Important Life Lessons & an Overabundance of Flashbacks: The Vampire Diaries 3:3 Recap

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries: All this stuff happened, & people sighed a lot.

Currently on The Vampire Diaries, Damon is drinking, because he's a Bad Boy, & also because that's how every episode begins. Why isn't he in a bathtub, you ask? Well, I don't know, but I think this show needs to deliver us extra shirtlessness this episode to make up for him being needlessly fully clothed in this scene.

Damon's phone rings. He gives out to the unknown caller for interrupting his drink, but the caller turns out to be Katherine! She can interrupt his drink any time! For those of you just joining us this season, Katherine is Elena's Evil Vampire Doppelgänger who is also both Damon & Stefan's sire & former lover!

Life Lesson #1: You can always tell the evil doppelgänger from the good because the evil one's got wavy hair.

Damon fills Katherine in on everything that's happened & realises that although he doesn't know where Stefan is right now, Katherine does. She plays all mysterious with Damon but tells him that since Klaus's werepire army didn't quite work out as planned, he is now storming around looking for answers. Damon's not too happy that Katherine seems to be looking out for his brother.

Damon asks Katherine where Stefan is & we cut to Chicago, where Stefan apparently lived during his Ripper days. Somewhere, Rupert Giles is turning in his... chair? Bed? Is there a version of that idiom for people who aren't dead? Klaus has brought Stefan here to re-awaken the beast.

Flashback time!

Flashback #1: The scene is sepia-tinted! Jazz music plays! The cars are old-fashioned! We have arrived in Chicago Of The Past!

Voice-Over Klaus tells us that it is prohibition, where everything's forbidden & therefore so much fun. Stefan is in an old-fashioned car making out with killing a moaning girl. He steals the flower from her hair & puts it in his lapel because he's so smooth. The flashback pauses for the title scene...

... & we're back in prohibition-era Chicago, where Angelus Stefan enters a speakeasy where everybody knows who he is. The pretty jazz singer knows him! The pretty dancing girls know him! Even the pretty Mysterious Blond English Flapper who steals his drink knows him! He doesn't know her, though, hence the "Mysterious." Not letting that stop her, she kisses him, does that veiny face thing that means a vampire's getting all turned on by someone's blood in the vicinity, & informs him that he's still wearing his date. Is this a Vampire Speakeasy?

Before we can find out, the flashback ends & Klaus is reminding Stefan of how magical Chicago was in the Olden Days but Stefan tells him he doesn't remember most of it. That's not what the flashbacks suggest... Nostalgic chitchat over, they get down to business. (Not that kind of business, get your mind out of the gutter!)

Life Lesson #2: Vampires are never gay. Neither are witches, or werewolves, or ghosts. Or humans, for that matter.

Speaking of witches, we're gonna meet a new one! Klaus says that his Favourite Witch is the only one who can help them with their werepire problem. Now, I will bet you a million dollars that this new witch will be the only African-American character introduced so far this season. Because

Life Lesson #3: All African-Americans are witches. All witches are African-American. This has been true for the last two seasons so I don't see why it'd change now.

Back in good old Mystic Falls, emo pop music plays & Elena wakes up to find Damon lying on her bed. At least he's fully clothed. She's not too happy about being woken up at 6am to find her boyfriend's brother in her bed, & you know what, I can totally understand that. Damon is bright-eyed & bushy-tailed & ready to start the Stefan hunt. He tells Elena to start packing but instead rifles through her drawers & pulls out her underwear. Don't you just love that roguish charm?

Meanwhile, in a dark & dank dungeon cell - which there seem to be a lot of in this small town - Caroline calls out to her dad to talk to her. He comes in, but only after having weakened her with vervain gas from the air vents. He wants to know why she can walk in sunlight. Caroline actually believes her clearly evil & even more clearly lying father when he insists that's all he wants to know & that's the only reason he's had her chained to a chair in a cell for the last week, & she shows him her Magical Vampire Sunshine ring. Which he immediately takes off her. Of course. Then he opens the dungeon's secret vampire sunroof & watches her scream.

Later that day, Elena & Damon are on a road trip. Rock music plays, because you can't have emo music on a road trip. Damon has stolen Stefan's old diary from 1922 because he's actually eight years old, but Elena refuses to invade her boyfriend's privacy. Like that'll last. So Damon, ever helpful, & also a very responsible driver, decides to read a selection of entries aloud over the steering wheel. We learn nothing new: Stefan'd black out & wake up with blood on him, in strange places & with (gasp) women he didn't recognise. Elena tells Damon to keep his eyes on the road (thank you Elena!) & begins to read the diary herself. Again we learn nothing new other than the fact that Stefan has ugly handwriting.

Flashback time!

Flashback #2: In the speakeasy in the Olden Days, Stefan is drinking, watched by the Mysterious Blond English Flapper Vampire he sound so intriguing in his diary. Stefan is being a Bad Boy because he's laughing loudly with his drinking buddies & asking MBEFV if he's offending her when she comes over to tell him to pipe down. He really does make ever such a convincing Bad Boy. MBEFV puts him in his place & refuses to tell him her name until he's earned it. She really should tell him soon, because MBEFV isn't exactly the prettiest epithet.

The sepia scene blurs back to modern colour & Present Day Stefan & Klaus look around the now-empty bar that used to be a speakeasy, trying to jog Stefan's memory. But what's this? The bar isn't empty after all! Someone's here - a woman who recognises Klaus! It's the pretty jazz singer from 1922! The only African-American character we've seen all day! She must be the witch!

Klaus says: "Gloria's a very powerful witch" & I'm pretty relieved that I don't owe you all a million dollars. Stefan is sent behind the bar to fix them all some drinks while Klaus & Gloria mull over what could've gone wrong with Klaus's werepire spell. Gloria explains that all spells have loopholes, but with one as old as the werepire spell, she'd have to get in contact with the witch who created it. I'm guessing she doesn't mean on the phone. Klaus confirms this suspicion when he points out that this would be the Original Witch, who just happens to be Very Dead. Gloria says that she can probably get a text message or something out to this Very Dead Original Witch, but only if someone named Rebecca helps her.

That's when Stefan finds a photo of himself up on the wall of the bar. It's black & white, he's wearing a tux & smiling, & his arm is around... a grinning Klaus! Dun dun dunnnnnn...

That's a pretty goofy picture.

Back in Mystic Falls, Caroline's mom (who is also the sheriff, for those who don't remember) is leaving her daughter a voicemail about meeting up for lunch. Someone knocks at the door. She turns around & it's Tyler.

Meanwhile, in the Secret Vampire Dungeon, Caroline is burning & screaming & pleading with her dad to stop. He finally snaps the sunroof shut & explains that he's not actually torturing her, he's trying to cure her. Because that makes sense. He wants her to start associating vampirism with pain, so every time he holds a baggie of blood up to her & she does that veiny face thing, she gets burned. I'm pretty sure this is a metaphor for something but it's early on a Monday morning & I really couldn't be bothered.

In Chicago, Damon & Elena are visiting the apartment Stefan used to live in. It's kind of a dive, which is something Elena notices & comments on, but Damon explains that it's right across the road from what used to be an all-girls school that coincidentally got shut down for attendance issues. Nice. They break into the apartment, which looks like it's been empty for some time, but Damon opens the Secret Pantry Trapdoor (not to be confused with a Secret Panty Trapdoor) & shows Elena Stefan's hidden alcohol & creepy wall covered with a very long list of all his victims. Damon admits that he wasn't exactly a fluffy puppy in the 20s either, but that Stefan "Ripper" Salvatore was far worse. Then he heads out to find his brother, leaving Elena in the creepy apartment to "think up a plan."

