This week's Vampire
Diaries recap is late because
I'm just back from Mayo where there is no internet. (True story:
there is no internet in the whole of Mayo.) But without further
ado...
Previously, on The
Vampire Diaries:
Elena
& Katherine are identical! But they're not related! They're
doppelgängers, & Evil English Klaus, who is evil, & English,
has to kill a doppelgänger to break an ancient curse! He thinks he's
killed Elena but she's still alive! So he doesn't know what's gone
wrong! The only way he can get what he wants is by contacting the
Original Witch! But, as the name suggests, she's been dead for
centuries! And the only way he can get in contact with the Original
Witch is by a Magical Witchy Necklace that used to be hers! Where
could this necklace be? Elena, who is the Good Doppelgänger, has it!
And Klaus doesn't know it! But wait! Katherine, who is the Evil
Doppelgänger, has stolen the necklace! And now she wants to take
Damon on a road trip!
Damon
& Stefan are vampire brothers! They are both in love with Elena!
And Katherine is in love with both of them! But mostly she just loves
herself! Stefan used to be the Good Brother & Damon was the Bad
Brother, but now Stefan has joined Evil English Klaus & has
become a Ripping Killing Off-the-Rails Machine! He even told Elena he
doesn't love her any more! But he's just pretending that he doesn't
care to keep her safe! And he's the one who gave her the necklace!
But now Katherine has it!
Klaus
has a sister! Her name is Rebecca! She's an Original Vampire too!
Stefan used to be friends with them back in the 20s & he
discovered that they were on the run from someone! That someone is a
vampire hunter called Michael! Here's what he looks like:
Flashbacks
are helpful Bad Guy identifiers. Stefan made the mistake of asking
Rebecca about Michael & now the Evil Siblings know he's not on
their side! And Klaus wants to know what it is he's been hiding! So
he brings him back to Mystic Falls! Which is where Elena lives! This
is Very Bad News!
Currently,
on The Vampire Diaries,
it's time for a cliché! It's a horror movie cliché! It's an empty
high school! It's my favourite
horror movie cliché! I can tell this is going to be an awesome
episode.
The
halls are empty! The classrooms are empty! There's a weird clanking
sound echoing through the school! It turns out to be Matt, the
Sensitive Blond Jock! He's working out after class, because there
totally wouldn't be an insurance issue with letting a student use
those heavy exercise machines in a completely empty building.
Suddenly, he hears a noise! Eerie music begins to play. He steps out
of the gym into the empty corridor. Something ghostlike brushes past
him! And because this is a horror movie cliché, instead of running
screaming from the school as fast as his Sensitive Jock Legs can
carry him, he goes towards the ghostly sound! The music intensifies!
He follows the screechy-violin music into a dark classroom, where he
turns on the light &...
Sets
off a floor-full of mousetraps set by his friends because they're
preparing for Senior Prank Night! Oh shucks you guys! Matt is not
impressed. He'd forgotten all about Senior Prank Night, but gets
roped into it anyway, by Caroline, the Bossy Blond Vampire. Also, I
suspect they need him to fill the Token Human spot on the team.
(Left
to right: Caroline the Bimbo Turned Bossy Blond Vampire, Tyler the
Jock-Jerk Turned Nice-Guy Werewolf, Elena the Good Doppelganger, &
Bonnie the Good Witch.)
Our
gang of lovable misfits are now in Senior Year! They've been Through
A Lot! But they've made it! So now it's time for them to make
memories that'll last them the rest of their lives, by supergluing
teachers' desks shut. Suddenly the school is well-lit & full of
students having a lark & some high jinx. Elena is Very Happy.
Until
she walks into one of the school's only remaining badly-lit
corridors, & you know by the fact that the camera's close to her
face & the Lark-&-Some-High-Jinx music has stopped that
something bad's about to happen.
That
something bad is Klaus! Oh no!
Today's
opening scene music is too cool for school! It's Super-Cool Road Trip
Music! Know why? Cause Damon & Katherine, the king & queen of
Too Cool For School, are on a road trip! Damon is board &
Katherine is flirty. I think that's all I really need to say about
any scene that contains the two of them. The rest is just banter.
