to trace the call to Tennessee but Damon insists that Stefan is gone now "& not just geographically." He's doing that weird eye thing, so you know he means it.

Later that morning, somewhere that is not Elena's couch, Alaric is sleeping strategically shirtless. (You know, the kind of shirtless that doesn't have the covers pulled up, the kind that looks like he went to bed in his clothes but not his shirt). Also the button of his trousers isn't done up. Fangirls swoon.

(I have no idea what happened to Alaric's head in this screencap, but I'm just going to leave it as it is if that's okay.)

Elena is making the rounds this morning. She wants to know what Alaric knows about Stefan & Tennessee, because she Has Faith, not like Damon, & believes that Tortured Soul Stefan still exists inside Bad Boy Stefan's vertical-hair-topped body. Alaric plays the mentor card & tells Elena to stay out of it because it's not safe for her. He says Stefan's Off the Rails which just makes me think of a vampire-themed makeover show.

(That's a very Irish reference, sorry.)

Elena knows that Stefan would never give up on her, so she's never going to give up on him & I think we should start counting how many times Alaric sighs heavily every episode. So far, he's sighed twice.

Alaric sighs heavily (Sigh Count: 3) & finally tells Elena what she wants to know.

We then rejoin Stefan & Klaus in the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee where Klaus is teasing Stefan about his brooding (thank you, Klaus!) & the whole scene looks like something out of Brokeback Mountain except that Stefan is carrying a dead werewolf across his shoulders.

The evil duo bicker good-naturedly for another few minutes before coming across the werewolf pack they've been looking for. A werewolf pack looks kind of like a very civilised music festival.

They drop the dead werewolf's body in the middle of the camp ground & About To Be An Important Character werewolf girl (you can tell she's about to become an important character because she's pretty & she looks like a cross between Elena & Anna, who was Jeremy's dead vampire girlfriend last season) crouches over his body & asks the evil duo to explain themselves.

Dramatic music plays. Klaus says: "My name is Klaus" & the music gets even more dramatic. I wish that happened whenever I introduced myself. About To Be An Important Character werewolf girl gasps because Klaus is The Hybrid (you know, like the title of the episode?) & the werewolves have heard of The Hybrid. Dun dun dunnnnnn...

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler's mom is pouring herself a brandy & picking up one of the darts she used to shoot Caroline. (Shouldn't she already have gotten rid of the evidence?) She pours the contents of the dart into the coffee pot as Tyler bounds downstairs in happy morning-after-sex oblivion. She watches carefully as Tyler pours himself some coffee & tells him that Caroline sneaked out "like a prostitute" that morning. Tyler is a little surprised but not too put out by the fact that his vampire girlfriend allegedly sneaked out. Mostly he doesn't seem to mind that his mom knows he had a girl over, & minds even less that she's comparing said girl to a prostitute.

Is this the kind of look you'd give your mother in this situation?

Anyway. Tyler takes a large gulp of coffee, makes a face, & tells his mom the grain must be bad. His mom heaves an audible sigh of relief. Then Tyler leaves, informing his mother that Caroline is not a prostitute. Which is sort of like standing up for her.

When he's gone, Tyler's mom phones someone called Bill, & tells him she's gotten herself into a bit of a vampire situation.

We now go to Mystic Grill, the only eatery in town, where Matt ups the topless male count this episode to two. Only two? I suppose we're only seven minutes in.

Life Lesson #2: American boys are all thin, white & ridiculously muscled. It must be true if it's in The Vampire Diaries.

Jeremy wants to talk to Matt about the conversation they had last night, but Matt says the whole night was kind of a blur. Remember, they were going wild & smoked a joint! Then they had a heart-to-heart while giggling & eating ice-cream, because, remember, wild! He wants to talk to Matt about it & not his Good Witch Girlfriend Bonnie because he's worried what she mightn't like to know that since she brought him back from the dead he's been seeing the ghosts of his dead vampire ex-girlfriends. Which is kind of understandable.

Jeremy has Googled ghosts & shows Matt a pristine manilla folder of printed out information, because teenage boys totally do that in real life. He wants to make contact with Vicky's ghost.

Matt is reluctant at first, & thinks that Jeremy is messing with him, but they call each other "man" a few times & Matt comes around.

Meanwhile, detective Elena is continuing her rounds. Now, she's quizzing Tyler about werewolf behaviour. Tyler explains that when it's his time of the month, he chains himself up in his basement (kinky!) but says that not all werewolves are into bondage, & they prefer to roam wild & free in deserts or state parks or mountains like the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee, for example, which he shows Elena on Google Maps on her iPhone.