Yeah, that'd be my reaction too.

Meanwhile, also in Chicago, Stefan wants to know why he doesn't remember Klaus, &, for that matter, why Klaus never mentioned knowing him before now. Klaus tells Stefan he's far too busy to walk around memory lane with him right now, & that anyway, Past Klaus & Past Stefan never got along (that's not what that photo suggests...) but gives us another flashback anyway. Yay flashbacks!

Flashback #3: Stefan is kissing killing a flapper girl in the neck. Oh my! So is the Mysterious Blond English Flapper Vampire! Oh my oh my! Stefan & MBEFV are sharing a lady! And kissing each other! What a decadent decade the 1920s was! Stefan stops his smooching to admire MBEFV's necklace, & I'm gonna take a screenshot of it right now cause I'm sure it's an Important Plot Point & will come up again shortly.

I must be right, because MBEFV tells Stefan a witch gave it to her & it's supposedly magical.

Life Lesson #4: All jewellery is magical jewellery.

But what's this? A man has come to tear MBEFV away from Stefan! And he's calling her Rebecca! And Rebecca says he'll kill Stefan! It's none other than our favourite Evil English Werepire, Klaus!

Past Klaus thinks Stefan has funny hair too! I like him already, even if he does look much handsomer in the 21st century. Klaus is bored & wants to leave. Rebecca tells him to go without her because she's not his girlfriend but Klaus reminds her that she's his sister! Uh oh! He also says that as she's his sister she has to do as he says. I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.

The sepia fades & we're back in the warehouse (I accidentally typed werehouse & now I can't stop imagining a pack of nice suburban bungalows that transform into a block of tenement flats every full moon) with Present Klaus (who looks so much better than Past Klaus) & Stefan, who reminds us that as Klaus is an Original Vampire (or was before he became a werepire), Rebecca is one too.

Oh! The werehouse ("Raaar! Tenement flats!") is full of coffins! I'm having flashbacks to The Hunger.

At least there are no doves... Klaus opens one of the coffins, & there is our friend MBEFV, aka Rebecca, looking significantly less beautiful than the last time we saw her, which may or may not have something to do with the stake stuck in her heart.

Now, last season we learned (through Elena's trial & error) that you can kill an Original Vampire by staking them through the heart with a Special Magical Dagger, but that if you want the Original Vampire to come back to life - or rather, un-death - like every other bloody character who dies in this show, all you need to do is remove the dagger. Simple as that!

Life Lesson #5: Nobody ever stays bloody well dead!

Klaus removes the dagger. Dun dun dunnnnn...

As it turns out, however, Rebecca's not too rushed about reviving. I think we've just about got time for another flashback!

Flashback #4: Stefan, Rebecca & Klaus are in a bar, because that's clearly all anybody did in the 20s. Klaus is quizzing Stefan about what makes him worthy of his Original Vampire sister. What an elitist! A man with a creepy pencil moustache comes up to their booth wanting to know where his wife is. We're supposed to think she's one of Stefan's victims, but when he calls her she comes up the stairs. Pencil-Face Husband turns to leave but Stefan compels him to sit with them, slits his wife's wrist & fills a wine glass with her blood. Hey, at least it's not a bottle of Bud like last episode.

So, about once an episode (this season, anyway), The Vampire Diaries throws in one genuinely creepy scene amongst all the dramatic emo music. Today, this is that scene. Stefan sends Pencil-Face's wife off to bandage her wrist & compels her horrified husband to drink the whole glass. It's pretty simple, but actually really disturbing. Well done, Vampire Diaries!

Then, in a swish of sepia, we're back to present-day Chicago, where Klaus is leading Stefan back out of the werehouse ("Arroooogh! My bricks are lengthening!"), stopping only to compel the security guard to send Rebecca to Gloria's bar when she revives, & offer himself as a mid-morning snack in the process.

Stefan still isn't sure he can believe Klaus, who claims Stefan trusted him with one of his secrets back in the Olden Days. He's willing to prove this... by taking Stefan to his old apartment. Uh oh!

Back at Gloria's bar, which isn't empty any more, Damon approaches & makes small talk with the witch, who clearly remembers him. Gloria warns Damon that his brother is running with the wrong crowd (although I hardly think Klaus constitutes as a crowd) & that the Evil Duo will be back in the bar later that night.

In Stefan's old apartment, Elena is reading his diary. Told you the respect for his privacy wouldn't last. Again, we learn nothing new: Stefan's awfully emo; Lexie (his pretty blond vampire best friend who was killed by Damon last season when Damon was still the resident Bad Boy) saves him from throwing himself under a train, & soon her newest project is Getting Stefan To Laugh, which clearly doesn't stick if it ever went well, & all in all, for an evil vampire in the 1920s, Stefan's pretty boring. Elena sighs. We're all sighing here, Elena.

Suddenly, she hears voices out in the hall! It's the Evil Duo, one half of whom isn't aware that she's still alive & that that's the reason his whole werepire army experiment failed! What is she going to do?

Klaus throws the door open! He can feel her presence with his Magical Werepire Senses! Elena has hidden behind the Secret Pantry Door. She should've gone with under the bed. She recognises Stefan's voice & gives the Secret Pantry Door a Very Sad Look. Klaus tells Stefan that he'd wondered at the time why Stefan'd asked Pencil-Face Husband's name (Liam Grant, in case you're interested), but after Klaus shared his secret he understood. Oh dear, Elena, you're really not safe behind that Secret Pantry Door!

Klaus explains Stefan's victim-name-writing ritual... and throws open the Secret Pantry Door! He stands aside & Stefan steps in! He moves forward, excruciatingly slow step by excruciatingly slow step... Elena cowers close to the wall... Thankfully, Klaus has decided to explore the rest of the apartment, because Stefan turns the pantry corner & sees Elena & the romantic piano music should really give the game away but Klaus remains oblivious to the soundtrack & Stefan & Elena stare into each other's eyes...

Until Stefan calls out to Klaus to come see what he's found! Stefan how could you? But look, it's okay, he's just taking out a bottle of 1918 single malt whiskey! (It's Klaus's favourite.) Stefan closes the Secret Pantry Door & the Evil Duo go out to find somebody to pair it with.

Slightly later, Elena is still in the apartment, holding a syringe of vervain as protection. Footsteps sound down the corridor... but it's only Damon. Elena gives out to him for having taken an hour to get back after she called him to say she was almost discovered by Klaus. He's feigning indifference but you can tell he really cares because he's doing that weird eye thing he always does when he's being sincere.

Back in the bar, Rebecca still hasn't showed & Stefan wants to know why Klaus is so keen to have him as his wingman. Is it because he tortured innocent people so well? Is it his impeccable taste in button-down shirts? Is it the hair? Is it that Klaus secretly has the hots for him? I think we may find out in another flashback!

Flashback #5: In the Olden Days, Klaus & Stefan are at a bar, because that's all that existed in the 20s, drinking shots, which is exactly what they were doing in the present day, in the same bar! Isn't that clever? Turns out Klaus is really emo in the Olden Days (also, his name is Nick, which is so much less cool than Klaus) & he thinks he's a monster but Stefan persuades him that he's a king. This, Stefan, is just how Evil EnglishWerepires are created. They bond & clap each other on the back & talk about Rebecca who apparently doesn't do anything at half speed. Oo-er.