In
Mystic Falls, Stefan wakes refreshed from a night of being tortured
by Klaus. Rebecca, who is guarding him, knows that he knows that
Klaus knows that... hold on, I've lost track. Anyway, Rebecca says
Klaus is ripping Elena the Cow's Bloody Head off! Stefan plays it
totally nonchalant & badass until...
He
slams Rebecca to the ground! (Maybe the dramatic music made him do
it.) But Rebecca is jealous! And way, way stronger than Stefan.
Vampire fights make the most sickening bone-crunchy noises. It's
awesome. Also, Stefan ends up impaled on a metal pole.
Life
Lesson #1: Never make a vampire woman jealous.
Back
at the high school, Klaus is dragging Elena angrily through the
corridors, talking at her about his plan & why it didn't work &
what he's going to do now (make sure she can still break the curse &
then kill her, but first make her suffer a lot) in typical Bad Guy
fashion.
Life
Lesson #2: Bad Guys really do like to talk.
It's
pop-rock music time! This really is a high school episode! It's like
something out of Ten Things I Hate About You,
which may well be the greatest teen movie ever. In the gym, those
whacky seniors are constructing some sort of elaborate prank
involving hundreds of paper cups. But what's this? Klaus storms into
the hall, puts on an American accent & tells the kids to leave!
All except two poor souls who get singled out to be compelled.
So,
Klaus does the creepy compulsion thing really well. Today, he compels
a girl to stand on one leg, & tells her guy friend that if she
touches that leg to the ground he is to beat her to death. It's
always the compulsion scenes I find genuinely creepy. That probably
says something about my problems with authority.
Far
far away, we rejoin the roadtrip, which has paused momentarily since
Damon's stopped the car & thrown away the keys. He demands
to know what Katherine's up to! He would never have left town with
her so willingly otherwise! Katherine tells him she's stolen Elena's
necklace because Klaus wants it & she wants to stay two steps
ahead of her enemy, but she doesn't say why
Klaus wants it. Also, she's kidnapped Jeremy & stuffed him in the
trunk. Because nothing inspires a vampire's trust more than the
unconscious teenage brother of the woman he loves.
Back
in Mystic Falls, we're back in the high school! I've missed Mystic
Falls High! Also, I'm glad term's starting again because the second
chapter of my thesis, which I'm starting research on next week, is
all about high school! So recapping The Vampire Diaries
is totally study!
Anyway,
in the school, which is suddenly ill-lit & empty again, Caroline
& Tyler are having a Moment. Caroline wants everybody to be
happy, & she wants this school year to be the best one ever.
Life
Lesson #3: If you live in a town in which supernatural shit goes down
about every other day, don't say you want this to be the best year
ever, even if you're thinking it. You're totally going to jinx it.
Oh
look, here comes a jinx! It's Rebecca, & she knows who they are!
But who is she,
Caroline wants to know. Why, she's the New Girl, & she's got
fangs!
In
the pool room -
Life
Lesson #4: All American high schools have olympic-sized pools in
their gyms.
-
Bonnie & Matt are TPing the room & talking about Jeremy's
sightings of Vicky, Matt's dead sister who is also Jeremy's
Drugged-Up-Party-Girl Come Staked-Vampire-Turned-Ghost ex-girlfriend.
It's a complicated situation. Bonnie & Matt look back on the year
that's past, & muse on the fact that last summer they had no
problems except breakups & failing CPR & now Matt's feeling
really left out because his ex is dating a vampire, his friend's a
witch & his sister's a ghost & he's just a lowly human. Don't
worry Matt, it worked out okay for Xander! (Plus or minus an eye.)
He
goes off to get more toilet paper & there's no music, so you know
something bad's right around the next toilet stall...
I
don't think we need a cliché count for this one - this whole episode
is based on the high-school-inna-scary-movie trope.
Matt's
about to leave with his toilet paper when one of the bathroom stall
doors open! But he was just inside, & there was nobody there! The
Eerie Violins are back. (That'd be a great name for a band.) He goes
to check, & sees graffiti eulogising his dead sister. Then he
closes the stall door again & his sister's right behind him!
But
he can't hear her! But he might have felt her! It must be so
frustrating to be a ghost.
In
the gym, Girl Standing on One Leg is clearly no ballerina. She's
about to drop her leg when Bonnie & Matt come into the gym. Elena
shouts at them to leave but they're exactly who Klaus has been
waiting for! (Well, Bonnie is, no one cares about Matt cause he's
just a lowly human.) And then Rebecca drags Tyler in too, & Klaus
grabs him & explains his Evil Plan.
