Lists of Bests & Other Stories

So this list of the top 100 young adult books has been making the rounds of book blogs (I don't know who compiled it, though) & I don't know if I particularly agree with it. By which I mean I don't agree with it. (Sometimes, I try to be diplomatic & fail a little bit. By which I mean I fail miserably.) It looks to me like a list of the most popular contemporary young adult books, but, as anyone who's read the House of Night series can attest to, most popular doesn't always mean best. By which I mean everybody's tastes differ & one person's best may be another person's worst. (Sometimes I do the diplomacy thing backwards.)

Anyway, I've bolded the books I've read & italicised those I've been meaning to read for positively ages.

Top 100 Young Adult Books:

1. Alex Finn – Beastly
2. Alice Sebold – The Lovely Bones
3. Ally Carter – Gallagher Girls (1, 2, 3, 4)
4. Ally Condie – Matched
5. Alyson Noel – The Immortals (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
6. Anastasia Hopcus – Shadow Hills
7. Angie Sage – Septimus Heap (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
8. Ann Brashares – The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (1, 2, 3, 4)
9. Anna Godbersen – Luxe (1, 2, 3, 4)
10. Anthony Horowitz – Alex Rider (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
11. Aprilynne Pike – Wings (1, 2, 3)
12. Becca Fitzpatrick – Hush, Hush (1, 2)
13. Brandon Mull – Fablehaven (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
14. Brian Selznick – The Invention of Hugo Cabret
15. Cassandra Clare – The Mortal Instruments (1, 2, 3, 4)
16. Carrie Jones – Need (1, 2, 3)
17. Carrie Ryan – The Forest of Hands and Teeth (1, 2, 3, 4)
18. Christopher Paolini – Inheritance (1, 2, 3, 4)
19. Cinda Williams Chima – The Heir Chronicles (1, 2, 3)
20. Colleen Houck – Tigers Saga (1, 2)
21. Cornelia Funke – Inkheart (1, 2, 3)
22. Ellen Hopkins – Impulse
23. Eoin Colfer – Artemis Fowl (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
24. Faraaz Kazi – Truly, Madly, Deeply
25. Frank Beddor – The Looking Glass Wars (1, 2, 3)
26. Gabrielle Zevin – Elsewhere
27. Gail Carson Levine – Fairest
28. Holly Black – Tithe (1, 2, 3)
29. J.K. Rowling – Harry Potter (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
30. James Dashner – The Maze Runner (1, 2)
31. James Patterson – Maximum Ride (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
32. Jay Asher – Thirteen Reasons Why
33. Jeanne DuPrau – Books of Ember (1, 2, 3, 4)
34. Jeff Kinney – Diary of a Wimpy Kid (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
35. John Boyne – The Boy in the Striped Pajamas
36. John Green – An Abundance of Katherines
37. John Green – Looking for Alaska
38. John Green – Paper Towns
39. Jonathan Stroud – Bartimaeus (1, 2, 3, 4)
40. Kami Garcia & Margaret Stohl – Caster Chronicles (1, 2)
41. Kelley Armstrong – Darkest Powers (1, 2, 3)
42. Kristin Cashore – The Seven Kingdoms (1, 2)
43. Lauren Kate – Fallen (1, 2, 3)
44. Lemony Snicket – Series of Unfortunate Events (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
45. Libba Bray – Gemma Doyle (1, 2, 3)
46. Lisa McMann – Dream Catcher (1, 2, 3)
47. Louise Rennison – Confessions of Georgia Nicolson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
48. M.T. Anderson – Feed
49. Maggie Stiefvater – The Wolves of Mercy Falls (1, 2, 3)
50. Margaret Peterson Haddix – Shadow Children (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
51. Maria V. Snyder – Study (1, 2, 3)
52. Markus Zusak – The Book Thief
53. Markus Zusak – I am the Messenger
54. Mark Haddon – The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
55. Mary Ting – Crossroads
56. Maureen Johnson – Little Blue Envelope (1, 2)
57. Meg Cabot – All-American Girl (1, 2)
58. Meg Cabot – The Mediator (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
59. Meg Cabot – The Princess Diaries (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
60. Meg Rosoff – How I Live Now
61. Megan McCafferty – Jessica Darling (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
62. Megan Whalen Turner – The Queen’s Thief (1, 2, 3, 4)
63. Melina Marchetta – On the Jellicoe Road
64. Melissa de la Cruz – Blue Bloods (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
65. Melissa Marr – Wicked Lovely (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
66. Michael Grant – Gone (1, 2, 3, 4)
67. Nancy Farmer – The House of the Scorpion
68. Neal Shusterman – Unwind
69. Neil Gaiman – Coraline
70. Neil Gaiman – Stardust
71. Neil Gaiman – The Graveyard Book
72. P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast – House of Night (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
73. Philip Pullman – His Dark Materials (1, 2, 3)
74. Rachel Caine – The Morganville Vampires (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
75. Rachel Cohn & David Levithan – Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist
76. Richelle Mead – Vampire Academy (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
77. Rick Riordan – Percy Jackson and the Olympians (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
78. Rom LcO’Feer – Somewhere Carnal Over 40 Winks
79. S.L. Naeole – Grace (1, 2, 3, 4)
80. Sabrina Bryan & Julia DeVillers – Princess of Gossip
81. Sarah Dessen – Along for the Ride
82. Sarah Dessen – Lock and Key
83. Sarah Dessen – The Truth about Forever
84. Sara Shepard – Pretty Little Liars (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
85. Scott Westerfeld – Leviathan (1, 2)
86. Scott Westerfeld – Uglies (1, 2, 3)
87. Shannon Hale – Books of a Thousand Days
88. Shannon Hale – Princess Academy
89. Shannon Hale – The Books of Bayern (1, 2, 3, 4)
90. Sherman Alexie & Ellen Forney – The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian
91. Simone Elkeles – Perfect Chemistry (1, 2, 3)
92. Stephenie Meyer – The Host
93. Stephenie Meyer – Twilight Saga (1, 2, 3, 4)
94. Sue Monk Kidd – The Secret Life of Bees
95. Susan Beth Pfeffer – Last Survivors (1, 2, 3)
96. Suzanne Collins – Hunger Games (1, 2, 3)
97. Suzanne Collins – Underland Chronicles (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
98. Terry Pratchett – Tiffany Aching (1, 2, 3, 4)
99. Tonya Hurley – Ghost Girl (1, 2, 3)
100. Wendelin Van Draanen – Flipped

(I've bolded Melissa Marr's first Wicked Lovely book even though I'm only halfway through it because I'll have finished it by tomorrow. So far I like it, even though it involves fairies & employs that terribly over-used Supernatural Hunky Bad Boy Borderline-Abusive Stalker Who Wins Our Heroine's Heart trope. I'm hoping that if I continue thinking positive thoughts it'll go away.)