Stefan tells Klaus he's a good friend & they toast to their undying love droll camaraderie & we return to the present day where they look lovingly into each others' eyes & clink shotglasses to friendship.

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Caroline is still being Not-Tortured by her charming father. He says he cried when he heard she was a vampire but she insists she's learned to adapt & doesn't need to be fixed. It always makes me really uncomfortable when these kinds of homosexuality/vampire comparisons are made (see also True Blood). I mean, the analogy works fine (if unsubtly) in X Men where mutants are just ordinary-but-considered-different kids, but when it comes to vampires who by nature murder people, the comparison becomes a good bit more problematic.

Anyway, Caroline still goes all veiny at the blood baggies & we learn that her dad is actually pretty sympathetic because he's only torturing her so he won't have to kill her. Isn't that nice? Caroline's mom doesn't think so, because she suddenly appears behind Caroline's dad when he leaves the dungeon, & points a gun to his head.

Bill entreats the Caroline's mom to let him continue torturing their daughter, because they love her, but thankfully she's got some sense because she calls Tyler in to break Caroline out & rescue her.

Back at the bar in Chicago, Stefan wants to know how he & Klaus were once so pally when he only remembers him as the werepire jerk (only he uses the word "dick" because he's badass; I'm not badass, so I have to settle for "jerk") who sacrificed his girlfriend to break some stupid curse.

Flashback time again! 

Flashback #6: This time it's a literal flash (I see what you did there...) because someone's taking a picture!

Those old cameras look so cool. Anyway, Stefan & Rebecca are dancing & I seriously covet her dress.

Klaus looks on broodingly until he notices the dramatic screeching music that's beginning to scream. He was a lot more attune to the soundtrack in the 20s. The music is heralding the police! They're shooting the whole place up! Bullets fly! Gin bottles shatter! People scream! Stefan & Rebecca hide behind the bar & notice that they're using wooden bullets! Rebecca gasps: that means He's here! He who?

Klaus downs his drink & marches towards the couple. He pulls Rebecca away but, Cinderella-like, she loses her necklace! Klaus comes back, looks Stefan in the eye & compels him to forget all about him & Rebecca until he tells him otherwise. That's not a very nice thing to do to your bro, Klaus. Stefan looks vaguely dazed & walks away.

Back in the present day, Stefan figures that Klaus & his sister wouldn't need to cover their tracks unless they were running from someone...

Meanwhile, Damon has arrived. He beckons Stefan into the parking lot where Stefan gives out to him for having brought Elena, who is the Key To Everything, to within Klaus's reach. Again. He warns Damon to tell Elena to go home & forget about him. Again. But Elena's standing right behind him so he can tell her himself.

Damon joins Klaus at the bar & they banter a bit before Klaus grabs Damon by the throat. Outside, Elena hugs Stefan & asks him to come home & it's all very sweet until she tries to stab him in the back with the vervain syringe from earlier & he grabs her arm before she can & growls at her that he doesn't want to go home.

Back inside, Klaus is playing pin-the-cocktail-umbrella-on-the-vampire & Damon's trying to convince him to take him on as his wingman instead of Stefan. Klaus is having none of it, & tries to stake Damon but Gloria sets the stake on fire with her magic witchy powers because she disapproves of murder in her bar.

In the parking lot, Stefan & Elena & the increasingly dramatic music are having a Moment. Stefan explains that he has left a string of bodies from Florida to Tennessee (which sounds like it could be the name of a Country & Western song) & that Elena can't save him the way Lexie did in the 20s because it took him thirty years to get himself together & that's half Elena's life. The music builds & builds & he totally pulls an Edward-in-New-Moon on her & says he doesn't want to be with her any more & that part of his life is over & he doesn't love her so there.

Life Lesson #6: Girls never, ever see through the whole "pretending I don't love you to protect you" act. Ever.

Dramatic Music is Dramatic.

A little later on, in the car, Elena is fingering the necklace Stefan gave her in Season 1, which looks surprisingly familiar... She is Very Very sad & doesn't want to talk about it so Damon just drives them home. There'll be no roadtrip rock music this time around.

And now it's time for another Deep & Meaningful emo pop song closing scene!

This week's Sad Song is even sadder than usual, & seems to be about sheltering & hiding away & Caroline's mom gives her a baggie of blood & tucks her into bed & tells her that her dad will come around. Tyler comes in & gets into bed with her & Caroline cries because her dad hates her & the song is about making things better. Cut to the werehouse ("Raaaargh! I'm really craving some staircases right now!") where Klaus approaches his sister's coffin to find it empty, with the bloody corpse of the security guard beside it, & the sad song switches to Scary String-section Music & Rebecca appears in front of Klaus, stabs him with the Special Magical Dagger & tells him to go to hell.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Deep & Meaningful Emo Pop Closing Scene to bring you a flashback! 

Flashback #7: This time, the flash is those old-fashioned headlights you get on old-fashioned cars. Rebecca is outside the bar, waiting for Stefan. The Werepire Formerly Known as Nick tells her that he'd have gotten them caught & to forget him but Rebecca doesn't want to run any more because she's in love. NickKlaus (ohhh, I get it, like Nicholas! Nick, Klaus, it's actually the same name! I'm so smart) tells her to choose between him & Stefan & she chooses Stefan but Klaus doesn't like that too much so he stabs her with the Special Magical Dagger.

Back in the present, we quickly discover that the Special Magical Dagger doesn't work on werepires. Because that would just be too easy. Klaus gets that Rebecca might be a tad ticked off at having been shut up in a coffin for almost a century, so he brings Stefan in & compels him to remember her again. Flashback montage ensues! (I think a Flashback Montage counts as two flashbacks, but we'll just call it Flashback #8.)

Stefan now remembers that he & Klaus are friends, & Klaus tells Rebecca the real reason they're all together again: Gloria says Rebecca has something she needs to contact the Original Witch. Rebecca reaches to her throat... but her necklace isn't there! Uh oh, we know who has it!

Back in Mystic Falls, Damon is drinking, again, while on the phone to Katherine, again. He tries to guess where she's calling from (Spain is his hunch) but she won't tell him.

What's this? Another flashback? Don't you think we've had enough flashbacks for one episode? 

Flashback #9: (Seriously? Nine?) We're back at the bar, & the Chicago PD are cleaning the mess up, because they didn't have cleaning staff back in those days. Or maybe they killed them all. Anyway. The necklace is still on the ground where it fell & a woman's heels clack into the frame, &, unsurprisingly, it's Katherine. Only she's wearing her hair in a bob, which is pretty surprising, & kinda cute.

She watches Stefan pick up the necklace & a man purporting to be from the Chicago PD holds up a picture of Klaus & Rebecca & asks does Stefan recognise them. At least he can say honestly that he doesn't. Stefan pockets the necklace & Katherine retreats into the shadows.

Back in the present day, wavy-haired Katherine walks out of the phonebooth & into the streets of Chicago.

Banned Books Week

It's Banned Books Week this week, so here's a nifty little overview of the top 10 challenged books in 2010 & a list of seventeen banned books you probably read as a child & the reasons why they were banned. Here are a few excerpts:

Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer

Challenged for: Inappropriate themes, explicit sexuality and offensive language.

(I'm sorry, explicit sexuality? Offensive language? Have they *read* this book?)

Position on American Library Association List Of Banned Books 2010: #10

His Dark Materials series by Philip Pullman

Challenged for: Anti-religious/Christian propaganda; main characters drink and imbibe drugs (poppy).