He
forces Tyler to drink some of his blood & tells the assembled (&
rather shocked) audience that every time he's tried to turn a
werewolf into a werepire hybrid the werewolf dies. So he tells Bonnie
she'd better find a way to reverse that, or else it's bye bye Tyler.
*Snap* goes Tyler's neck.
DRAMATIC
MUSIC!!!
On
the other side of town, Stefan wakes up - with difficulty - &
removes the large metal bar that's sticking through his chest.
Life
Lesson #5: Seriously. Never made a lady vampire jealous.
At
the gym, Rebecca's being jealous at Elena & Klaus has commanded
Bonnie to go fetch her Big Book o'Spells to make sure Tyler comes
back to life without bleeding from the eyeballs. Bonnie is worried
because the Original Witch spell is over a thousand years old &
her Big Book o'Spells doesn't go back that far. She used to be able
to contact the Ghosts of Witches Past but they conveniently cut her
off after she brought Jeremy back from the dead. I don't understand
their problem, I mean it's not like anyone ever stays dead in this
show. But Bonnie's figured something out! She may not be able to
contact the dead, but you know who can? Jeremy can!
You
know who else has figured this out? That's right, it's our favourite
scheming doppelgänger, Katherine! Katherine's old friend Pearl from
season two once said that she knew of a vampire who could kill Klaus,
but she neglected to share the rest of the information with anyone
but her teenage daughter, & now she's dead. And so is her teenage
daughter. Who is this teenage daughter, I hear those of you who
didn't watch season two ask? Why, it's none other than Jeremy's other
Staked-Vampire-Turned-Ghost Ex-Girlfriend, Anna! It's all coming
together so nicely!
Back
at the high school, Stefan seems to have had a change of heart. He
comes into the gym to ask Klaus's forgiveness & pledge himself to
him. Klaus, unsurprisingly, tells Stefan to kill the human couple, &
elbows Elena in the face when she protests.
Life
Lesson #6: Never say "he isn't going to hurt me" around an
Evil English Werepire. He'll take it as a challenge.
Stefan
completely forgets his pledge & turns on Klaus! He tells him
he'll do anything once Klaus doesn't hurt Elena! But Klaus doesn’t
believe him! Do we honestly blame him? So he compels Stefan to obey
him forever!
The
music gets so dramatic I can hardly stand it & Evil Compelled
Stefan -
-
kills those poor defenceless humans! Which is totally different &
more dramatic than all the times he killed poor defenceless humans
for Klaus without the
excuse of having been compelled to do it.
Meanwhile,
on a picnic bench somewhere in Road Trip County, Jeremy is talking to
Anna but she refuses to help Katherine. So Damon punches Jeremy,
which makes Anna a lot more willing to talk. She says that they're
looking for Michael the Vampire-Hunting Vampire, but that it'd be a
Very Bad Idea to wake him because he'd kill them all. Damon gets his
keys.
Back
in Mystic Falls, Rebecca's learning how to use mobile telephones.
Apparently holding the phone at arms length & making duck-lips is
just instinctive, even to a 1920s girl.
She's
definitely got the tapping-to-zoom thing down though, because after
going through Caroline's photos & pouting at the ones of Stefan &
Elena, she notices that Elena's necklace looks somehow familiar...
Rebecca
storms into the gym & demands to know where her necklace is!
Stefan looks up from his meal -
Life
Lesson #7: Even when compelled, vampires are messy eaters.
-
Rebecca shows Klaus Caroline's phone -
Life
Lesson #8: Evil English Werepires are also very good with
smartphones.
- &
she runs at Elena.
Life
Lesson #9: 1920s vampire women are very possessive & will rip
your throat out if they think you're lying about not having their
necklace any more.
Life
Lesson #10: When Original Vampires want to know something, they'll
play Good Cop Bad Cop.
Klaus
kindly asks a bleeding Elena where the necklace is, & when Elena
explains that Katherine stole it Klaus decides to make things more
fun by giving Bonnie twenty minutes to find the spell. If she fails,
he says, Stefan must kill Elena.
DRAMATIC
MUSIC ACCOMPANIED BY COUNTDOWN CLOCK!!!