How many of these have you guys read? Are there any in particular you'd recommend? Do you agree that this represents the best 100 young adult books?

Also, does The Lovely Bones really count as young adult fiction? I'd consider some of these general fiction (The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, for example, & The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time), & I'd consider others more children's fiction than essentially young adult (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, A Series of Unfortunate Events & Harry Potter, for example, as well as Coraline, The Graveyard Book, the Tiffany Aching books, & even His Dark Materials). Do you agree? Disagree? A few weeks ago, a friend of mine who studies science fiction told me that she considers Margaret Atwood's The Handmaiden's Tale to be a sci-fi novel. I guess that reading age-groups, like genre, can be slippery things.

Bitch Magazine also compiled a list of young adult books earlier this year, & it looks very different to the list above (& not just because I couldn't figure out the list formatting). Also I know there were all kinds of kerfluffles about the removal of certain books from this list, & while I agree with a lot of what was said on the matter, I'm choosing to ignore that for the sake of staying on topic. Also because it was ages ago. Also also because this post is long enough as it is. 

100 Young Adult Books for the Feminist Reader:

1. Estrella's Quinceañera by Malin Alegria
2. How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents by Julia Alvarez
3. Choir Boy by Charlie Anders4. Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
5. Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson
6. Alt Ed by Catherine Atkins
7. The Rhyming Season by Edward Averett
8. The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle by Avi
9. Tithe: A Modern Faerie Tale by Holly Black
10. Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block
11. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
12. Forever by Judy Blume
13. A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray
14. Debbie Harry Sings in French by Meagan Brothers
15. All-American Girl by Meg Cabot
16. Graceling by Kristin Cashore
17. The Plain Janes by Cecil Castelluci and Jim Rugg
18. This is All: The Pillow Book of Cordelia Kenn by Aidan Chambers
19. Dancing in Red Shoes Will Kill You by Dorian Cirrone
20. The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros
21. Magic Knight Rayearth by CLAMP
22. Celine by Brock Cole
23. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
24. Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech
25. The Midwife's Apprentice by Karen Cushman
26. Sex Education by Jenny Davis
27. Mare’s War by Tanita S. Davis
28. Dreamland by Sarah Dessen
29. For the Win by Cory Doctorow
30. Down to the Bone by Mayra Lazara Dole
31. A Northern Light by Jennifer Donnelly
32. El Lector by William Durbin
33. The Skin I’m In by Sharon Flake
34. Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh
35. Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn
36. Crossing Stones by Helen Frost
37. Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden
38. The Year They Burned the Books by Nancy Garden
39. Sticks and Stones by Beth Goobie
40. Nothing But the Truth (and a few white lies) by Justina Chen Headley
41. Out of the Dust by Karen Hesse
42. Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones
43. It’s Not What You Expect by Norma Klein
44. Uncommon Faith by Trudy Krisher
45. The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks by E. Lockhart
46. Toning the Sweep by Angela Johnson
47. The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson
48. Another Kind of Cowboy by Susan Juby
49. White Sands, Red Menace by Ellen Klages
50. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’engle
51. Magic or Madness by Justine Larbalestier
52. Voices by Ursula K. Le Guin
53. Ella Echanted by Gail Carson Levine
54. Gravity by Leanne Lieberman
55. Ash by Malinda Lo
56. Number the Stars by Lois Lowry
57. Tomorrow, When the War Began by John Marsden
58. Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty
59. Sold by Patricia McCormick
60. The Member of the Wedding by Carson McCullers
61. Thunder Over Kandahar by Sharon E. McKay
62. The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley
63. The Secret Under My Skin by Janet McNaughton
64. Night Flying by Rita Murphy
65. Revenge by Taslima Nasrin
66. A Step from Heaven by An Na
67. Skip Beat! By Yosiki Nakamura
68. Simply Alice by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
69. Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O’Dell
70. Zahrah the Windseeker by Nnedi Okorafor-Mbachu
71. Rampant by Diana Peterfreund
72. Keeping You a Secret by Julie Anne Peters
73. Luna by Julie Anne Peters
74. Alanna: The First Adventure by Tamora Pierce
75. Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce
76. What Happened to Lani Garver by Carol Plum-Ucci
77. Imani All Mine by Connie Rose Porter
78. The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
79. The Ruby in the Smoke by Philip Pullman
80. Beneath My Mother's Feet by Amjed Qamar
81. The Sweet In-Between by Sheri Reynolds
82. Flygirl by Sherri Smith
83. Lucy the Giant by Sherri Smith
84. Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry by Mildred D. Taylor
85. Big Fat Manifesto by Susan Vaught
86. Climbing the Stairs by Padma Venkatraman
87. Not That Kind of Girl by Siobhan Vivian
88. Izzy, Willy-Nilly by Cynthia Voigt
89. Cress Delahanty by Jessamyn West
90. Uglies by Scott Westerfeld
91. When Kambia Elaine Flew in from Neptune by Lori Aurelia Williams
92. Blue Tights by Rita Williams-Garcia
93. One Crazy Summer by Rita Williams-Garcia
94. Parrotfish by Ellen Wittlinger
95. Make Lemonade by Virginia Euwer Wolff
96. The House You Pass on the Way by Jaqueline Woodson
97. Dealing with Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede
98. When the Black Girl Sings by Bil Wright
99. Sweethearts by Sara Zarr
100. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Interestingly enough, there are no vampire texts on this list... Could it be because the majority of them are not particularly feminist (by which I mean really not feminist at all, *cough*Twilight*cough*)? Although Richelle Mead's Vampire Academy is a refreshing exception to that rule.

Also, Francesca Lia Block's Weetzie Bat books are still my favourite things ever. There aren't many books I was obsessed with as a teen that stayed with me through adult re-readings, but Weetzie Bat is still kinda my hero.

Speaking of which, I think I might have to re-read my old favourite young adult books & make up a little list of my own. What about you guys? What would be on your list of best young adult books?

ETA: Here's a great list of 36 Young Adult Books for the Feminist Adult compiled by the wonderful Rie at Friend of Dorothy Wilde, who constantly expands my Books-To-Read list.

Important Life Lessons & Dramatic Fades to Black: The Vampire Diaries 3:4 Recap

Next week, I promise to write at least one post that has nothing whatsoever to do with The Vampire Diaries, but for now, I'm going to continue recapping each episode. Because if I don't make fun of this show, who will?

Previously on The Vampire Diaries, all this stuff happened, & there were a lot of flashbacks.

This week, the Vampire Diaries team is mixing it up a little, & giving us the title text after the previously on. I'm not sure what this means for the rest of their tried & tested formulae this episode. I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting a little worried. There are certain things I expect from The Vampire Diaries each week & I don't appreciate them changing everything up on me now. Am I reading too much into the early title text? Do I have slight OCD tendencies? Have I watched way too much Vampire Diaries? Read on to find out!