Life Lesson #3: Werewolves these days are so tech-savvy.

At the other end of the bar, Alaric is drinking coffee. (Hold on a second, you mean they're not at Mystic Grill? You mean there's another place to hang out in Mystic Falls? It's a veritable metropolis now!) Elena comes over to him & proposes they go on a hike. Alaric can't believe that she wants to go chasing after a pack of werewolves on the full moon. Elena insists that they'll be well out of the Smoky Mountains by the time the moon is full, which of course they totally will...

Life Lesson #4: When you're chasing werewolves, there'll always be a full moon. And no, you won't get out of the mountains before it rises.

Alaric sighs (Sigh Count: 4). This time, I don't blame him.

Back in the Brokeback Smoky Mountains, Dead Flannel Werewolf has dramatically come back to life! Stefan faces the festival-goers werewolf pack & asks if any of them are human.

Life Lesson #5 Never admit to being human.

Klaus tells About To Be An Important Character werewolf girl that her options are a) join him, or b) die, & she says she'd rather b) than be a vampire.

Life Lesson #6: Never say you'd rather die than do something. It'll always end badly.

In this case, it ends with Klaus forcing her to drink his blood & then killing her & telling the other werewolves that she'll thank him for that later. Cause that's just the kind of swell fella Klaus is.

Back in our favourite eatery, Tyler is playing pool & Matt is serving him coffee. Tyler is a little concerned because he hasn't heard from Caroline all day, but Matt doesn't want to talk to him because Caroline's his ex & he doesn't like that she & Tyler are friends. Good thing he doesn't know about the horny vampire-werewolf sexual relations. Still, Matt is a Nice Guy & remembers that tonight is the full moon -

Life Lesson #7: Everyone in America automatically knows when it's the full moon.

- & that Caroline usually helps Tyler with his furry little problem on a full moon. Matt awkwardly offers to help Tyler himself but Tyler's a big werewolf now & says he can handle it. He also says the coffee tastes horrible & Matt explains that the sheriff makes him slip vervain into all the drinks every now & again. Tyler is shocked to discover that this is what vervain tastes like. He's realised that his mother put vervain in his coffee this morning!

We cut straight back to Tyler's house where his mom is entertaining the mysterious Bill. She pours herself another brandy & explains that she doesn't want to get her hands dirty but Bill reminds her that Caroline is a vampire now & Tyler's mom has gotta do what she's gotta do.

Back in the Big Rocky Candy Smoky Mountains we discover that Alaric & Elena made it to Tennessee in record time, because America is a tiny place. We also discover that Alaric is a boy scout turned vampire hunter turned whiskey-drinking Lost Cause. (Sigh Count: 4) If he weren't so emo, Alaric'd be pretty awesome. I mean, check out his Slayers Backpack:

Alaric gives Elena a wolfsbane grenade & Elena gives Alaric her dead biological father's ring (Sigh Count: 5) that used to belong to Alaric too somehow, & that will protect him from anything supernatural. I'm sorry, but magical Supernatural Protection Rings are just a cop-out. Also, they're ugly.

We also learn that Supernatural Protection Rings don't work on Elena because she's a doppelgänger (long story, one that'll probably come up again at a later date but I don't think we need to worry about it for this episode) which is also a cop-out.

Then, suddenly, Damon appears & throws Elena into the lake. Like a boss.

Good thing she was already changed into her bathing suit. (Why was she wearing a bathing suit to chase down some werewolves? We may never know.) Elena is Very Angry that Alaric sold her out to Damon but Alaric thinks she was crazy to believe he'd take her into a mountain range to chase werewolves on a full moon without backup. Also, he & Damon are now bros.

Meanwhile, Klaus & Too-Cool-For-School Stefan have infected & killed all the werewolves so that they can come back to life as hybrids. The hapless human they identified earlier is still alive - just about - but won't be when all the werewolf-vampire hybrids (Vampolfs? Werepires?) wake up craving blood. Every time one of them drains him Klaus uses his magical blood to bring the human back to life to be drained by the next werepire. Which is actually pretty creepy, well done again Vampire Diaries.

Klaus & Stefan chat about Klaus's Master Plan to create an army of werepire soldiers while Flannel Werepire completes his transformation. But look, something's wrong! Flannel Werepire is bleeding from his eyes! This wasn't part of the plan!

Life Lesson #8: That's never part of the plan.

