I'm a couple days late
with this because I was busy fetching a rescue kitten & assorted
kitten paraphernalia with my family-in-law for my sister-in-law's
birthday (I realise I'm not married yet, but it's much easier to say
"sister-in-law" than "my friend & ex-housemate who
is also my fiancé’s older brother's girlfriend") but fear
not, if by some chance or unfortunate trick of fate you didn't see
the first episode of the new series of The Vampire Diaries
last Thursday, boy are you in for a treat. I have recapped the entire
episode in all its glory just so you don't have to watch it! See how
nice I am?
Previously on The
Vampire Diaries: Elena is the main character! Stefan & Damon are
vampire brothers! They are both in love with her! Damon is Crazy &
Impulsive; he's the Bad Boy with a heart of gold! Stefan mostly mopes.
Klaus is the bad guy!
He's a vampire born of werewolf blood! Werewolf bites are fatal to
vampires but Caroline (who is a blond vampire & Elena's friend)
is totally dating a werewolf! This one time, a werewolf bit Damon &
he would've died but Klaus's blood is the antidote to werewolf bites & he let Damon have some on the condition that Stefan leave home
& come with him on his Evil Mission to create an army of
vampire-werewolf hybrids! Are you confused yet? No? Okay, let's go!
Cliché count #1:
horror film opening scene cliché! It's night. Scantily-Clad Blonde
Girl's dog hasn't come home. She looks for him in the garden,
complaining of the heat. ("See, feminist viewers? That's why I'm
scantily clad. You would be too if you lived in this town. Don't be
so quick to judge.") A tall, dark, handsome stranger approaches
her. His car broke down a few miles away. His phone battery is dead.
He needs to call a garage.
Okay. Let's revisit
some of the previous Life Lessons we learned in the last two seasons.
Life Lesson #1: If someone asks to be invited into your house, they
are a vampire. Don't let them in.
Thankfully,
Scantily-Clad With Good Reason Blonde Girl (whose handle is getting a
bit long at this point) reads this blog, & has taken my lessons
to heart. Also, she's from Florida. Country people are trusting;
people from Florida know the score.
Life Lessons from
Florida Girl: If a stranger says his car has broken down & his
cell phone's out of battery & he asks to use your phone, don't
let him in the house, bring the phone out to him instead. He's only
saying he's not a serial killer because he's a vampire.
Unfortunately, vampires have magic mesmerising eyes & you're
going to end up inviting him into your house anyway where he will
threaten you & your housemate until you tell him where your
often-absent werewolf housemate is & then he'll get his friend to
kill you both. Kinda makes you wonder why he even bothered with the
car-breaking-down story in the first place.
Life Lesson #3: If it's
nighttime & your dog hasn't come home yet, just leave him
outside. He can come back inside in the morning.
The friend I mentioned
in the last paragraph is none other than our favourite tortured
teenage vampire, the mopey-eyed, vertical-haired Stefan Salvatore! In
this season, Stefan is evil. You can tell the second he walks in the
door because his hair is more vertical than it was last season &
he looks more constipated than mopey.
He's like a cross between Jedward & Edward Cullen.
You can also tell he's
evil because he's running around with Evil English Klaus &
killing innocent girls. But it's mostly the hair.
One thing I like about
this show is that it doesn't have a theme tune or an opening
sequence. You just get the title on the screen, dripping a few drops
of blood in case you didn't understand what "vampire"
means, & then it's right back into the action with a nice,
popular indie/emo song.
In this scene, we
reconnect with our main character, Elena, & her little brother
Jeremy as they wake up & set about their days, staring mournfully
into the distance at regular intervals to remind us that they may
seem like normal teenagers but they're Been Through A Lot.
Caroline the
Once-Annoying, who is now a vampire like all the other vampires
walking about in sunlight, meeting up with their werewolf boyfriends,
shopping & talking to their bffs on the phone, fills Elena in on
all the local "animal attack" deaths that may be the
handiwork of her boyfriend. Most importantly, though, she's planning
her a party. It's a birthday party. It's her birthday party. Happy
birthday darling. We love you very very very very very very very
much. </Bright Eyes reference - hey, it seemed fitting>
Elena & Alaric (her
history teacher come now-dead-vampire-aunt's boyfriend, who has been
living on her couch all summer) talk about the possibility of Stefan
being dead vs being with Klaus & killing people left right &
centre, & Alaric wishes Elena a happy birthday & Elena heads
out. We know it's not going to be a happy birthday, after the first
part of the conversation.