Position on American Library Association List Of Banned Books 2000-2009: #8

The Hunger Games series by Susanne Collins

Challenged for: Being inappropriate for age group; desensitising children to murder; encouraged violence as entertainment; drug use.

Position on American Library Association List Of Banned Books 2010: #5

Harry Potter series by JK Rowling

Challenged for: Promoting witchcraft; main character has no moral story arc.

("Promoting witchcraft"? I think "Characters engage in the unsafe practice of flying brooms without helmets" would be more appropriate.)

Position on American Library Association List Of Banned Books 2000-2009: #1

I think it's really interesting that so many of the top 100 most challenged books in the last decade are young adult texts. It's like the Wall Street Journal article that caused such a ruckus a few months ago because it claimed that all young adult fiction was dark & damaging to teenage readers. If parents really think that if their children don't read about Bad Things then Bad Things won't happen to them, then they've clearly forgotten what it was like to be a child.

Reading about Bad Things doesn't make Bad Things happen, & nor does it make young people do Bad Things. I mean, I clearly grew up as an entirely disreputable, profane, sexually promiscuous satanic witchy wizard with acute religious uncertainty who is disrespectful to adults, sunbathes with her breasts partially exposed & who can't tell fantasy from reality, so you shouldn't take me as an example. Also I have no moral story arc & death is central to my plot. Hmm... Maybe the book banners have a point.

I can laugh about this because I was always encouraged to read anything I could get my hands on, & was quite heartened to discover that a good chunk of the list of banned literary classics I've read I studied in secondary school. But I know that other people aren't so lucky, & a lot of young readers are being denied certain books because the adults around them feel they're inappropriate, which I think is a great pity. I mean, I think the world could use a few more rebellious, disrespectful witches & wizards who don't wear helmets when playing Quidditch, but maybe that's just me.

Important Life Lessons & Counting Sighs: The Vampire Diaries 3:2 Recap

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: all this stuff happened, & dramatic music played.

Once upon a time in Mystic Falls...

Damon puts pins in a map taped up on his wall as the news plays in the background, reminding us that his fake compelled girlfriend has been murdered. Although the news thinks it's either an accident or a suicide.

Life Lesson #1: Small vampire-infested towns are always oblivious to said vampire infestation. I mean, a couple students died in Sunnydale every day, & people's throats are getting ripped out all over Mystic Falls but no one seems to notice.

Elena has noticed, amazingly, & has put two & two together, & visits Damon because he's been dodging her calls. She wishes he'd told her about his dead fake compelled girlfriend but he says he didn't want to say anything because it was Elena's birthday. Which was so very happy anyway. Thank you, Damon!

Elena tells Damon that Stefan called her last night & that she got the sheriff to trace the call to Tennessee but Damon insists that Stefan is gone now "& not just geographically." He's doing that weird eye thing, so you know he means it.

Later that morning, somewhere that is not Elena's couch, Alaric is sleeping strategically shirtless. (You know, the kind of shirtless that doesn't have the covers pulled up, the kind that looks like he went to bed in his clothes but not his shirt). Also the button of his trousers isn't done up. Fangirls swoon.

(I have no idea what happened to Alaric's head in this screencap, but I'm just going to leave it as it is if that's okay.)

Elena is making the rounds this morning. She wants to know what Alaric knows about Stefan & Tennessee, because she Has Faith, not like Damon, & believes that Tortured Soul Stefan still exists inside Bad Boy Stefan's vertical-hair-topped body. Alaric plays the mentor card & tells Elena to stay out of it because it's not safe for her. He says Stefan's Off the Rails which just makes me think of a vampire-themed makeover show.

(That's a very Irish reference, sorry.)

Elena knows that Stefan would never give up on her, so she's never going to give up on him & I think we should start counting how many times Alaric sighs heavily every episode. So far, he's sighed twice.

Alaric sighs heavily (Sigh Count: 3) & finally tells Elena what she wants to know.

We then rejoin Stefan & Klaus in the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee where Klaus is teasing Stefan about his brooding (thank you, Klaus!) & the whole scene looks like something out of Brokeback Mountain except that Stefan is carrying a dead werewolf across his shoulders.

The evil duo bicker good-naturedly for another few minutes before coming across the werewolf pack they've been looking for. A werewolf pack looks kind of like a very civilised music festival.

They drop the dead werewolf's body in the middle of the camp ground & About To Be An Important Character werewolf girl (you can tell she's about to become an important character because she's pretty & she looks like a cross between Elena & Anna, who was Jeremy's dead vampire girlfriend last season) crouches over his body & asks the evil duo to explain themselves.

Dramatic music plays. Klaus says: "My name is Klaus" & the music gets even more dramatic. I wish that happened whenever I introduced myself. About To Be An Important Character werewolf girl gasps because Klaus is The Hybrid (you know, like the title of the episode?) & the werewolves have heard of The Hybrid. Dun dun dunnnnnn...

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler's mom is pouring herself a brandy & picking up one of the darts she used to shoot Caroline. (Shouldn't she already have gotten rid of the evidence?) She pours the contents of the dart into the coffee pot as Tyler bounds downstairs in happy morning-after-sex oblivion. She watches carefully as Tyler pours himself some coffee & tells him that Caroline sneaked out "like a prostitute" that morning. Tyler is a little surprised but not too put out by the fact that his vampire girlfriend allegedly sneaked out. Mostly he doesn't seem to mind that his mom knows he had a girl over, & minds even less that she's comparing said girl to a prostitute.

Is this the kind of look you'd give your mother in this situation?

Anyway. Tyler takes a large gulp of coffee, makes a face, & tells his mom the grain must be bad. His mom heaves an audible sigh of relief. Then Tyler leaves, informing his mother that Caroline is not a prostitute. Which is sort of like standing up for her.

When he's gone, Tyler's mom phones someone called Bill, & tells him she's gotten herself into a bit of a vampire situation.

We now go to Mystic Grill, the only eatery in town, where Matt ups the topless male count this episode to two. Only two? I suppose we're only seven minutes in.

Life Lesson #2: American boys are all thin, white & ridiculously muscled. It must be true if it's in The Vampire Diaries.

Jeremy wants to talk to Matt about the conversation they had last night, but Matt says the whole night was kind of a blur. Remember, they were going wild & smoked a joint! Then they had a heart-to-heart while giggling & eating ice-cream, because, remember, wild! He wants to talk to Matt about it & not his Good Witch Girlfriend Bonnie because he's worried what she mightn't like to know that since she brought him back from the dead he's been seeing the ghosts of his dead vampire ex-girlfriends. Which is kind of understandable.

Jeremy has Googled ghosts & shows Matt a pristine manilla folder of printed out information, because teenage boys totally do that in real life. He wants to make contact with Vicky's ghost.

Matt is reluctant at first, & thinks that Jeremy is messing with him, but they call each other "man" a few times & Matt comes around.

Meanwhile, detective Elena is continuing her rounds. Now, she's quizzing Tyler about werewolf behaviour. Tyler explains that when it's his time of the month, he chains himself up in his basement (kinky!) but says that not all werewolves are into bondage, & they prefer to roam wild & free in deserts or state parks or mountains like the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee, for example, which he shows Elena on Google Maps on her iPhone.

Life Lesson #3: Werewolves these days are so tech-savvy.