This week's opening song is some kind of electro-pop dance thing. It bounces! It's repetitive! It's different! Know why? Cause this week, we open in Chicago! It's the big city! There are buildings! And buses! And multiple places to eat! It's everything Mystic Falls lacks! It even gets its own subtitle to tell us what it is! Mystic Falls never gets a subtitle.

We rejoin our Evilest of Evil Duos in a posh boutique where they are lounging on divans drinking champagne, which is clearly what Evil Duos do best. Don't they know that Damon is supposed to drink in the opening scene of every episode, not Stefan? This is very unsettling. Anyway. Rebecca is trying on dresses & learning about the twenty-first century since she was temporarily murdered by her brother in 1922 & is missing out on a significant chunk of time. Rebecca doesn't like the clothes she's trying on because she got dirty looks when she wore trousers back in the 20s & women today, according to her, dress like prostitutes. Klaus, who totally understands how feminism works, informs her that she wore trousers so that the women of today could wear nothing. Rebecca also hates the music. That, I can agree with her about. Come back, emo songs, all is forgiven!

Klaus is grumpy because Rebecca doesn't have the Magic Witchy Necklace any more. Stefan's definitely not telling them that he knows where it is. He's getting pretty distracted by Rebecca's prostitute dress, though, so decides to go outside & "get some air". But who's that smirking at him from the opposite side of the street? She looks like sweet little Elena but her hair is wavy so you know she's evil: it's Katherine!

In Mystic Falls Elena is in the kitchen, making chilli to bring to a potluck -

Life Lesson #1: In American small towns, even ones infested with vampires or on the brink of disaster, there are always potlucks. No matter what happens, there will always be potlucks.

- & Damon is in the kitchen, criticising her chilli because he's in love with her & that's the only way he knows how to show it.

In this scene, we are reaffirming the normality of Elena & Damon's burgeoning relationship with teasing japes, hip bumps & stupid grins. I'm not buying it. Neither is Alaric. Elena explains that Damon is staying close in case she Breaks. You know, because she spent the whole summer chasing her murdering vampire boyfriend who kept running away & finally realised that maybe he didn't want to be found after all. But she's still wearing the Magic Witchy Necklace he gave her, & that signifies their Unbreakable Bond even though it totally belonged to his vampire ex-girlfriend before he gave it to her. Oops.

In Chicago, Katherine has beckoned & Stefan has followed. Katherine somehow knows that Klaus is looking for Rebecca's necklace, & she also knows that Stefan gave Elena said necklace in season one. But Stefan has a Diabolical Plan! And he won't tell Katherine! Katherine doesn't like that very much but Stefan says to stay out of it because he doesn't need her help. Katherine doesn't like that very much either.

Back in Mystic Falls, Jeremy is busy being a Sensitive Artsy Teenage Boy asleep in his clothes surrounded by charcoal & sketchpads. He rolls over & suddenly his staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriend is lying beside him!

Jeremy gets a bit of a fright. His staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriend is glad he can hear her because she's been yelling his name & screaming at him for days, which isn't creepy at all. (Like, even in the shower?) Jeremy says he was dreaming about her, which is probably why she's all corporeal now & Anna just focuses on the fact that he was dreaming about her & stares romantically into his eyes. Didn't you have something important to tell him, Anna?

Downstairs, Caroline has brought Elena chilli (because, remember, Damon joked that everybody brings chilli to a potluck) & Bonnie, Elena's Good Witch Best Friend, who is home after spending the entire summer with her dad's family. Bonnie is also Jeremy's Good Witch Girlfriend, & she probably wouldn't be thrilled to know that he was busy making swoony eyes at his staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriend as she was coming up the driveway. Anna appears reflected in the hall mirror as Jeremy & Bonnie kiss. Nope, not creepy at all.

Outside City Hall across town, Damon is talking to Caroline's sheriff mom about the whole kidnap-&-torture thing that happened with Caroline's dad & not only do we learn that the sheriff's ex-husband is a torturer, but he's gay, too, which is pretty much just as bad. Damon wants to kill him but the sheriff, while happy being friends with vampires, doesn't "advocate their lifestyle." Damon wittily quips that that's probably what she said to Caroline's dad when they divorced. Yes we see what you did there, Vampire Diaries, you compared gay people to vampires. That's very clever & not offensive at all. Please, carry on.

Life Lesson #2: There is a dark & dank dungeon full of cells & chains under every City Hall in America.

Bill is chained to the same chair he tortured his daughter in. Damon takes a little taste of him to make sure there's no vervain in his system & proceeds to erase his memory & compel him to leave town. Something tells me we haven't seen the last of Caroline's Gay Torturer Dad or his heavy-handed allegories about being able to change vampires' natures.

Life Lesson #3: Gay people - they're like vampires, only worse.

Back in Chicago, Gloria is casting a spell to find Rebecca's necklace. Rebecca figures Gloria can probably use her in the locator spell because after all she did wear the damn thing for a thousand years. That necklace looks awfully modern for a thousand & ninety year old piece of jewellery. But anyway.

We cut back to Elena's kitchen, where Elena & Caroline are catching up with Bonnie when the necklace suddenly begins to burn Elena's skin! In Chicago, Gloria can Sense Something! Elena can mostly sense blistered flesh. Gloria does some Witchy Chants while Bonnie asks Elena if she can see the necklace. When she touches it the necklace sends off sparks & burns her too! Gloria looks at Stefan. She does that dramatic X-Factor waiting-for-the-results pause & says ominously: "I've found it." Dun dun dunnnnnn...

When the fade-out fades back in, we learn that, to Stefan's relief, Gloria doesn't actually know where the necklace is, just that there's a girl & her friends & that somehow has something to do with it. Mostly, she needs Klaus to get his Evil English Werepire self outta her face so she can work on the details. The Evil Duo Trio leave the bar & Gloria looks relieved.

Back in Mystic Falls it's Founder's Day at the Lockwood mansion & Bonnie has brought her Big Book o'Spells to the barbecue to try find out what made the Magic Witchy Necklace burn. Caroline is more concerned with finding out if Elena's switching vampire brother boyfriends. Also, she loves her father dearly. *headdesk*

Life Lesson #4: You can decide not to be involved in your daughter's life at all for two seasons & then kidnap her, torture her & try to brainwash her but don't worry, she'll still love you dearly. I'm guessing she doesn't know he's gay, or she'd probably be a lot less understanding.

But enough with the love stuff, Bonnie's found a locator charm in her Big Book o'Spells! Or no, she hasn't, the necklace has just randomly decided to levitate! You can tell it's not supposed to be happening because the music's gone all waily. Because of the burning & the levitation & the waily music, Bonnie cleverly concurs that Elena's necklace must be Witchy & Magical. Doesn't she already know that all jewellery is magical jewellery?