Meanwhile, Damon is lying in a bubble bath, drinking
champagne. Because Damon knows what being a vampire's really about.
He finishes the bottle & tells his compelled journalist
girlfriend to get him more. She tells him he can get it himself
because she's not his slave, which is funny because as she's being
magically mesmerised to be with him against her will, she kind of is.
But Damon fetches his own champagne, because there's only room for
one Bad Boy vampire in this series, & his brother's vertical hair
has currently got that covered.
Cliché count #2:
Rom-com cliché! Elena comes in & bumps into Damon, who is naked
but for bubble-bath suds! She covers her eyes & throws him a
towel & he smirks & I should make a list of films in which
the
accidentally-walking-in-on-someone-naked-because-they-can't-be-bothered-with-towels-after-showers
trope features. Does that even happen in real life? If it has
happened to you, please, share your stories! And next time you get
out of the shower, put on a towel.
In this scene, we learn
that Stefan's been AWOL for two months, & that the Sheriff has given
Elena & Damon all the leads she can but they've all been dead
ends. We also learn that Ian Somerhalder still does that weird thing
with his eyes that I think means he's trying to look sincere.
Back in town, Jeremy is
at work at Mystic Grill, which is apparently the only eatery in town
& also the only place any of the characters ever work. He's
having a video call with his Good Witch Girlfriend, Elena's best
friend Bonnie. She makes the mistake of telling him that a summer job
is good for him because he needs some normal in his life.
Life Lesson #4:
Supernatural creatures all have an inbuilt sensor that can pick up
phrases like "you need a bit of normal in your life" or
"it's a good thing everything's back to normal now" spoken
at any volume within a fifty mile radius.
The lights in the stock
room flash: a ghost approaches! It's Jeremy's
Drugged-Up-Party-Girl-Turned-Vampire now-staked ex-girlfriend, Vicky!
But in another flash of stock room light, she's gone. Jeremy is
understandably shaken. He bends down to pick up another box when his
other staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriend, Anna, appears! She
reaches out to touch him but at that very moment Matt (for those who
don't remember, Matt is Vampire Caroline's ex &
Vampire-Turned-Ghost Vicky's brother) appears to call him to wait
tables. Phew!
Life Lesson #5: Avoid
dating too many dead vampire chicks. They'll invariably come back to
haunt you.
Caroline & Werewolf
Tyler (who used to be a jock jerk who slept with Matt's mother but is
now a Nice Guy because it turns out he wasn't really being a jerk
because he was a werewolf all along, which totally makes sense) are
having lunch at Mystic Grill, because there's nowhere else to eat in
this town. They're not actually boyfriend & girlfriend (yet) but
their parents think they are & secretly they totally want to be.
Meanwhile, in a bar in
another small town, Klaus has found his werewolf. You can tell he's a
werewolf because he has facial hair & is wearing a check shirt. Stefan shows the werewolf how badass he is by ordering Scotch on the rocks & threatening him with a wolfsbane drinking game.
The following day,
Alaric & Damon arrive at Scantily-clad-but-now-dead Blond Girl's
beautiful white house.
Seriously, isn't it
just beautiful? Damon doesn't want Elena to know they're following
leads but Alaric doesn't like keeping things secret, which is
understandable seen how well keeping secrets worked for him last
season.
Inside the beautiful
white house, things are quiet... Too quiet. The dead girls are
sitting on the couch, covered in blood, & Damon recognises their
deaths as Stefan's handiwork because they are torn apart limb from
limb & put neatly back together, & "there's a reason he
used to be called the Ripper." Not cool, Vampire Diaries.
You do not steal Rupert Giles' nickname for a stupid mopey vampire.
Shame on you!
Back in Mystic Falls,
Elena knows Damon's holding out on her. (For leads on Stefan, don't
be dirty!) Tyler thinks Damon doesn't want to find his brother
because he's in love with Elena & that his head's a bit messed up
because Elena kissed him that one time when she thought he was going
to die. Elena doesn't like Tyler's hypothesis.