Back at the other side of the forest, Elena is refusing to get out of the water because she knows when she does Damon will make her go home. Because Damon loves treating women like they're children. Instead, Damon wades into the water with her & tells her that she's being stupid because Klaus thinks she died when the curse was broken last season so just walking up to him in the middle of the mountains might be a tad unwise. Elena doesn't care - she hasn't been this close to Stefan since he left & she's not leaving without him. Damon is swayed by Elena's wet hair & bathing-suited proximity & agrees to find to Stefan before the full moon comes up. Because that's totally how it's going to happen.

At the werewolf camp, Flannel Werepire is still crying blood & the other hybrids are beginning to wake up. Suddenly, Flannel Werepire jumps up & runs away through the trees! He parcours over rocks! He bounds between trees! He turns somersaults! He's a veritable circus act! Stefan runs after him & tackles him to the ground, but Flannel Werepire bites his arm! Remember, werewolf bites are fatal to vampires! Exclamation marks!

Stefan's about to run after him when his Super-Sensitive Vampire Ears pick up the sweet sweet sound of Damon & Elena bickering. He sees them across the hill through the trees & looks particularly tortured for a while until Klaus comes up behind him & he rapidly switches back to regularly tortured.

Stefan quickly leads Klaus away from the hillside & tells him Flannel Werepire got away. But Klaus says he won't heal Stefan's werewolf bite with his Magic Hybrid Blood until Stefan finds the werepire & brings him back. In the camp, all the new werepires are now crying blood. See Life Lesson #8.

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler confronts his mom about the vervain-laced coffee. She admits she knows that Carloline's a vampire but won't tell Tyler where she is. She tells him he can't be with Caroline because she's a monster but she doesn't know that Tyler is a monster too!

Meanwhile in the Forbidden Smoky Mountains, the sun is about to set & our vampire-hunting trio are still in the forest, because of course. A figure emerges from between the trees, & it's Flannel Werepire, because of course. He attacks Damon, because of course. Elena throws Damon the wolfsbane grenade & Damon wolfsbanes Flannel Werepire's face off. Poor Flannel Werepire, he didn't ask for any of this.

Back in Mystic Falls, Matt is showing Jeremy Vicky's old stuff in his attic. They're looking for personal items to communicate with Vicky's ghost. Matt finds a picture of him & Vicky as kids & gets upset & bails on Jeremy's ghosthunt & asks him to leave. Jeremy shuts the door behind him & the attic gets real dark. You can tell the ghosts are coming because of the eerie music, & the fact that the photo Matt put face-down on a chest is now standing up again. That's generally a dead giveaway. (Gettit, dead giveaway? I'll go stand over here now.)

In the mountains, the trio have tied poor Flannel Werepire to a tree. They've used all their vervain on the ropes, which is definitely not going to come back to haunt them. Suddenly, Flannel Werepire begins to change! But it's still daylight! The ropes will never hold the wolf! Elena finally sees sense & says that they need to get out of these mountains - now!

Back at Base Camp Werepire, the new hybrids are all looking a lot like zombies. Nearby, the vampire hunting trio are finally running away, but Elena trips & falls.

Life Lesson #9: When running away, girls always trip & fall.

Damon yells at her not to move; she looks up & there's a CGI wolf right in front of her face! Don't you just hate it when that happens?

Damon calls the doggie's attention & runs away as fast as his super-fast vampire legs can carry him, to lure the wolf away from Elena. Unfortunately, now that means that Elena & Alaric are down a vampire. Elena wants to go back & help Damon but Alaric yells at her & they wisely continue their running away. Chekov's Moon rises.

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler is bringing his mom down into his kinky werewolf bondage dungeon. As you do. He locks her in a cage (for her own protection, of course) & he ties himself up just in time to start changing & show his mom what kind of monster he really is.

In the Misty Smoky Mountains, Damon is fighting with Flannel Werepire & trying very hard not to get bitten. Just as the werepire is about to sink his teeth into Damon's neck, Stefan appears! He clobbers the werepire on the back of the head with a rock - how would that even work? - oh, no, that's not a rock, & he didn't clobber him & that wasn't the back of his head. He totally just ripped his heart out with his bare hands. Nice.

Okay, I have to admit this is pretty cool.

Damon calmly says "fancy meeting you here" by way of thanks & Stefan gives out to him for continuing to follow him. Damon tells him that if he doesn't want to be followed she should stop crank-calling his girlfriend in the middle of the night. Fair enough, Damon. Stefan says that Elena needs to forget about him because he's never coming home (yeah, right) & charges Damon with keeping Elena there. Because there's nothing like conspiring with your brother to watch over the woman you love's every move.