Life Lesson #5: All jewellery is magical jewellery. I know these lessons can get a little repetitive, but they are Very Important & also Very True. So hide those hoop earrings, cause you never know what they're gonna do.

Up at the house, everyone brought chilli to the potluck -

Life Lesson #6: Everyone brings chilli to a potluck

- & Alaric is father-figuring by telling Damon to keep away from Elena. Damon gives Alaric a good look at his Unhappy Eyebrows before following the sheriff away to the council meeting upstairs.

In Chicago, the Evil Trio are snacking on blondes & Rebecca is bratty & bored because that's all female vampires can ever be. She even brattily whinges that she isn't bratty, which amuses our Evil Duo mightily. Stefan drains his blonde (you can almost hear the slurping-at-the-straw-even-when-there's-no-milkshake left sound) & goes off to write her name on his creepy wall.

Back in Mystic Falls, Jeremy leaves the Lockwood potluck to hide in one of the mansion's many rooms & talk to his staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriend. Anna wants to know why he hasn't told his actual girlfriend that he can talk to ghosts yet, but Jeremy just wants to know how this whole Sixth Sense thing is happening. There's a lot of soft music & talk about the Other Side & Anna says that Vicki (the other staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriend) is Dark & Dangerous. She warns Jeremy not to let her in (apparently ghosts can only appear to you if you want them to, which pretty much goes against everything horror has taught me about ghosts).

Hey, you know what we haven't had in a while? A cliché! I've really missed those clichés! Here's one though: the Ghost Story Cliché! Ghost comes back to her loved one & tries to touch him but he can't feel it so they raise up their hands & touch & they Feel Something!

Now, we return to Chicago, where Stefan has called in to Gloria's bar. He wants to know what she learned about the whereabouts of the necklace. Gloria heard the girls talking about Stefan but didn't say anything to Klaus because he's a hybrid halfbreed & she wouldn't help him with anything. However, as the Magic Witchy Necklace is actually a Very Important Talisman once owned by the Original Witch herself, Gloria wants it. She threatens to tell Klaus that his sidekick's a liar if Stefan doesn't help her get the Very Important Talisman, & when Stefan turns to attack her she blasts him with a Magical Migraine.

Once the dramatic music has dun dun dunnnnned itself out, we cut back to the bar, but it's dark & littered with witchy paraphernalia & Stefan's lying paralysed & shirtless on a table.

Life Lesson #7: Spells only work on shirtless men.

Also? I don't know about you guys, but this is not the kind of face I make when I'm in pain... Anyway! Moving right along!

Gloria's not one of those modern hippie witches, she likes to keep it old school voodoo, with the slit wrists & the anti-Magical Vampire Healing wound clamps & the vases to collect the blood in. She doesn't even need a Big Book o'Spells, she's that hardcore.

See, now that's a pain face.

Back in the Lockwood mansion, the Vampire Hunters Anonymous Town Council Meeting is in session. This one's short & sweet, as there haven't been any signs of vampire activity all summer. It's all been sunshine, daisies & torturing Dads in Mystic Falls lately. Speaking of which, here's Bill! What a surprise! That mind-control memory-loss really didn't take, did it?

(Oh wow, I've just realised something! Bill is totally Claire's Dad in Heroes! Typecast, much? I'd been wondering why he looked so familiar for the last few weeks. The generic bad guy with a superhuman blond teenage daughter look really should have given it away sooner. Maybe Clark Kent was right & people with glasses are completely unrecognisable when they take them off... Maybe he's actually Superman!)

(It's a simple but convincing equation.)

Meanwhile, in Jeremy's bedroom, Bonnie & Jeremy are looking through a bunch of Big Books o'Spells to find something about the Magical Witchy Necklace. Bonnie can't use the Ghosts of Witches Past to help her like last season because they cut her off after she brought Jeremy back from the dead. You'd think with all this talk of ghosts Jeremy could explain his spectral predicament to his Good Witch Girlfriend, but he pretends everything's just fine instead. That is, until Anna appears behind Bonnie to warn him that The Darkness approaches.

No, not that kind of Darkness, the kind of Darkness that sets Big Books o'Spells on fire! Panic ensues. Bonnie waves her wand & casts a flame-freezing charm says aguamenti something in Latin & the flames go out. Dramatic music plays.

Back in Chicago, Gloria's Topless Stefan Spell is still underway. Gloria puts her hands on Stefan's chest & learns through blurry blue flashbacks that Elena is the girl with the necklace, that Stefan loves her & would do anything for her, & oh yeah, that she's the Doppelgänger & is supposed to be dead & she just happens to be the reason why Klaus's hybrid-making experiment failed in bloody tears. But just as Gloria is basking in this knowledge, Katherine comes up behind her & stabs her in the neck! See Stefan, you did need her help after all!

Back in Mystic Falls, Elena, Caroline & Alaric are ready to leave the party but can't find Damon. Caroline is being mean to Elena by insulting her new favourite vampire brother. Which isn't fair because Damon really doesn't deserve Caroline's scorn. I mean, all he did was compel her for months, date-rape her on several occasions & then kill her & turn her into a vampire. But he's the Good Brother now! God, Caroline, stop being such a kill-joy.

Life Lesson #8: Warning your friend against your abusive ex-boyfriend simply isn't fair & you should just get over yourself & be happy that she's got such a swell fella to protect her now that her boyfriend's become evil.

Damon finds our heroes as they leave the house & tells them that Bill is impervious to compulsion & has threatened to out Damon. Which is Very Ironic because, remember, Bill is gay, & it's gay people that get outed, not vampires. Gay. Remember? Bill is gay. Slightly less importantly, he wants to run the town council & put vervain in the water supply. Elena thinks that's not a bad idea because it will help Damon control himself now that he's the Good Brother & doesn't have an actual Good Brother to keep him in check. Damon really doesn't like this reasoning. He wants to go kill Caroline's dad immediately but Alaric pulls another father-figure & blocks his path. Damon puts on his Bad Boy face, says "your temporary funeral" & breaks Alaric's neck.

Now. Let's talk about his whole "your temporary funeral" business. We all know that Alaric has Elena's Supernatural Protection Ring that means he can't be killed by anything supernatural. Which apparently means he's also immune to regular, snapped-neck killing if it's done by supernatural beings. Not only does that not make sense, but Damon's little quip makes even less sense because even if Alaric's is only a temporary death, there's no such thing as a temporary funeral. Funerals are temporary by nature; you have one, then you go home. Or get buried, depending whose funeral it is. And anyway, they won't give Alaric a funeral because of Life Lesson #9: Nobody ever bloody dies in this show! So it can't be his temporary funeral! I don't know why this bothers me so much! Let's move on!