Uh-oh, Caroline isn't
happy because Tyler's bringing a date to the party. Slutty Sophie is
the name of his date, but he doesn't mind Caroline calling her that
because he's only taking her because it's been "kinda slow in
that department lately" & because he's a werewolf now he's
horny all the time. Poor Sophie's really got herself a great guy
there.
But Caroline's horny
too! She tells Tyler it's a Vampire Thing & he explains that his
horniness is a Werewolf Thing & yay bonding over mutual horniness
that leads to unresolved sexual tension!
Back at the Pretty
White House Alaric & Damon are burning the evidence of Stefan's
crimes (Nooo! Not the Pretty White House!) where they discover a
Secret Werewolf Trapdoor. Now they know why Stefan & Klaus were
snooping about!
Meanwhile, in the bar
in the other small town, the evil duo are torturing the werewolf, by
using him as a dartboard, for information on his pack. The other
occupants of the bar are compelled not to notice the blood &
screams, & seeing them go about their evening in the background
is actually pretty creepy. Well done, Vampire Diaries!
Klaus knows that Damon's on their trail & wants to kill him, but
Stefan would prefer go himself & make sure his brother doesn't
bother them again. See, he's still a good guy underneath the evil
hair!
In
Mystic Falls, Elena is getting dressed for the party & being sad.
Damon gives Elena a necklace she thought she'd lost to go with the
dress. This makes her a bit happier.
Cliché
count #3: Romance cliché! Man gives a necklace to the woman he
loves; she brushes aside her hair & asks him to tie it for her.
In romance films, girls don't know how to tie their own necklaces.
Cliché
count #4: High School film cliché! Good Girl's best friend throws her a
party & says "of course" when Good Girl asks that it be
a small party. Resulting party is a kegger!
Yay
drunk extras! True story: I was once a drunk extra in a TV show. It
was a lot of fun. You have to dance to no music & take off your
shoes in case the boom mic picks up the noise of your heels.
Jeremy
& Matt are out of control! You can tell because they're lighting
up a joint. They commiserate over their hard lives. Jeremy wins the
Dramatic Life Story award by virtue of seeing dead girlfriends.
Meanwhile,
in the news studio, Damon's compelled girlfriend is on the phone. You
can tell she works in TV because she says things like "can we do
this in the AM? I have a party to go to." She is the last person
leaving & almost all the lights are out. Do you think it may be
time for a cliché?
Cliché
count #5: Horror movie cliché! Blond Woman is the last person left
in the building! Almost all the lights are out. It's up to her to
lock up. Suddenly, a light turns on! She says "hello?"
about twelve times. She asks who's there. She says it's not
cool/funny when no one answers. She begins to get scared. She hears
footsteps. She says "hello?" a few more times. Suddenly,
she starts to run. She falls over. A Dark Figure approaches...
It
would appear that Stefan's method of getting his brother out of his
hair is by going after his girlfriend. Because that's original.
Back
at the keg party, Caroline is drinking rum from the bottle &
watching Tyler dance with Slutty Sophie. When they come up to her,
Caroline compels Sophie to leave the party & Tyler pretends not
to understand why.
Damon
gets a call from his "fake compelled girlfriend" (Alaric's
words this time, not mine) & goes to rescue her. Elena &
Caroline are both hiding in Damon's bedroom - Caroline because she
needs a baggie of human blood & Elena because she's too busy
being sad to party. She's Super Sad because everyone just wants her
to get on with her life & eat birthday cake & stuff & she
just wants to find her homicidal moping boyfriend. That's when she
finds Damon's Secret Stash of Clues! She figures out that Damon's
been tracking Stefan without her!
Meanwhile,
the Damon in question arrives at the news studio to find his fake
compelled girlfriend & finds his brother instead. Stefan wants
Damon to let him go & when Damon says he can't do that because of
Elena, Stefan compels Damon's now twice-compelled girlfriend to jump
off the light rigging to her death. Stefan thinks this is kinda cool.
Now, we all know that vampire blood has Super Healing Powers &
that it has brought at least six characters back from the dead so
far, but Fake Compelled Girlfriend isn't an important enough
character for this to even cross Damon's mind. Instead, he bends over
her body & looks slightly put out as dramatic music plays.
Back
at the party, Matt & Jeremy are getting ready to drive home. If
there's one thing I've learned from watching shows like Gilmore Girls
& The Vampire Diaries it's that Americans all drink & drive.