At the other end of the bar, Alaric is drinking coffee. (Hold on a second, you mean they're not at Mystic Grill? You mean there's another place to hang out in Mystic Falls? It's a veritable metropolis now!) Elena comes over to him & proposes they go on a hike. Alaric can't believe that she wants to go chasing after a pack of werewolves on the full moon. Elena insists that they'll be well out of the Smoky Mountains by the time the moon is full, which of course they totally will...

Life Lesson #4: When you're chasing werewolves, there'll always be a full moon. And no, you won't get out of the mountains before it rises.

Alaric sighs (Sigh Count: 4). This time, I don't blame him.

Back in the Brokeback Smoky Mountains, Dead Flannel Werewolf has dramatically come back to life! Stefan faces the festival-goers werewolf pack & asks if any of them are human.

Life Lesson #5 Never admit to being human.

Klaus tells About To Be An Important Character werewolf girl that her options are a) join him, or b) die, & she says she'd rather b) than be a vampire.

Life Lesson #6: Never say you'd rather die than do something. It'll always end badly.

In this case, it ends with Klaus forcing her to drink his blood & then killing her & telling the other werewolves that she'll thank him for that later. Cause that's just the kind of swell fella Klaus is.

Back in our favourite eatery, Tyler is playing pool & Matt is serving him coffee. Tyler is a little concerned because he hasn't heard from Caroline all day, but Matt doesn't want to talk to him because Caroline's his ex & he doesn't like that she & Tyler are friends. Good thing he doesn't know about the horny vampire-werewolf sexual relations. Still, Matt is a Nice Guy & remembers that tonight is the full moon -

Life Lesson #7: Everyone in America automatically knows when it's the full moon.

- & that Caroline usually helps Tyler with his furry little problem on a full moon. Matt awkwardly offers to help Tyler himself but Tyler's a big werewolf now & says he can handle it. He also says the coffee tastes horrible & Matt explains that the sheriff makes him slip vervain into all the drinks every now & again. Tyler is shocked to discover that this is what vervain tastes like. He's realised that his mother put vervain in his coffee this morning!

We cut straight back to Tyler's house where his mom is entertaining the mysterious Bill. She pours herself another brandy & explains that she doesn't want to get her hands dirty but Bill reminds her that Caroline is a vampire now & Tyler's mom has gotta do what she's gotta do.

Back in the Big Rocky Candy Smoky Mountains we discover that Alaric & Elena made it to Tennessee in record time, because America is a tiny place. We also discover that Alaric is a boy scout turned vampire hunter turned whiskey-drinking Lost Cause. (Sigh Count: 4) If he weren't so emo, Alaric'd be pretty awesome. I mean, check out his Slayers Backpack:

Alaric gives Elena a wolfsbane grenade & Elena gives Alaric her dead biological father's ring (Sigh Count: 5) that used to belong to Alaric too somehow, & that will protect him from anything supernatural. I'm sorry, but magical Supernatural Protection Rings are just a cop-out. Also, they're ugly.

We also learn that Supernatural Protection Rings don't work on Elena because she's a doppelgänger (long story, one that'll probably come up again at a later date but I don't think we need to worry about it for this episode) which is also a cop-out.

Then, suddenly, Damon appears & throws Elena into the lake. Like a boss.

Good thing she was already changed into her bathing suit. (Why was she wearing a bathing suit to chase down some werewolves? We may never know.) Elena is Very Angry that Alaric sold her out to Damon but Alaric thinks she was crazy to believe he'd take her into a mountain range to chase werewolves on a full moon without backup. Also, he & Damon are now bros.

Meanwhile, Klaus & Too-Cool-For-School Stefan have infected & killed all the werewolves so that they can come back to life as hybrids. The hapless human they identified earlier is still alive - just about - but won't be when all the werewolf-vampire hybrids (Vampolfs? Werepires?) wake up craving blood. Every time one of them drains him Klaus uses his magical blood to bring the human back to life to be drained by the next werepire. Which is actually pretty creepy, well done again Vampire Diaries.

Klaus & Stefan chat about Klaus's Master Plan to create an army of werepire soldiers while Flannel Werepire completes his transformation. But look, something's wrong! Flannel Werepire is bleeding from his eyes! This wasn't part of the plan!

Life Lesson #8: That's never part of the plan.

Back at the other side of the forest, Elena is refusing to get out of the water because she knows when she does Damon will make her go home. Because Damon loves treating women like they're children. Instead, Damon wades into the water with her & tells her that she's being stupid because Klaus thinks she died when the curse was broken last season so just walking up to him in the middle of the mountains might be a tad unwise. Elena doesn't care - she hasn't been this close to Stefan since he left & she's not leaving without him. Damon is swayed by Elena's wet hair & bathing-suited proximity & agrees to find to Stefan before the full moon comes up. Because that's totally how it's going to happen.

At the werewolf camp, Flannel Werepire is still crying blood & the other hybrids are beginning to wake up. Suddenly, Flannel Werepire jumps up & runs away through the trees! He parcours over rocks! He bounds between trees! He turns somersaults! He's a veritable circus act! Stefan runs after him & tackles him to the ground, but Flannel Werepire bites his arm! Remember, werewolf bites are fatal to vampires! Exclamation marks!

Stefan's about to run after him when his Super-Sensitive Vampire Ears pick up the sweet sweet sound of Damon & Elena bickering. He sees them across the hill through the trees & looks particularly tortured for a while until Klaus comes up behind him & he rapidly switches back to regularly tortured.

Stefan quickly leads Klaus away from the hillside & tells him Flannel Werepire got away. But Klaus says he won't heal Stefan's werewolf bite with his Magic Hybrid Blood until Stefan finds the werepire & brings him back. In the camp, all the new werepires are now crying blood. See Life Lesson #8.

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler confronts his mom about the vervain-laced coffee. She admits she knows that Carloline's a vampire but won't tell Tyler where she is. She tells him he can't be with Caroline because she's a monster but she doesn't know that Tyler is a monster too!

Meanwhile in the Forbidden Smoky Mountains, the sun is about to set & our vampire-hunting trio are still in the forest, because of course. A figure emerges from between the trees, & it's Flannel Werepire, because of course. He attacks Damon, because of course. Elena throws Damon the wolfsbane grenade & Damon wolfsbanes Flannel Werepire's face off. Poor Flannel Werepire, he didn't ask for any of this.

Back in Mystic Falls, Matt is showing Jeremy Vicky's old stuff in his attic. They're looking for personal items to communicate with Vicky's ghost. Matt finds a picture of him & Vicky as kids & gets upset & bails on Jeremy's ghosthunt & asks him to leave. Jeremy shuts the door behind him & the attic gets real dark. You can tell the ghosts are coming because of the eerie music, & the fact that the photo Matt put face-down on a chest is now standing up again. That's generally a dead giveaway. (Gettit, dead giveaway? I'll go stand over here now.)

In the mountains, the trio have tied poor Flannel Werepire to a tree. They've used all their vervain on the ropes, which is definitely not going to come back to haunt them. Suddenly, Flannel Werepire begins to change! But it's still daylight! The ropes will never hold the wolf! Elena finally sees sense & says that they need to get out of these mountains - now!

Back at Base Camp Werepire, the new hybrids are all looking a lot like zombies. Nearby, the vampire hunting trio are finally running away, but Elena trips & falls.

Life Lesson #9: When running away, girls always trip & fall.

Damon yells at her not to move; she looks up & there's a CGI wolf right in front of her face! Don't you just hate it when that happens?