We move on to Chicago, where Katherine & Stefan are cleaning up their witchy mess & Katherine has figured out Stefan's Diabolical Plan. He knows Klaus will never trust him but Rebecca is a woman, & therefore weak, & an easy mark, so he plans to make her fall even more deeply in love with him than she was ninety years ago. How will he do this? By bonding with Klaus & making her feel left out, of course! That really gets the girls going. Stefan also wants to know who this Hunter that Klaus is so afraid of is because that's how Stefan'll make his move. Katherine wants in on the plan but Stefan is a Lone Wolf now & tells her to find someone else to be her partner in crime.

It's an emo pop song again! And we're back in a bedroom in Mystic Falls with sad characters being sad! Now there's the Vampire Diaries we know & love know. Caroline's hiding out from her dad in Tyler's bedroom when he comes home from football practice. Tyler comforts Caroline, who is Very Upset because through everything, Bill is still her dad & she loves her dad. Tyler raises this episode's Shirtless Count to two when they start smooching, but then Elena calls Caroline because of Alaric's broken neck & that totally ruins the mood.

Downstairs, Bill is drinking Scotch because he does everything in moderation, & explaining his compulsion immunity to Damon. He also thinks Damon's technique is rather sloppy. Hur hur. Then he makes the mistake of telling Damon he's not self-destructive enough to kill the sheriff's ex-husband. Damon, who really doesn't like being underestimated, sticks his fangs in Bill's neck.

When the dramatic fade-out fades back in again (deja vue) Damon's still sucking on Bill (okay, I'm sorry, I'll stop). He isn't going to kill him though, just toy with him a little. However, Caroline's not big on that idea, so she zooms across the room & throws Damon at a wall. And then through a window. And when he comes back while she's healing her dad with her Magical Vampire Blood & tells her to leave, she punches him in the face. I like Caroline.

Damon hits her & holds her down because he's stronger but she breaks his arm & headbuts him off her cause she's angrier. And more awesome. Then she zooms her dad out of the room.

Elena (who ran in when Damon's hands were at her friend's throat) & Damon then have an argument because Elena doesn't want Damon to be what other people think he is & Damon doesn't want to be controlled.

Life Lesson #10: Teenage vampires - they never grow up.

Back at Jeremy's house, Bonnie is vaccuuming up ashes after the Great Spellbook Fire of 2011 & Jeremy is in the bathroom, talking to his staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriend. Jeremy wants Anna to stop appearing every time he's with Bonnie, but Anna reminds him that she can only appear when he's thinking about her. She realises that he hasn't told Bonnie he can see her because he still cares. But Jeremy does the right thing & says goodbye & as Anna's voice gets more & more echoey he shuts her out for good. Then he goes into the bedroom & tells Bonnie everything & Anna cries echoilly in the doorway & says she's all alone.

Meanwhile, in Chicago, dramatic music plays & Stefan revisits the coffin warehouse where Klaus was keeping Rebecca. He's about to open a coffin when Rebecca herself comes in & stops the music. She won't talk about who's hunting them but they chitchat about Klaus for a bit & then Rebecca pulls Stefan forward & kisses him because she wants him to one day love her like he loved Elena. He says that one day he thinks he will be able to. It's a very tender moment until Rebecca says she can always tell when Stefan's lying. Uh oh! Then Klaus comes in & Rebecca tells him something's wrong because Stefan was asking about Michael the Hunter! Double uh-oh! She says she can sense that Stefan's not with them. The dramatic music is back! Triple uh-oh! Then Klaus runs at Stefan & the screen goes black! I don't think I have enough uh-ohs for this!

And now it's time for one of our favourite Deep & Meaningful emo pop song closing scenes! Yay!

Today's song starts all instrumental & piano-y & Damon prepares drinks for himself & recently-resuscitated Alaric who doesn't want the drinks because Damon's a dick. Cut to the town, where Caroline is trying to get Elena to admit that she's attracted to Damon, which she totally is, but she doesn't want to admit it, but by saying that she pretty much does admit it, & the song's about feelings building up inside. Then Bill appears across the road & Caroline goes over to him & he thanks her for saving his life & she tells him she's going to be okay but he doesn't think so, because she's a vampire, so she'll never be okay & the song is about not knowing where you belong. Cut to the Lockwoods' house, where Alaric is asking the sheriff & the mayor if he can be on the council in order to look after the Real People of the town & the song says it's only love & it's only pain. Cut to Mystic Grill where Elena asks Bonnie for her necklace back & they sit over coffee & talk about Jeremy's Ghosts of Girlfriends Past... until their waitress arrives & Elena disappears!

I think that means it's time for this week's post-emo-pop-song-dramatic-montage cliffhanger scene! It's good to see that some things never change.

Elena knocks at Damon's door. The eerie music tells us everything is not as it seems... Damon quickly picks up on that & when Elena laughs & puts her hand on her hip he realises it's actually Katherine! Because Elena would never do anything so unladylike as putting a hand on her hip.

See? Clearly evil.

Katherine has come to Damon looking for a Partner in Crime. After all, it's what Stefan told her to do. Damon agrees to go on a roadtrip & Katherine holds up Elena's necklace.

Then we cut to some kind of storeroom where Stefan wakes up to find Klaus standing over him. Klaus is determined to find out what Stefan's been hiding so he throws open the rolling garage-type door of what ends up being a lorry & graciously welcomes Stefan back to Mystic Falls. Dun dun dunnnn...

Important Life Lessons & an Overabundance of Flashbacks: The Vampire Diaries 3:3 Recap

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries: All this stuff happened, & people sighed a lot.

Currently on The Vampire Diaries, Damon is drinking, because he's a Bad Boy, & also because that's how every episode begins. Why isn't he in a bathtub, you ask? Well, I don't know, but I think this show needs to deliver us extra shirtlessness this episode to make up for him being needlessly fully clothed in this scene.

Damon's phone rings. He gives out to the unknown caller for interrupting his drink, but the caller turns out to be Katherine! She can interrupt his drink any time! For those of you just joining us this season, Katherine is Elena's Evil Vampire Doppelgänger who is also both Damon & Stefan's sire & former lover!

Life Lesson #1: You can always tell the evil doppelgänger from the good because the evil one's got wavy hair.

Damon fills Katherine in on everything that's happened & realises that although he doesn't know where Stefan is right now, Katherine does. She plays all mysterious with Damon but tells him that since Klaus's werepire army didn't quite work out as planned, he is now storming around looking for answers. Damon's not too happy that Katherine seems to be looking out for his brother.

Damon asks Katherine where Stefan is & we cut to Chicago, where Stefan apparently lived during his Ripper days. Somewhere, Rupert Giles is turning in his... chair? Bed? Is there a version of that idiom for people who aren't dead? Klaus has brought Stefan here to re-awaken the beast.

Flashback time!

Flashback #1: The scene is sepia-tinted! Jazz music plays! The cars are old-fashioned! We have arrived in Chicago Of The Past!