Maybe this is true. I don't know. I do know that neither of these
kids is in a fit state to drive home.
Jeremy
gets into his car & the ghost of his ex-girlfriend appears in the
passenger seat. See, way too stoned to drive. Vicky wants Jeremy to
help him but she disappears before telling him how or why, as Matt
decides to take Jeremy up on the offer to drive him home. When Jeremy
turns on his headlights, however, Ghost Anna appears right in front
of his car. Matt can't see the dead vampire & asks Jeremy what's
wrong, which prompts him to do the right thing & decide to walk
home. That's a good, responsible, underage drink-driver right there.
Inside
the house, the party's still going & Caroline's still mad at
Tyler who's still pretending not to know why. That is, until he
confronts her about it & they end up kissing as hungrily as only
a horny vampire & a horny werewolf can. Which is to say like any
normal teenager, really.
Damon returns home &
goes straight to his bedroom where an annoyed Elena waves his Secret
Stash of Clues in his face & gives out to him from keeping things
from her. Damon finally cracks & tells her that Stefan's a
ripping killing machine & that she's an idiot for thinking he'd
ever come home. This scene is mostly comprised of that weird eye
thing that Ian Somerhalder does. It's really very distracting.
At Jeremy & Elena's
house, Jeremy & Matt have the munchies. Because, remember, they
smoked a joint because they are so out of control. It's important to
remember these things. Their giggles dissipate when Jeremy tells Matt
he's been seeing the ghost of his dead vampire sister. In fairness,
that'd put a dampener on most evenings. Matt doesn't buy the whole
ghost business (because you know, witches & werewolves & vampires are fine,
but you have to draw the line somewhere) & thinks Jeremy just
misses Vicky. Jeremy humours him & lets him leave with the ice
cream.
Back in the bar in the
small town far far away, Klaus is still torturing the plaid-wearing
werewolf. He forces him to drink his blood, then slits his throat.
Stefen returns, still pretending to be Angel in season two of Buffy &
failing miserably. Klaus knows that no matter how high Stefan's hair
gets, he still cares for his brother & for his old life, & he
advises Stefan to drink more human blood, because it makes it easier
for him to let go of his emotions. Stefan mostly looks into the
middle distance trying to look tortured.
The final scene in
every Vampire Diaries episode is brought to us by today's favourite
emo pop song. It plays dramatically as the scene cuts dramatically
between all the main characters doing dramatic things. The lyrics are
always Deep & Meaningful. In this week's scene the song seems to
be about drops in the ocean & not being able to sleep &
Alaric is packing because he's not a role model for Elena &
Jeremy. Also his dead vampire girlfriend's face is all over the
house. Cut to Caroline's house, where she & Tyler engage in horny
werewolf-vampire sexual relations & the song talks about ending
up together & holding you closer. Cut to Damon's house, where
Damon is trashing the place, because that's what proper vampires do
when they're sad, & the song lyrics are more or less drowned out
by the smashing. Cut to the small town far far away where Stefan
storms out of the bar & looks tortured while the song says
something about rain in a desert & someone being someone else's
heaven, then he takes a baggie of human blood out of his back pocket
pocket. Cut back to Elena's house where she picks up her birthday
card (see Elena, we told you it wouldn't be a happy birthday) &
looks at it sadly & the song now seems to be about god &
trusting old friends. Stefan calls Elena's phone from a new cell &
doesn't say anything when she answers. She guesses that the unknown
caller phoning her in the middle of the night is her homicidal
vampire boyfriend & tells him he's going to be okay as he makes
duck lips at his phone which I think means he's upset. Or tortured.
If in doubt about any of Stefan's emotions, it's usually safe enough
to assume he's feeling tortured.
Elena whispers to Stefan that she
loves him, & that he should never let that go. And the song tells
us that you are my heaven.
But wait! We thought
this was the end & that the credits would begin to roll but no!
There is another scene! This is the typical Vampire Diaries
post-emo-pop-song-dramatic-montage cliffhanger scene. Darn, just when we thought it was over. In this scene,
Caroline wakes up next to Tyler & sneaks downstairs while he's
still asleep but runs into his mother in the hall. Awkward... She
goes to get her purse but it somehow burns her hand! And then Mrs Lockwood
shoots her in the back! Whatever will happen next? Find out in next
week's episode of The Vampire Diaries!
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