Damon calls the doggie's attention & runs away as fast as his super-fast vampire legs can carry him, to lure the wolf away from Elena. Unfortunately, now that means that Elena & Alaric are down a vampire. Elena wants to go back & help Damon but Alaric yells at her & they wisely continue their running away. Chekov's Moon rises.

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler is bringing his mom down into his kinky werewolf bondage dungeon. As you do. He locks her in a cage (for her own protection, of course) & he ties himself up just in time to start changing & show his mom what kind of monster he really is.

In the Misty Smoky Mountains, Damon is fighting with Flannel Werepire & trying very hard not to get bitten. Just as the werepire is about to sink his teeth into Damon's neck, Stefan appears! He clobbers the werepire on the back of the head with a rock - how would that even work? - oh, no, that's not a rock, & he didn't clobber him & that wasn't the back of his head. He totally just ripped his heart out with his bare hands. Nice.

Okay, I have to admit this is pretty cool.

Damon calmly says "fancy meeting you here" by way of thanks & Stefan gives out to him for continuing to follow him. Damon tells him that if he doesn't want to be followed she should stop crank-calling his girlfriend in the middle of the night. Fair enough, Damon. Stefan says that Elena needs to forget about him because he's never coming home (yeah, right) & charges Damon with keeping Elena there. Because there's nothing like conspiring with your brother to watch over the woman you love's every move.

Said woman is currently waiting in a car with Alaric, voicing her frustration at having to wait in a car. Also, is a parked car really the safest place to wait? Can't hybrid werepires break through steel? Ignoring this, Elena & Alaric have a heart to heart about Being Lost & not having a family & needing to stick together. Yawn. (Sigh Count: I'm not gonna lie, I lost count after 5.) Finally Damon reappears & manhandles Elena back into the car when she comes out to make sure he's okay. Stefan watches from the top of the hill with a vaguely tortured expression. Stefan's expressions range from vaguely tortured to especially tortured but don't seem to stray from the tortured spectrum.

Elena thinks she sees something up on the hilltop but by the time the camera pans back, Stefan is gone. Elena is Very Sad. It's like tortured, but for humans. Tortured Lite.

Back in Mystic Falls, Matt calls to Jeremy's house to apologise for having bailed on the ghost hunt. He brings over some beers & a bag full of Vicky's personal stuff. They talk about not remembering their last moments with Vicky & suddenly Vicky's right there behind them. Matt can neither see nor hear her & asks Jeremy to translate her ghost-speak but Jeremy doesn't know quite how to tell him his sister believes they can help her return from the dead. Again.

Life Lesson #10: Nobody. Ever. Stays. Dead.

Suddenly, a window smashes! And Anna appears! And she tells Jeremy not to trust Vicky! Whatever will happen next?

Next, we cut back to the forest, where Stefan returns to Klaus with a twice-dead Flannel Werepire over his shoulders. His werewolf bite stings something fierce. Klaus is upset because his werepire army is all dead. I guess that werewolf girl wasn't About To Be An Important Character after all. I guess there are no male characters left for her to be the love interest of. Klaus smashes some beer bottles & yells at the sky, because that's what werepires do when they're upset. He runs through all the things he was told to do to be able to turn werewolves into werepires & realises that the only thing that could've gone wrong is if he hadn't properly killed the doppelgänger. (Silly Klaus, don't you know by now that nobody actually dies in this show?) Uh oh, now Klaus knows that Elena is still alive! Will he refuse to heal Stefan's werewolf bite? For a moment it looks like will... but then he tears a chunk out of his hand & bleeds into a bottle of Bud & hands it to Stefan. Stay classy, Klaus.

And now it's time for another Deep & Meaningful emo pop song closing scene!

In this week's scene the song is about there not being anyone around & not hearing a sound & Stefan downs the beer bottle of blood & follows Klaus through the corpse-strewn camp ground. Cut to Elena's house where Damon is brooding by the curtains & the song is about not knowing where the world is & missing you now. He tells Elena that she was right & Tortured Stefan hasn't been lost to his vertical-haired alter-ego. He says Stefan can be saved because he didn't let Damon die & the song is about being on the edge & screaming your name. Damon confronts Elena about having uncharacteristically let him lead her away from the forest that night despite not having found Stefan & she confesses that she did it because she didn't want to see him get hurt. She asks why he needs her to say that she worries about him & Damon takes her face in his hands & tells her that when he brings his brother back he wants her to remember everything she felt while he was gone. They stare into each other's eyes & the song is about shadows & just wanting to feel alive. Alaric comes up the stairs with a suitcase to move into an actual bedroom this time & witnesses the sexual tension. He asks Elena if she knows what she's doing & she says that no, she doesn't, & the song is all about echoes.

Cut to Tyler's werewolf bondage room where he wakes up naked & his mom is watching him from the floor of the cage (which isn't creepy at all) & she tells him she'll take care of it & will make sure nothing happens to Caroline & the song goes all instrumental because this is a Very Touching Moment.

Then we fade out to this week's post-emo-pop-song-dramatic-montage cliffhanger scene. Tyler's mom has called Bill to entreat him to let Caroline go & to suggest that maybe they've been wrong about vampires simply being monsters, but he's having none of it because his family have been hunting vampires for 150 years. He hangs up on her & she puts her head in her hands.

Cut to a cell somewhere where Caroline is waking up chained to a chair. She calls out for Tyler's mom but there's nobody there. Suddenly, she hears a sound. Someone's coming! She gets scared. A Dark Figure approaches. The cell door opens & Bill steps inside. The dramatic music builds & builds & builds until Caroline looks up & says: "Daddy?"

Dun dun dunnnnn...

A Very Sad Song for a Very Sad Scene

Do you know what's been in my head for the last week? That's right, the dramatic emo pop song that played over the dramatic last scene of last week's Vampire Diaries. So I'm sharing it here so you can all suffer with me. I think it bears mentioning that my Youtube search directed me to SadSongChannel1. Enjoy.

(Disclaimer: I actually quite enjoy emo pop songs, but am very happy to make fun of them at the same time. Especially if they feature on The Vampire Diaries.)

Important Life Lessons & Every Cliché in the Book: The Vampire Diaries 3:1 Recap

I'm a couple days late with this because I was busy fetching a rescue kitten & assorted kitten paraphernalia with my family-in-law for my sister-in-law's birthday (I realise I'm not married yet, but it's much easier to say "sister-in-law" than "my friend & ex-housemate who is also my fiancé’s older brother's girlfriend") but fear not, if by some chance or unfortunate trick of fate you didn't see the first episode of the new series of The Vampire Diaries last Thursday, boy are you in for a treat. I have recapped the entire episode in all its glory just so you don't have to watch it! See how nice I am?

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Elena is the main character! Stefan & Damon are vampire brothers! They are both in love with her! Damon is Crazy & Impulsive; he's the Bad Boy with a heart of gold! Stefan mostly mopes.

Klaus is the bad guy! He's a vampire born of werewolf blood! Werewolf bites are fatal to vampires but Caroline (who is a blond vampire & Elena's friend) is totally dating a werewolf! This one time, a werewolf bit Damon & he would've died but Klaus's blood is the antidote to werewolf bites & he let Damon have some on the condition that Stefan leave home & come with him on his Evil Mission to create an army of vampire-werewolf hybrids! Are you confused yet? No? Okay, let's go!

Cliché count #1: horror film opening scene cliché! It's night. Scantily-Clad Blonde Girl's dog hasn't come home. She looks for him in the garden, complaining of the heat. ("See, feminist viewers? That's why I'm scantily clad. You would be too if you lived in this town. Don't be so quick to judge.") A tall, dark, handsome stranger approaches her. His car broke down a few miles away. His phone battery is dead. He needs to call a garage.