Voice-Over Klaus tells us that it is prohibition, where everything's forbidden & therefore so much fun. Stefan is in an old-fashioned car making out with killing a moaning girl. He steals the flower from her hair & puts it in his lapel because he's so smooth. The flashback pauses for the title scene...

... & we're back in prohibition-era Chicago, where Angelus Stefan enters a speakeasy where everybody knows who he is. The pretty jazz singer knows him! The pretty dancing girls know him! Even the pretty Mysterious Blond English Flapper who steals his drink knows him! He doesn't know her, though, hence the "Mysterious." Not letting that stop her, she kisses him, does that veiny face thing that means a vampire's getting all turned on by someone's blood in the vicinity, & informs him that he's still wearing his date. Is this a Vampire Speakeasy?

Before we can find out, the flashback ends & Klaus is reminding Stefan of how magical Chicago was in the Olden Days but Stefan tells him he doesn't remember most of it. That's not what the flashbacks suggest... Nostalgic chitchat over, they get down to business. (Not that kind of business, get your mind out of the gutter!)

Life Lesson #2: Vampires are never gay. Neither are witches, or werewolves, or ghosts. Or humans, for that matter.

Speaking of witches, we're gonna meet a new one! Klaus says that his Favourite Witch is the only one who can help them with their werepire problem. Now, I will bet you a million dollars that this new witch will be the only African-American character introduced so far this season. Because

Life Lesson #3: All African-Americans are witches. All witches are African-American. This has been true for the last two seasons so I don't see why it'd change now.

Back in good old Mystic Falls, emo pop music plays & Elena wakes up to find Damon lying on her bed. At least he's fully clothed. She's not too happy about being woken up at 6am to find her boyfriend's brother in her bed, & you know what, I can totally understand that. Damon is bright-eyed & bushy-tailed & ready to start the Stefan hunt. He tells Elena to start packing but instead rifles through her drawers & pulls out her underwear. Don't you just love that roguish charm?

Meanwhile, in a dark & dank dungeon cell - which there seem to be a lot of in this small town - Caroline calls out to her dad to talk to her. He comes in, but only after having weakened her with vervain gas from the air vents. He wants to know why she can walk in sunlight. Caroline actually believes her clearly evil & even more clearly lying father when he insists that's all he wants to know & that's the only reason he's had her chained to a chair in a cell for the last week, & she shows him her Magical Vampire Sunshine ring. Which he immediately takes off her. Of course. Then he opens the dungeon's secret vampire sunroof & watches her scream.

Later that day, Elena & Damon are on a road trip. Rock music plays, because you can't have emo music on a road trip. Damon has stolen Stefan's old diary from 1922 because he's actually eight years old, but Elena refuses to invade her boyfriend's privacy. Like that'll last. So Damon, ever helpful, & also a very responsible driver, decides to read a selection of entries aloud over the steering wheel. We learn nothing new: Stefan'd black out & wake up with blood on him, in strange places & with (gasp) women he didn't recognise. Elena tells Damon to keep his eyes on the road (thank you Elena!) & begins to read the diary herself. Again we learn nothing new other than the fact that Stefan has ugly handwriting.

Flashback time!

Flashback #2: In the speakeasy in the Olden Days, Stefan is drinking, watched by the Mysterious Blond English Flapper Vampire he sound so intriguing in his diary. Stefan is being a Bad Boy because he's laughing loudly with his drinking buddies & asking MBEFV if he's offending her when she comes over to tell him to pipe down. He really does make ever such a convincing Bad Boy. MBEFV puts him in his place & refuses to tell him her name until he's earned it. She really should tell him soon, because MBEFV isn't exactly the prettiest epithet.

The sepia scene blurs back to modern colour & Present Day Stefan & Klaus look around the now-empty bar that used to be a speakeasy, trying to jog Stefan's memory. But what's this? The bar isn't empty after all! Someone's here - a woman who recognises Klaus! It's the pretty jazz singer from 1922! The only African-American character we've seen all day! She must be the witch!

Klaus says: "Gloria's a very powerful witch" & I'm pretty relieved that I don't owe you all a million dollars. Stefan is sent behind the bar to fix them all some drinks while Klaus & Gloria mull over what could've gone wrong with Klaus's werepire spell. Gloria explains that all spells have loopholes, but with one as old as the werepire spell, she'd have to get in contact with the witch who created it. I'm guessing she doesn't mean on the phone. Klaus confirms this suspicion when he points out that this would be the Original Witch, who just happens to be Very Dead. Gloria says that she can probably get a text message or something out to this Very Dead Original Witch, but only if someone named Rebecca helps her.

That's when Stefan finds a photo of himself up on the wall of the bar. It's black & white, he's wearing a tux & smiling, & his arm is around... a grinning Klaus! Dun dun dunnnnnn...

That's a pretty goofy picture.

Back in Mystic Falls, Caroline's mom (who is also the sheriff, for those who don't remember) is leaving her daughter a voicemail about meeting up for lunch. Someone knocks at the door. She turns around & it's Tyler.

Meanwhile, in the Secret Vampire Dungeon, Caroline is burning & screaming & pleading with her dad to stop. He finally snaps the sunroof shut & explains that he's not actually torturing her, he's trying to cure her. Because that makes sense. He wants her to start associating vampirism with pain, so every time he holds a baggie of blood up to her & she does that veiny face thing, she gets burned. I'm pretty sure this is a metaphor for something but it's early on a Monday morning & I really couldn't be bothered.

In Chicago, Damon & Elena are visiting the apartment Stefan used to live in. It's kind of a dive, which is something Elena notices & comments on, but Damon explains that it's right across the road from what used to be an all-girls school that coincidentally got shut down for attendance issues. Nice. They break into the apartment, which looks like it's been empty for some time, but Damon opens the Secret Pantry Trapdoor (not to be confused with a Secret Panty Trapdoor) & shows Elena Stefan's hidden alcohol & creepy wall covered with a very long list of all his victims. Damon admits that he wasn't exactly a fluffy puppy in the 20s either, but that Stefan "Ripper" Salvatore was far worse. Then he heads out to find his brother, leaving Elena in the creepy apartment to "think up a plan."

Yeah, that'd be my reaction too.

Meanwhile, also in Chicago, Stefan wants to know why he doesn't remember Klaus, &, for that matter, why Klaus never mentioned knowing him before now. Klaus tells Stefan he's far too busy to walk around memory lane with him right now, & that anyway, Past Klaus & Past Stefan never got along (that's not what that photo suggests...) but gives us another flashback anyway. Yay flashbacks!

Flashback #3: Stefan is kissing killing a flapper girl in the neck. Oh my! So is the Mysterious Blond English Flapper Vampire! Oh my oh my! Stefan & MBEFV are sharing a lady! And kissing each other! What a decadent decade the 1920s was! Stefan stops his smooching to admire MBEFV's necklace, & I'm gonna take a screenshot of it right now cause I'm sure it's an Important Plot Point & will come up again shortly.