Meanwhile,
Bonnie still can't get through to Jeremy & something's been
throwing Matt's clothes around the workout room! Matt follows a trail
of clothes (how many clothes does this boy have?)
to the pool room where he finds his car keys at the bottom of the
pool. Then Vicky appears behind him! But he can't hear her! So she
kicks one of his shoes into the pool! That sure gets his attention.
Then, she spots his phone lying on the ground.
Life
Lesson #11: Smartphones are the new ouiji boards.
Matt's
got a great idea! He knows Jeremy can see ghosts because Bonnie
brought him back from the dead, so Matt decides that if Bonnie brings
him back from the
dead, he'll see ghosts too! She doesn't even need to do magic, cause
she never failed CPR! Isn't that handy? I can't see any possible
problem with this plan!
Bonnie
rushes through the halls! The music is super dramatic! She plunges
into the pool & brings now-dead Matt back to the surface!
Back
in Road Trip County, Damon gets his phone back from Katherine &
sees a bunch of messages from Bonnie. He leaves Jeremy with Katherine
to get Anna to tell them more about Michael the Vampire-Hunting
Vampire, & he returns to Mystic Falls to save the day.
At
the high school, the CPR isn't working! Matt wakes up in a glowy blue
version of the pool room, where Vicky tells him to give Bonnie a
message before sending him back to life.
Life
Lesson #12: This is the Ultimate Life Lesson I've learned from The
Vampire Diaries. Everybody dies
horrible violent deaths, usually as teenagers. But, Life Lesson #12a:
Nobody, & I mean nobody, ever
stays dead.
In
the gym, Elena's trying to get Stefan to fight the compulsion &
just drink from her without killing her when the timer goes off but
Stefan shouts that now he is A RIPPER! And A RIPPER DOESN'T STOP!
A RIPPER is also a tortured soul, which is something that this scene really reminds us about, because this scene is all about how much A RIPPER loves Elena
& how she's the only reason he can't turn it all off & how
now that he's A RIPPER he's gone all Edward Cullen on us & hears
only the sweet sweet beat of her heart every time she speaks &
wants her blood (or should I say "blood") more than
anything & if he tastes even one drop of that sweet bloody nectar
she's dead.
DRAMATICEST
MUSIC OF ALL!!!
In
the science lab, Tyler's woken up. Rebecca kindly explains the
impending death situation to him. Oh hey, she's found the countdown
function on the iPhone! It took me like a week to figure my one out,
& I grew up in this century.
And
yes, I know it's not an iPhone, but it's pretty much the same thing.
Back
at the pool hall, Matt delivers Vicky's message to Bonnie, which is
from the Original Witch herself. As we all suspected, except,
apparently, for the characters of this show, Elena is the key. It's
because she survived that the curse wasn't broken, & it'll only
be broken if she dies. Matt says that Tyler's going to die, isn't he,
but Klaus, who's overheard the entire exchange, would like to beg to
differ.
Life
Lesson #13: When it comes to sensitive information that could get
your friends killed, it's best to whisper.
In
the gym, the countdown's almost up! Sixteen seconds to go! Stefan
implores Elena to run for it but Elena says Stefan must fight! She
declares her love for him! He makes this face:
She
tells him not to give up! But he can't hold it! He clings to the
bleachers! He rushes at her! He tells her to run! RUN!
MOST
DRAMATIC MUSIC OF ALL DRAMATIC MUSICS IN ALL THE WORLD!!!
Elena
races down the corridors! Stefan follows! He slams into lockers to
slow himself down! Elena runs! Stefan slams! Elena runs! Stefan
slams! Elena runs! Stefan slams! (This goes on for a while.) Elena
runs! And slams into Klaus!!! There aren't enough exclamation marks
for this scene!!!
And
they even throw in a cliché! God I love this show! Klaus says "we've
got to stop meeting like this" & we cut to Stefan, who's
made it to the cafeteria - but wait, what's he doing? He's breaking a
sweeping brush in half! Could it be? Is our broody tortured soul
going to stake himself? He raises the brush-stake &
stabs it through his stomach as Klaus & Elena crash into the
room! Klaus applauds Stefan's love for Elena, but he removes the
stake & tries to convince Stefan to turn off his humanity. Stefan
shoves Klaus & says "NO!!!!!!!!" (There were exactly
that many exclamation marks. I counted.)