Okay. Let's revisit some of the previous Life Lessons we learned in the last two seasons. Life Lesson #1: If someone asks to be invited into your house, they are a vampire. Don't let them in.

Thankfully, Scantily-Clad With Good Reason Blonde Girl (whose handle is getting a bit long at this point) reads this blog, & has taken my lessons to heart. Also, she's from Florida. Country people are trusting; people from Florida know the score.

Life Lessons from Florida Girl: If a stranger says his car has broken down & his cell phone's out of battery & he asks to use your phone, don't let him in the house, bring the phone out to him instead. He's only saying he's not a serial killer because he's a vampire. Unfortunately, vampires have magic mesmerising eyes & you're going to end up inviting him into your house anyway where he will threaten you & your housemate until you tell him where your often-absent werewolf housemate is & then he'll get his friend to kill you both. Kinda makes you wonder why he even bothered with the car-breaking-down story in the first place.

Life Lesson #3: If it's nighttime & your dog hasn't come home yet, just leave him outside. He can come back inside in the morning.

The friend I mentioned in the last paragraph is none other than our favourite tortured teenage vampire, the mopey-eyed, vertical-haired Stefan Salvatore! In this season, Stefan is evil. You can tell the second he walks in the door because his hair is more vertical than it was last season & he looks more constipated than mopey. 

He's like a cross between Jedward & Edward Cullen.

You can also tell he's evil because he's running around with Evil English Klaus & killing innocent girls. But it's mostly the hair.

One thing I like about this show is that it doesn't have a theme tune or an opening sequence. You just get the title on the screen, dripping a few drops of blood in case you didn't understand what "vampire" means, & then it's right back into the action with a nice, popular indie/emo song.

In this scene, we reconnect with our main character, Elena, & her little brother Jeremy as they wake up & set about their days, staring mournfully into the distance at regular intervals to remind us that they may seem like normal teenagers but they're Been Through A Lot.

Caroline the Once-Annoying, who is now a vampire like all the other vampires walking about in sunlight, meeting up with their werewolf boyfriends, shopping & talking to their bffs on the phone, fills Elena in on all the local "animal attack" deaths that may be the handiwork of her boyfriend. Most importantly, though, she's planning her a party. It's a birthday party. It's her birthday party. Happy birthday darling. We love you very very very very very very very much. </Bright Eyes reference - hey, it seemed fitting>

Elena & Alaric (her history teacher come now-dead-vampire-aunt's boyfriend, who has been living on her couch all summer) talk about the possibility of Stefan being dead vs being with Klaus & killing people left right & centre, & Alaric wishes Elena a happy birthday & Elena heads out. We know it's not going to be a happy birthday, after the first part of the conversation.

Meanwhile, Damon is lying in a bubble bath, drinking champagne. Because Damon knows what being a vampire's really about. He finishes the bottle & tells his compelled journalist girlfriend to get him more. She tells him he can get it himself because she's not his slave, which is funny because as she's being magically mesmerised to be with him against her will, she kind of is. But Damon fetches his own champagne, because there's only room for one Bad Boy vampire in this series, & his brother's vertical hair has currently got that covered.

Cliché count #2: Rom-com cliché! Elena comes in & bumps into Damon, who is naked but for bubble-bath suds! She covers her eyes & throws him a towel & he smirks & I should make a list of films in which the accidentally-walking-in-on-someone-naked-because-they-can't-be-bothered-with-towels-after-showers trope features. Does that even happen in real life? If it has happened to you, please, share your stories! And next time you get out of the shower, put on a towel.

In this scene, we learn that Stefan's been AWOL for two months, & that the Sheriff has given Elena & Damon all the leads she can but they've all been dead ends. We also learn that Ian Somerhalder still does that weird thing with his eyes that I think means he's trying to look sincere.

Back in town, Jeremy is at work at Mystic Grill, which is apparently the only eatery in town & also the only place any of the characters ever work. He's having a video call with his Good Witch Girlfriend, Elena's best friend Bonnie. She makes the mistake of telling him that a summer job is good for him because he needs some normal in his life.

Life Lesson #4: Supernatural creatures all have an inbuilt sensor that can pick up phrases like "you need a bit of normal in your life" or "it's a good thing everything's back to normal now" spoken at any volume within a fifty mile radius.

The lights in the stock room flash: a ghost approaches! It's Jeremy's Drugged-Up-Party-Girl-Turned-Vampire now-staked ex-girlfriend, Vicky! But in another flash of stock room light, she's gone. Jeremy is understandably shaken. He bends down to pick up another box when his other staked-vampire-turned-ghost ex-girlfriend, Anna, appears! She reaches out to touch him but at that very moment Matt (for those who don't remember, Matt is Vampire Caroline's ex & Vampire-Turned-Ghost Vicky's brother) appears to call him to wait tables. Phew!

Life Lesson #5: Avoid dating too many dead vampire chicks. They'll invariably come back to haunt you.

Caroline & Werewolf Tyler (who used to be a jock jerk who slept with Matt's mother but is now a Nice Guy because it turns out he wasn't really being a jerk because he was a werewolf all along, which totally makes sense) are having lunch at Mystic Grill, because there's nowhere else to eat in this town. They're not actually boyfriend & girlfriend (yet) but their parents think they are & secretly they totally want to be.

Meanwhile, in a bar in another small town, Klaus has found his werewolf. You can tell he's a werewolf because he has facial hair & is wearing a check shirt. Stefan shows the werewolf how badass he is by ordering Scotch on the rocks & threatening him with a wolfsbane drinking game.

The following day, Alaric & Damon arrive at Scantily-clad-but-now-dead Blond Girl's beautiful white house.

Seriously, isn't it just beautiful? Damon doesn't want Elena to know they're following leads but Alaric doesn't like keeping things secret, which is understandable seen how well keeping secrets worked for him last season.

Inside the beautiful white house, things are quiet... Too quiet. The dead girls are sitting on the couch, covered in blood, & Damon recognises their deaths as Stefan's handiwork because they are torn apart limb from limb & put neatly back together, & "there's a reason he used to be called the Ripper." Not cool, Vampire Diaries. You do not steal Rupert Giles' nickname for a stupid mopey vampire. Shame on you!

Back in Mystic Falls, Elena knows Damon's holding out on her. (For leads on Stefan, don't be dirty!) Tyler thinks Damon doesn't want to find his brother because he's in love with Elena & that his head's a bit messed up because Elena kissed him that one time when she thought he was going to die. Elena doesn't like Tyler's hypothesis.

Uh-oh, Caroline isn't happy because Tyler's bringing a date to the party. Slutty Sophie is the name of his date, but he doesn't mind Caroline calling her that because he's only taking her because it's been "kinda slow in that department lately" & because he's a werewolf now he's horny all the time. Poor Sophie's really got herself a great guy there.

But Caroline's horny too! She tells Tyler it's a Vampire Thing & he explains that his horniness is a Werewolf Thing & yay bonding over mutual horniness that leads to unresolved sexual tension!

Back at the Pretty White House Alaric & Damon are burning the evidence of Stefan's crimes (Nooo! Not the Pretty White House!) where they discover a Secret Werewolf Trapdoor. Now they know why Stefan & Klaus were snooping about!