I must be right, because MBEFV tells Stefan a witch gave it to her & it's supposedly magical.

Life Lesson #4: All jewellery is magical jewellery.

But what's this? A man has come to tear MBEFV away from Stefan! And he's calling her Rebecca! And Rebecca says he'll kill Stefan! It's none other than our favourite Evil English Werepire, Klaus!

Past Klaus thinks Stefan has funny hair too! I like him already, even if he does look much handsomer in the 21st century. Klaus is bored & wants to leave. Rebecca tells him to go without her because she's not his girlfriend but Klaus reminds her that she's his sister! Uh oh! He also says that as she's his sister she has to do as he says. I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.

The sepia fades & we're back in the warehouse (I accidentally typed werehouse & now I can't stop imagining a pack of nice suburban bungalows that transform into a block of tenement flats every full moon) with Present Klaus (who looks so much better than Past Klaus) & Stefan, who reminds us that as Klaus is an Original Vampire (or was before he became a werepire), Rebecca is one too.

Oh! The werehouse ("Raaar! Tenement flats!") is full of coffins! I'm having flashbacks to The Hunger.

At least there are no doves... Klaus opens one of the coffins, & there is our friend MBEFV, aka Rebecca, looking significantly less beautiful than the last time we saw her, which may or may not have something to do with the stake stuck in her heart.

Now, last season we learned (through Elena's trial & error) that you can kill an Original Vampire by staking them through the heart with a Special Magical Dagger, but that if you want the Original Vampire to come back to life - or rather, un-death - like every other bloody character who dies in this show, all you need to do is remove the dagger. Simple as that!

Life Lesson #5: Nobody ever stays bloody well dead!

Klaus removes the dagger. Dun dun dunnnnn...

As it turns out, however, Rebecca's not too rushed about reviving. I think we've just about got time for another flashback!

Flashback #4: Stefan, Rebecca & Klaus are in a bar, because that's clearly all anybody did in the 20s. Klaus is quizzing Stefan about what makes him worthy of his Original Vampire sister. What an elitist! A man with a creepy pencil moustache comes up to their booth wanting to know where his wife is. We're supposed to think she's one of Stefan's victims, but when he calls her she comes up the stairs. Pencil-Face Husband turns to leave but Stefan compels him to sit with them, slits his wife's wrist & fills a wine glass with her blood. Hey, at least it's not a bottle of Bud like last episode.

So, about once an episode (this season, anyway), The Vampire Diaries throws in one genuinely creepy scene amongst all the dramatic emo music. Today, this is that scene. Stefan sends Pencil-Face's wife off to bandage her wrist & compels her horrified husband to drink the whole glass. It's pretty simple, but actually really disturbing. Well done, Vampire Diaries!

Then, in a swish of sepia, we're back to present-day Chicago, where Klaus is leading Stefan back out of the werehouse ("Arroooogh! My bricks are lengthening!"), stopping only to compel the security guard to send Rebecca to Gloria's bar when she revives, & offer himself as a mid-morning snack in the process.

Stefan still isn't sure he can believe Klaus, who claims Stefan trusted him with one of his secrets back in the Olden Days. He's willing to prove this... by taking Stefan to his old apartment. Uh oh!

Back at Gloria's bar, which isn't empty any more, Damon approaches & makes small talk with the witch, who clearly remembers him. Gloria warns Damon that his brother is running with the wrong crowd (although I hardly think Klaus constitutes as a crowd) & that the Evil Duo will be back in the bar later that night.

In Stefan's old apartment, Elena is reading his diary. Told you the respect for his privacy wouldn't last. Again, we learn nothing new: Stefan's awfully emo; Lexie (his pretty blond vampire best friend who was killed by Damon last season when Damon was still the resident Bad Boy) saves him from throwing himself under a train, & soon her newest project is Getting Stefan To Laugh, which clearly doesn't stick if it ever went well, & all in all, for an evil vampire in the 1920s, Stefan's pretty boring. Elena sighs. We're all sighing here, Elena.

Suddenly, she hears voices out in the hall! It's the Evil Duo, one half of whom isn't aware that she's still alive & that that's the reason his whole werepire army experiment failed! What is she going to do?

Klaus throws the door open! He can feel her presence with his Magical Werepire Senses! Elena has hidden behind the Secret Pantry Door. She should've gone with under the bed. She recognises Stefan's voice & gives the Secret Pantry Door a Very Sad Look. Klaus tells Stefan that he'd wondered at the time why Stefan'd asked Pencil-Face Husband's name (Liam Grant, in case you're interested), but after Klaus shared his secret he understood. Oh dear, Elena, you're really not safe behind that Secret Pantry Door!

Klaus explains Stefan's victim-name-writing ritual... and throws open the Secret Pantry Door! He stands aside & Stefan steps in! He moves forward, excruciatingly slow step by excruciatingly slow step... Elena cowers close to the wall... Thankfully, Klaus has decided to explore the rest of the apartment, because Stefan turns the pantry corner & sees Elena & the romantic piano music should really give the game away but Klaus remains oblivious to the soundtrack & Stefan & Elena stare into each other's eyes...

Until Stefan calls out to Klaus to come see what he's found! Stefan how could you? But look, it's okay, he's just taking out a bottle of 1918 single malt whiskey! (It's Klaus's favourite.) Stefan closes the Secret Pantry Door & the Evil Duo go out to find somebody to pair it with.

Slightly later, Elena is still in the apartment, holding a syringe of vervain as protection. Footsteps sound down the corridor... but it's only Damon. Elena gives out to him for having taken an hour to get back after she called him to say she was almost discovered by Klaus. He's feigning indifference but you can tell he really cares because he's doing that weird eye thing he always does when he's being sincere.

Back in the bar, Rebecca still hasn't showed & Stefan wants to know why Klaus is so keen to have him as his wingman. Is it because he tortured innocent people so well? Is it his impeccable taste in button-down shirts? Is it the hair? Is it that Klaus secretly has the hots for him? I think we may find out in another flashback!

Flashback #5: In the Olden Days, Klaus & Stefan are at a bar, because that's all that existed in the 20s, drinking shots, which is exactly what they were doing in the present day, in the same bar! Isn't that clever? Turns out Klaus is really emo in the Olden Days (also, his name is Nick, which is so much less cool than Klaus) & he thinks he's a monster but Stefan persuades him that he's a king. This, Stefan, is just how Evil EnglishWerepires are created. They bond & clap each other on the back & talk about Rebecca who apparently doesn't do anything at half speed. Oo-er.

Stefan tells Klaus he's a good friend & they toast to their undying love droll camaraderie & we return to the present day where they look lovingly into each others' eyes & clink shotglasses to friendship.