Said woman is currently waiting in a car with Alaric, voicing her frustration at having to wait in a car. Also, is a parked car really the safest place to wait? Can't hybrid werepires break through steel? Ignoring this, Elena & Alaric have a heart to heart about Being Lost & not having a family & needing to stick together. Yawn. (Sigh Count: I'm not gonna lie, I lost count after 5.) Finally Damon reappears & manhandles Elena back into the car when she comes out to make sure he's okay. Stefan watches from the top of the hill with a vaguely tortured expression. Stefan's expressions range from vaguely tortured to especially tortured but don't seem to stray from the tortured spectrum.

Elena thinks she sees something up on the hilltop but by the time the camera pans back, Stefan is gone. Elena is Very Sad. It's like tortured, but for humans. Tortured Lite.

Back in Mystic Falls, Matt calls to Jeremy's house to apologise for having bailed on the ghost hunt. He brings over some beers & a bag full of Vicky's personal stuff. They talk about not remembering their last moments with Vicky & suddenly Vicky's right there behind them. Matt can neither see nor hear her & asks Jeremy to translate her ghost-speak but Jeremy doesn't know quite how to tell him his sister believes they can help her return from the dead. Again.

Life Lesson #10: Nobody. Ever. Stays. Dead.

Suddenly, a window smashes! And Anna appears! And she tells Jeremy not to trust Vicky! Whatever will happen next?

Next, we cut back to the forest, where Stefan returns to Klaus with a twice-dead Flannel Werepire over his shoulders. His werewolf bite stings something fierce. Klaus is upset because his werepire army is all dead. I guess that werewolf girl wasn't About To Be An Important Character after all. I guess there are no male characters left for her to be the love interest of. Klaus smashes some beer bottles & yells at the sky, because that's what werepires do when they're upset. He runs through all the things he was told to do to be able to turn werewolves into werepires & realises that the only thing that could've gone wrong is if he hadn't properly killed the doppelgänger. (Silly Klaus, don't you know by now that nobody actually dies in this show?) Uh oh, now Klaus knows that Elena is still alive! Will he refuse to heal Stefan's werewolf bite? For a moment it looks like will... but then he tears a chunk out of his hand & bleeds into a bottle of Bud & hands it to Stefan. Stay classy, Klaus.

And now it's time for another Deep & Meaningful emo pop song closing scene!

In this week's scene the song is about there not being anyone around & not hearing a sound & Stefan downs the beer bottle of blood & follows Klaus through the corpse-strewn camp ground. Cut to Elena's house where Damon is brooding by the curtains & the song is about not knowing where the world is & missing you now. He tells Elena that she was right & Tortured Stefan hasn't been lost to his vertical-haired alter-ego. He says Stefan can be saved because he didn't let Damon die & the song is about being on the edge & screaming your name. Damon confronts Elena about having uncharacteristically let him lead her away from the forest that night despite not having found Stefan & she confesses that she did it because she didn't want to see him get hurt. She asks why he needs her to say that she worries about him & Damon takes her face in his hands & tells her that when he brings his brother back he wants her to remember everything she felt while he was gone. They stare into each other's eyes & the song is about shadows & just wanting to feel alive. Alaric comes up the stairs with a suitcase to move into an actual bedroom this time & witnesses the sexual tension. He asks Elena if she knows what she's doing & she says that no, she doesn't, & the song is all about echoes.

Cut to Tyler's werewolf bondage room where he wakes up naked & his mom is watching him from the floor of the cage (which isn't creepy at all) & she tells him she'll take care of it & will make sure nothing happens to Caroline & the song goes all instrumental because this is a Very Touching Moment.

Then we fade out to this week's post-emo-pop-song-dramatic-montage cliffhanger scene. Tyler's mom has called Bill to entreat him to let Caroline go & to suggest that maybe they've been wrong about vampires simply being monsters, but he's having none of it because his family have been hunting vampires for 150 years. He hangs up on her & she puts her head in her hands.

Cut to a cell somewhere where Caroline is waking up chained to a chair. She calls out for Tyler's mom but there's nobody there. Suddenly, she hears a sound. Someone's coming! She gets scared. A Dark Figure approaches. The cell door opens & Bill steps inside. The dramatic music builds & builds & builds until Caroline looks up & says: "Daddy?"

Dun dun dunnnnn...