Meanwhile, in the bar in the other small town, the evil duo are torturing the werewolf, by using him as a dartboard, for information on his pack. The other occupants of the bar are compelled not to notice the blood & screams, & seeing them go about their evening in the background is actually pretty creepy. Well done, Vampire Diaries! Klaus knows that Damon's on their trail & wants to kill him, but Stefan would prefer go himself & make sure his brother doesn't bother them again. See, he's still a good guy underneath the evil hair!

In Mystic Falls, Elena is getting dressed for the party & being sad. Damon gives Elena a necklace she thought she'd lost to go with the dress. This makes her a bit happier.

Cliché count #3: Romance cliché! Man gives a necklace to the woman he loves; she brushes aside her hair & asks him to tie it for her. In romance films, girls don't know how to tie their own necklaces.

Cliché count #4: High School film cliché! Good Girl's best friend throws her a party & says "of course" when Good Girl asks that it be a small party. Resulting party is a kegger!

Yay drunk extras! True story: I was once a drunk extra in a TV show. It was a lot of fun. You have to dance to no music & take off your shoes in case the boom mic picks up the noise of your heels.

Jeremy & Matt are out of control! You can tell because they're lighting up a joint. They commiserate over their hard lives. Jeremy wins the Dramatic Life Story award by virtue of seeing dead girlfriends.

Meanwhile, in the news studio, Damon's compelled girlfriend is on the phone. You can tell she works in TV because she says things like "can we do this in the AM? I have a party to go to." She is the last person leaving & almost all the lights are out. Do you think it may be time for a cliché?

Cliché count #5: Horror movie cliché! Blond Woman is the last person left in the building! Almost all the lights are out. It's up to her to lock up. Suddenly, a light turns on! She says "hello?" about twelve times. She asks who's there. She says it's not cool/funny when no one answers. She begins to get scared. She hears footsteps. She says "hello?" a few more times. Suddenly, she starts to run. She falls over. A Dark Figure approaches...

It would appear that Stefan's method of getting his brother out of his hair is by going after his girlfriend. Because that's original.

Back at the keg party, Caroline is drinking rum from the bottle & watching Tyler dance with Slutty Sophie. When they come up to her, Caroline compels Sophie to leave the party & Tyler pretends not to understand why.

Damon gets a call from his "fake compelled girlfriend" (Alaric's words this time, not mine) & goes to rescue her. Elena & Caroline are both hiding in Damon's bedroom - Caroline because she needs a baggie of human blood & Elena because she's too busy being sad to party. She's Super Sad because everyone just wants her to get on with her life & eat birthday cake & stuff & she just wants to find her homicidal moping boyfriend. That's when she finds Damon's Secret Stash of Clues! She figures out that Damon's been tracking Stefan without her!

Meanwhile, the Damon in question arrives at the news studio to find his fake compelled girlfriend & finds his brother instead. Stefan wants Damon to let him go & when Damon says he can't do that because of Elena, Stefan compels Damon's now twice-compelled girlfriend to jump off the light rigging to her death. Stefan thinks this is kinda cool. Now, we all know that vampire blood has Super Healing Powers & that it has brought at least six characters back from the dead so far, but Fake Compelled Girlfriend isn't an important enough character for this to even cross Damon's mind. Instead, he bends over her body & looks slightly put out as dramatic music plays.

Back at the party, Matt & Jeremy are getting ready to drive home. If there's one thing I've learned from watching shows like Gilmore Girls & The Vampire Diaries it's that Americans all drink & drive. Maybe this is true. I don't know. I do know that neither of these kids is in a fit state to drive home.

Jeremy gets into his car & the ghost of his ex-girlfriend appears in the passenger seat. See, way too stoned to drive. Vicky wants Jeremy to help him but she disappears before telling him how or why, as Matt decides to take Jeremy up on the offer to drive him home. When Jeremy turns on his headlights, however, Ghost Anna appears right in front of his car. Matt can't see the dead vampire & asks Jeremy what's wrong, which prompts him to do the right thing & decide to walk home. That's a good, responsible, underage drink-driver right there.

Inside the house, the party's still going & Caroline's still mad at Tyler who's still pretending not to know why. That is, until he confronts her about it & they end up kissing as hungrily as only a horny vampire & a horny werewolf can. Which is to say like any normal teenager, really.

Damon returns home & goes straight to his bedroom where an annoyed Elena waves his Secret Stash of Clues in his face & gives out to him from keeping things from her. Damon finally cracks & tells her that Stefan's a ripping killing machine & that she's an idiot for thinking he'd ever come home. This scene is mostly comprised of that weird eye thing that Ian Somerhalder does. It's really very distracting.

At Jeremy & Elena's house, Jeremy & Matt have the munchies. Because, remember, they smoked a joint because they are so out of control. It's important to remember these things. Their giggles dissipate when Jeremy tells Matt he's been seeing the ghost of his dead vampire sister. In fairness, that'd put a dampener on most evenings. Matt doesn't buy the whole ghost business (because you know, witches & werewolves & vampires are fine, but you have to draw the line somewhere) & thinks Jeremy just misses Vicky. Jeremy humours him & lets him leave with the ice cream.

Back in the bar in the small town far far away, Klaus is still torturing the plaid-wearing werewolf. He forces him to drink his blood, then slits his throat. Stefen returns, still pretending to be Angel in season two of Buffy & failing miserably. Klaus knows that no matter how high Stefan's hair gets, he still cares for his brother & for his old life, & he advises Stefan to drink more human blood, because it makes it easier for him to let go of his emotions. Stefan mostly looks into the middle distance trying to look tortured.

The final scene in every Vampire Diaries episode is brought to us by today's favourite emo pop song. It plays dramatically as the scene cuts dramatically between all the main characters doing dramatic things. The lyrics are always Deep & Meaningful. In this week's scene the song seems to be about drops in the ocean & not being able to sleep & Alaric is packing because he's not a role model for Elena & Jeremy. Also his dead vampire girlfriend's face is all over the house. Cut to Caroline's house, where she & Tyler engage in horny werewolf-vampire sexual relations & the song talks about ending up together & holding you closer. Cut to Damon's house, where Damon is trashing the place, because that's what proper vampires do when they're sad, & the song lyrics are more or less drowned out by the smashing. Cut to the small town far far away where Stefan storms out of the bar & looks tortured while the song says something about rain in a desert & someone being someone else's heaven, then he takes a baggie of human blood out of his back pocket pocket. Cut back to Elena's house where she picks up her birthday card (see Elena, we told you it wouldn't be a happy birthday) & looks at it sadly & the song now seems to be about god & trusting old friends. Stefan calls Elena's phone from a new cell & doesn't say anything when she answers. She guesses that the unknown caller phoning her in the middle of the night is her homicidal vampire boyfriend & tells him he's going to be okay as he makes duck lips at his phone which I think means he's upset. Or tortured. If in doubt about any of Stefan's emotions, it's usually safe enough to assume he's feeling tortured. 

Elena whispers to Stefan that she loves him, & that he should never let that go. And the song tells us that you are my heaven.

But wait! We thought this was the end & that the credits would begin to roll but no! There is another scene! This is the typical Vampire Diaries post-emo-pop-song-dramatic-montage cliffhanger scene. Darn, just when we thought it was over. In this scene, Caroline wakes up next to Tyler & sneaks downstairs while he's still asleep but runs into his mother in the hall. Awkward... She goes to get her purse but it somehow burns her hand! And then Mrs Lockwood shoots her in the back! Whatever will happen next? Find out in next week's episode of The Vampire Diaries!