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Caroline is still being Not-Tortured by her charming father. He says he cried when he heard she was a vampire but she insists she's learned to adapt & doesn't need to be fixed. It always makes me really uncomfortable when these kinds of homosexuality/vampire comparisons are made (see also True Blood). I mean, the analogy works fine (if unsubtly) in X Men where mutants are just ordinary-but-considered-different kids, but when it comes to vampires who by nature murder people, the comparison becomes a good bit more problematic.

Anyway, Caroline still goes all veiny at the blood baggies & we learn that her dad is actually pretty sympathetic because he's only torturing her so he won't have to kill her. Isn't that nice? Caroline's mom doesn't think so, because she suddenly appears behind Caroline's dad when he leaves the dungeon, & points a gun to his head.

Bill entreats the Caroline's mom to let him continue torturing their daughter, because they love her, but thankfully she's got some sense because she calls Tyler in to break Caroline out & rescue her.

Back at the bar in Chicago, Stefan wants to know how he & Klaus were once so pally when he only remembers him as the werepire jerk (only he uses the word "dick" because he's badass; I'm not badass, so I have to settle for "jerk") who sacrificed his girlfriend to break some stupid curse.

Flashback time again! 

Flashback #6: This time it's a literal flash (I see what you did there...) because someone's taking a picture!

Those old cameras look so cool. Anyway, Stefan & Rebecca are dancing & I seriously covet her dress.

Klaus looks on broodingly until he notices the dramatic screeching music that's beginning to scream. He was a lot more attune to the soundtrack in the 20s. The music is heralding the police! They're shooting the whole place up! Bullets fly! Gin bottles shatter! People scream! Stefan & Rebecca hide behind the bar & notice that they're using wooden bullets! Rebecca gasps: that means He's here! He who?

Klaus downs his drink & marches towards the couple. He pulls Rebecca away but, Cinderella-like, she loses her necklace! Klaus comes back, looks Stefan in the eye & compels him to forget all about him & Rebecca until he tells him otherwise. That's not a very nice thing to do to your bro, Klaus. Stefan looks vaguely dazed & walks away.

Back in the present day, Stefan figures that Klaus & his sister wouldn't need to cover their tracks unless they were running from someone...

Meanwhile, Damon has arrived. He beckons Stefan into the parking lot where Stefan gives out to him for having brought Elena, who is the Key To Everything, to within Klaus's reach. Again. He warns Damon to tell Elena to go home & forget about him. Again. But Elena's standing right behind him so he can tell her himself.

Damon joins Klaus at the bar & they banter a bit before Klaus grabs Damon by the throat. Outside, Elena hugs Stefan & asks him to come home & it's all very sweet until she tries to stab him in the back with the vervain syringe from earlier & he grabs her arm before she can & growls at her that he doesn't want to go home.

Back inside, Klaus is playing pin-the-cocktail-umbrella-on-the-vampire & Damon's trying to convince him to take him on as his wingman instead of Stefan. Klaus is having none of it, & tries to stake Damon but Gloria sets the stake on fire with her magic witchy powers because she disapproves of murder in her bar.

In the parking lot, Stefan & Elena & the increasingly dramatic music are having a Moment. Stefan explains that he has left a string of bodies from Florida to Tennessee (which sounds like it could be the name of a Country & Western song) & that Elena can't save him the way Lexie did in the 20s because it took him thirty years to get himself together & that's half Elena's life. The music builds & builds & he totally pulls an Edward-in-New-Moon on her & says he doesn't want to be with her any more & that part of his life is over & he doesn't love her so there.

Life Lesson #6: Girls never, ever see through the whole "pretending I don't love you to protect you" act. Ever.

Dramatic Music is Dramatic.

A little later on, in the car, Elena is fingering the necklace Stefan gave her in Season 1, which looks surprisingly familiar... She is Very Very sad & doesn't want to talk about it so Damon just drives them home. There'll be no roadtrip rock music this time around.

And now it's time for another Deep & Meaningful emo pop song closing scene!

This week's Sad Song is even sadder than usual, & seems to be about sheltering & hiding away & Caroline's mom gives her a baggie of blood & tucks her into bed & tells her that her dad will come around. Tyler comes in & gets into bed with her & Caroline cries because her dad hates her & the song is about making things better. Cut to the werehouse ("Raaaargh! I'm really craving some staircases right now!") where Klaus approaches his sister's coffin to find it empty, with the bloody corpse of the security guard beside it, & the sad song switches to Scary String-section Music & Rebecca appears in front of Klaus, stabs him with the Special Magical Dagger & tells him to go to hell.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Deep & Meaningful Emo Pop Closing Scene to bring you a flashback! 

Flashback #7: This time, the flash is those old-fashioned headlights you get on old-fashioned cars. Rebecca is outside the bar, waiting for Stefan. The Werepire Formerly Known as Nick tells her that he'd have gotten them caught & to forget him but Rebecca doesn't want to run any more because she's in love. NickKlaus (ohhh, I get it, like Nicholas! Nick, Klaus, it's actually the same name! I'm so smart) tells her to choose between him & Stefan & she chooses Stefan but Klaus doesn't like that too much so he stabs her with the Special Magical Dagger.

Back in the present, we quickly discover that the Special Magical Dagger doesn't work on werepires. Because that would just be too easy. Klaus gets that Rebecca might be a tad ticked off at having been shut up in a coffin for almost a century, so he brings Stefan in & compels him to remember her again. Flashback montage ensues! (I think a Flashback Montage counts as two flashbacks, but we'll just call it Flashback #8.)

Stefan now remembers that he & Klaus are friends, & Klaus tells Rebecca the real reason they're all together again: Gloria says Rebecca has something she needs to contact the Original Witch. Rebecca reaches to her throat... but her necklace isn't there! Uh oh, we know who has it!

Back in Mystic Falls, Damon is drinking, again, while on the phone to Katherine, again. He tries to guess where she's calling from (Spain is his hunch) but she won't tell him.

What's this? Another flashback? Don't you think we've had enough flashbacks for one episode? 

Flashback #9: (Seriously? Nine?) We're back at the bar, & the Chicago PD are cleaning the mess up, because they didn't have cleaning staff back in those days. Or maybe they killed them all. Anyway. The necklace is still on the ground where it fell & a woman's heels clack into the frame, &, unsurprisingly, it's Katherine. Only she's wearing her hair in a bob, which is pretty surprising, & kinda cute.

She watches Stefan pick up the necklace & a man purporting to be from the Chicago PD holds up a picture of Klaus & Rebecca & asks does Stefan recognise them. At least he can say honestly that he doesn't. Stefan pockets the necklace & Katherine retreats into the shadows.

Back in the present day, wavy-haired Katherine walks out of the phonebooth & into the streets of Chicago.