Klaus
throws Stefan to the other side of the room & Super Compels him
as the DRAMATIC MUSIC swells & swells. Stefan's eyes roll back in
his head! His expression becomes even more vacant than
usual. Klaus
has won. He decides to test his victory by asking A RIPPER (somewhere,
Rupert Giles is crying) if he would like a nice drink from the
doppelgänger neck.
I
guess that's a yes.
DRAMATIC
MUSIC FADE TO BLACK!!!
In
the science lab, Tyler's dying. Klaus comes in with a test tube of
Elena's blood because he doesn't think that the Original Witch told
the truth. So instead of killing Elena, he wants Tyler to drink a bit
of her blood. Well, that's much better for all involved, now isn't
it?
The
music gets all dramatic (again)! Tyler starts to thrash around on the
floor! Caroline screams! Tyler writhes! He cries out! And then, he
turns into this:
Tyler
is now a bona fide werepire! Hooray for Klaus!
Later
on, Elena wakes up in a hospital bed. She wants to leave but the
nurse won't let her because she's lost a lot of blood. But it turns
out the nurse is taking her blood for Klaus! Out in the car park,
Klaus explains to Rebecca that the Original Witch was a very clever
lady who hated Klaus very much so she made it so that he had to kill
the doppelgänger to become a werepire, but in killing her would lose
the ability to make more werepires, therefore dooming him to an
eternity of loneliness. Because he couldn't, you know, make friends
with other vampires or werewolves.
So
that's what Klaus's whole werepire obsession is about, Rebecca
figures out. Poor little Klaus is just afraid of being alone. If I
didn't want to be alone, I wouldn't compel my best bro friend to
forget all about me & lock my sister in a coffin for ninety
years. But maybe that's just me.
Klaus
sends Rebecca off to get the truck so they & Elena can get the
hell out of this one horse town, when Damon shows up! Yay Damon! Only
he can save the day! Look at this face, this is a face that means
business:
Klaus
goes to kill Damon but Damon tells him Michael the Vampire-Hunting
Vampire knows where he is! And he's coming to get him! So Klaus drops
Damon & disappears! He didn't even call his bluff!
Damon
finds Elena asleep on the hospital bed & judging by the
soundtrack I think it may be time for another Deep & Meaningful
emo pop song closing scene! Yay!
This
week, the song is about there being too many fights in the world
tonight & Elena whispers Damon's name & he carries her out of
the hospital. Cut to the high school, where Caroline wants to know if
Tyler's all right but he says he feels amazing & twirls her in
the air & says this is gonna be the best year ever. Caroline
smiles but she's secretly worried & the song is about looking to
you & someone stealing someone else's heart. Cut to the workout
room, where Matt is troubled & Bonnie tells him to try live his
life like a normal person but he knows he can't any more & the
music's all electric-guitar instrumental because Matt's too upset for
lyrics. Bonnie leaves & Matt hears someone beside him & he
looks up & it's Vicky & the song's all about someone staying
with someone else. Cut to Damon's house, where the music gently fades
& he offers a shell-shocked Elena some bourbon & hands her
her necklace, which he stole back from Katherine. Elena is More Than
Sad because Stefan's really gone this time & Damon wasn't there
to help. He says he shouldn't have left & - one more cliché for
the road! - promises he will never
leave her again. And
he does that weird eye thing.
Their
Tender Moment is suddenly cut short, however, when Actually Evil This
Time Stefan shows up at the living room door! Is it just me, or has
his hair gotten more vertical since the last scene? He pours himself
a scotch, cause he's clearly the Bad Boy now (& boy oh boy has he
worked on that swagger) & informs Elena that Klaus has asked him
to keep an eye on her while he's gone.
Meanwhile,
somewhere far away, it's time for this week's
post-emo-pop-song-dramatic-montage cliffhanger scene!
Katherine
& Jeremy have found Michael the Vampire Hunting Vampire's tomb!
They break in & throw open the coffin lid! Houdini lies inside!
The
music does daba-daba-DUM-daba-daba-DUM-daba-daba-DUM faster &
faster as Katherine & Jeremy look down... And the Hunter's eyes
open!
DUN
DUN (DABA-DABA) DUNNNNNNN...
